It’s My birthday. You’ll cry if I want you to.

“Happy birthday, Mistress Blunt! Thank you for helping me check a few things off of my bucket list (#2 & #17) and for filling my ears with custard and my eyes with tears.” <3 Margot.

“2. Bake a cake, frost it, then get fucked with my face in it.

17. Do sexy domestic things in a gag and lucite stripper heels. Be severely punished for my shallow domestic aptitude.”

For My birthday, I decided to help Miss Margot cross a few things off her bucket list. I’m such a giver.

Humiliation isn’t always My favorite thing, but when someone is as terrible at something as Margot is at baking, humiliation comes naturally. Margot told me that she would throw Me a birthday party and make Me gluten-free cakes. Knowing that she couldn’t make a cake to save her life, let alone one that was gluten-free, she attempted to make me a lemon merengue pie. What she created was something that was closer to ‘gak‘, and that is being generous.

I asked Margot how she expected Me to fuck her with her face in a cake if she couldn’t even BAKE me a cake? How was I supposed to help her cross things off of her bucket list? Didn’t Margot know that people who can’t even bake cakes don’t deserve to get fucked with their faces in one? Margot was ruining my birthday! Luckily, I had a box of 100 needles in my purse. I informed Margot that since she can’t bake, she will be getting penetrated over and over again by My little silver needles instead of My cock.

RichBNYC came over to save the day and brought Me a beautiful StrawBerry Pie. We made sure that Margot finished all of it as a first hand lesson in baking. Here is Rich’s written recipe for Margot’s Failure Lemon Meringue Torte.

Failure Lemon Meringue Torte

Lemon Curd

-2 large eggs

-Plus 2 egg yolks

-1 Cup sugar

-½ Cup lemon juice

-Grated rind of 2 lemons

-8 oz. butter, sliced thinly


Place all the above ingredients in the bowl of a double boiler, in which the water is simmering.  Stir constantly until thickened.  Cool & refrigerate in a covered container.  Best if made 3-4 days ahead and doused with tears.

Meringue Shell

-6 large egg whites, room temperature

-2 tsp. plain vinegar

-¼ tsp. Salt

-1 tsp. Vanilla

-1 ½ Cups sugar


Preheat oven to 250°.

Whip all ingredients (except sugar) in mixer until soft peaks form.

You are supposed to very slowly add the 1 ½ Cups sugar until stiff peaks form, but in this case, get impatient and add all the sugar at once, ruining the recipe and making “fail meringue.”

Cover a cookie sheet with parchment paper.  Mound the fail meringue into a solid 10-inch circle, or rather let it pool into an egg concoction at the bottom of a pan.

Bake at 250° for 1 hour.  Shut off oven & leave the fail meringue in the oven for 1 more hour.  Remove from oven & cool. Cry.

To assemble the torte:

Place the fail meringue circle on a serving platter. Hang your head in shame with a Tupperware of lemon curd as you are ridiculed for making fail meringue. Decorate with fresh fruit or your own blood, cry, and eat.

* The meringue will be more of an egg custard doused in tears, but the curd will taste delicious!