In this episode of ‘Can I Be Blunt?’, join me for a heartfelt conversation with my mom about my journey as a sex worker, the dynamics of our relationship throughout my life, and the role open communication, support, and boundaries has played in feeling comfortable sharing about my sex work with my family. We discuss my family’s focus on safety, the challenges of coming out, while also addressing the stigma surrounding sex work.
I am primarily sharing this deeply personal episode for other sex workers and their families in the hopes that some sex worker(s) may find it useful or helpful. If you are a client or civillian listening to this episode, I ask you to make a donation to a sex worker mutual aid fund and/or shop my wishlist to say thank you for this glimmer into my personal family life. A special thank you to my very supportive mom for allowing me to record and share this episode, if you’d like to thank her too she has requested a pair of “those shoes with the red bottoms” be sent to her from my wishlist.
https://throne.com/mistressblunt
Some other resources for sex workers and their families:
An Anthology of Coming Out Stories
Being the Parent of a Sex Worker with Jessie Sage’s Mom
Danielle Blunt
Hello everyone, I am Danielle Blunt. I am a professional dominatrix,community organizer and researcher. Today we have a very special episode of ‘Can I Be Blunt?’, where my mother and I will be talking about my coming out as a sex worker, her response, and a little bit about our relationship. I’m hoping that this can be used for sex workers who need some resources or want to come out to their parents or have been outed to their parents, or parents who want to be more supportive of their sex working kids.
I want to give a caveat that overall my mom has been super supportive of me. We still have some difficulties we’ve had to work through and I know that my experience is not everyone else’s and that I’m very privileged and lucky to have such supportive parents. This interview is intended for sex worker community and if you are a client reading, you can show your appreciation by sending a gift from my wish list or making a donation to a sex worker organization.
And I am sure my mom would be thrilled if anyone wanted to gift her a pair of what she refers to as “those cute little shoes with the red bottoms”. So without further ado, I’m here today with my esteemed guest, my mom, to talk about having a sex worker daughter and coming out to your parents. Mom, do you want to introduce yourself?
Blunt’s Mom
Hi, it’s nice to be here with everybody. I hope that I have a few things to say that might be of value to you.
Danielle Blunt
I think you might introduce yourself a little bit more about you. Like, what life experience led you here?
Blunt’s Mom
What led to me having children? I went and did a lot of schooling, found a man I loved, we got married and had children. I loved having a family more than anything, having kids to take care of and share life with. And I feel like I too have been very privileged and fortunate to have such a good life.
Danielle Blunt
Sure. Okay, well here we are about to cry not two minutes into the episode. So let’s quickly change the subject. Okay, so I’ve been doing this interview series as you know and I was really excited to chat with you and I spent some time on Twitter gathering some questions from folks that they might have for you. I thought that we could sort of…start from the beginning. I was curious if you could talk a little bit about our relationship and a little about your style of parenting and your approach to sex education. I think that feels really important for me in the conversation. So, you have been very supportive of me and I think your parenting style kind of made that a little bit easier to take in as well as sort of, you know, I also feel like it’s important to talk about how my family was teaching me about harm reduction and decriminalization as a kid. I think a lot of that was coming from my dad, but it was kind of…
Blunt’s Mom
We had a fairly… open kind of family relationship. We wanted the kids to know things. We didn’t need to hide things from the kids. You know, it was very important for me that they understood who they were from a very young age, what sex was about from a very young age. And because, you know, your body parts are your body parts. They’re nothing to be ashamed of. I did have friends who felt otherwise, but that’s their issue and their kids’ issue. I can’t help that. So yeah, we were open with the kids, but we did also expect them to behave properly. Be respectful of people and others and stuff. My daughter had a very keen sense of right and wrong from a very young age, and she would also be the negotiator.
Danielle Blunt
What does properly mean?
Blunt’s Mom
She was the person who was always trying to get her friends to, you know, act properly in a together kind of way. If they were arguing over who got to go first or whose way it was going to be. My daughter would always have a plan on how to make it so that everyone got a fair chance, which I found delightful and appreciated that. But she also was really, you know, upset if she saw something that was wrong. It was just visceral.
Danielle Blunt
Do you want to talk a little bit about how much I liked getting my way as a kid?
Blunt’s Mom
She really liked getting her way. But she also wanted it to be fair too. mean, like I said, there was this one time in particular, I remember sitting on the stairs and there were three of you and everyone wanted their way and you came up with a plan so everyone would have a chance at their way.
Danielle Blunt
Look at me go, a little baby mediator. I also like what you said about how ” their kids are dealing with it too” if they weren’t open to talking about sex and I know there’s like a little story about me in that if people didn’t want to have the conversation with their kids about the birds and the bees that they would just send them over to our house and they would know in detail by the end of it. And so I’m curious a little bit about your approach to sex education.
Blunt’s Mom
In reality, kids when they’re two, three, four years old… their mother might be pregnant again. And so it would be an opportune time to discuss sex and the birds and the bees. Fortunately for my daughter, she didn’t have that opportunity because I did not get pregnant again, but she was curious nonetheless. And she kept asking me about sex and I would give her some information and then I would say, “I’ll get you a book from the library” and I kept saying that every time she would ask. So anyway, I neglected to get the book and finally one day she says to me, we’re sitting in a car at a light with my son and daughter in the car in their car seats and she says, “Mom, when are you going to get me that book on sex?” And I go, dear. I keep forgetting. I’m so sorry. But I think to say, “well, what do you think sex is?” And she says, “well, the girl gets on top of the boy, the penis goes in the vagina”, because she knows all that stuff. And I’m about to say,
“Well, that’s right, sweetheart” but chiming from the other side of the backseat, my son says, “no, no, no, no. The boy gets on top of the girl.” And when I gather myself after that episode, I managed to say, “well, it can be done both ways.” Thinking that we’re good. And again, a few beats go by and my daughter says, “Well, how would you do it for me?” Like it mattered. And again, it took me a little bit to respond, but I said I didn’t really remember and she’d have to speak to her father.
Danielle Blunt
(both laugh)
I love that story. Also like, very on brand for me, but I was like, “no, the woman’s on top.” Like, obviously I couldn’t conceptualize something else. Well, thank you for that background. I feel like it’s helpful for folks to know, like how that open line of communication was always kind of there from the start. I felt very comfortable asking you questions when I was younger and I felt like I could continue to ask you questions and you’d always give me very honest answers. And I think the reason I remember being so curious about sex is that it made people uncomfortable and they didn’t want to tell me. And I felt like that was the only thing that I came up against that people wouldn’t immediately share information with me about. And so I think it was always about power for me was that like this bit of information was like guarded, it’s safeguarded, it’s not for everyone. And I remember having this conversation with someone else who was teaching their kids about sex and getting to be there with them. And they read the book and the kid was just completely enthralled and just like, “I can’t believe I didn’t know this.” And the older sibling walks in and is like, she knows about sex. Now everyone’s gonna know. I just thought it was so funny. Like this precious information that like we must not talk about and it’s so taboo. But I also, I feel like you also, you know, volunteered with Planned Parenthood and I feel like all of this was very important to you as well.
Blunt’s Mom
Absolutely, absolutely. making sure that everyone has equal access to reproductive health and care and abortion if necessary. It’s not something that other people should be telling people, how to care for their bodies and when to have a baby.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, I always appreciated that. I feel like there was also like the sex talks that you had with me weren’t like, you should wait till marriage. It was like you should feel comfortable saying no, you shouldn’t be having sex unless you feel safe.
Blunt’s Mom
And you should do it safely.
Danielle Blunt
So I feel like that’s helpful background so that when later I came out to you as a sex worker, someone on Twitter was asking if you could talk a little bit about your initial response, if you were surprised.
Blunt’s Mom
I guess there’s a little surprise. it’s not what you think your child is going to do with their life. And even at that point, I didn’t think that’s what you were gonna do with your life. But again, the main concern was not, God, what are people gonna think? It’s, oh my God, is she going to be safe? How do you navigate this so that… she can come home for dinner at night and be around for us. So that was primarily Rick.
Danielle Blunt
I think you guys were always, particularly my dad, obsessed with my safety. Yeah, I think safety first was a big part. I was thinking too, I feel like because we had that open line of communication, when I found out about kink, I went to-well, a friend went to a lecture at a university on BDSM and they were like, “mm, people have spoken about you and this seems like something you might be interested in” and sent me a link. And I was like, “wow, I didn’t know there was this community”. I didn’t know there was this language for these things that I’ve been interested in since I was younger. And I was in communication with them for a while and I know when I was going for the first time you actually accompanied me. You didn’t remember this until I reminded you about it, but you actually drove 45 minutes with me. I was like 19 at the time in the car and you were like, I’d like to just wait outside if that’s okay.
Blunt’s Mom
I do remember now. Yeah, because I remember the area.
Danielle Blunt
You remember? What was going through your head at that time? Because you were in the car for like five hours.
Blunt’s Mom
Just that I wanted to make sure you came hom. In one piece.
Danielle Blunt
You’ve also been my safe call before. I’ve like, you know, you really like embody that just wanting me to be safe and, you know, making sure of that, right?
Blunt’s Mom
That’s just who we are.
Danielle Blunt
And so I think part of the coming out is that … So both you and dad knew that I was doing a photo documentary series of a BDSM training chateau and I take photos and I was also doing sex work and also engaging in kinky play and I know at first I had just told you. I felt more comfortable talking to you about these things because also a lot of the the safety stuff was very helpful but also a little neurotic coming from my dad so it felt definitely more comfortable. We just had a closer relationship but, yeah, I don’t know… Do you want to talk a little bit about what that was like? I had asked you, you’ve always also been really good about, you know, respecting my boundaries and I feel like the questions you asked me are very appropriate and around like, safety and interest in my field rather than inappropriate questions about the specifics of my work that feel invasive. It’s always kind of with an air of curiosity. I guess I’m curious -what that was like to be the only parent that knew and still be in relationship with my dad and like how it kind of shifted.
Blunt’s Mom
It was hard and it was not easy for me, but I wanted to respect your wishes. But knowing that Dad wouldn’t mind, that again, his role would also be one of safety, just probably to a little more degree than me. And it’s hard. It’s hard not sharing that. It would have been easier for me to be able to have someone else to talk with about it.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah. And so then how did dad find out?
Blunt’s Mom
I can’t remember the exact instance, but I think.
Danielle Blunt
I actually think my friend was doing sex work and her dad found out and I gave her dad permission to call you and I think dad overheard that phone call. Just from my memory. But I think you were just like, please can I tell him now? And I said yes.
Blunt’s Mom
Okay, I didn’t think that was one, but I don’t remember what surrounded it, but it was just becoming more than I could handle on my own. And Dad is just such a different person when it comes to…
the way he approaches taking care of things.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, his friend. When he found out, called, you talked to him and then he called me and his call was, well, I hear you have a new business venture. It makes sense to me, you went to art school, so I don’t know how else you’d be making money. He was like, very pragmatic about it. Then the second question he had was like, “how are you staying safe?” And I kind of like walked him through some of the screening tools I used, some of the vetting tools and talking about sharing some of that information. It was a very quick conversation and… you know, it’s been nice to be able to talk to my parents about my work and like, when I’m doing well, I can share that. I think that I have other relationships with family where I’m not out. And I think it really does kind of cause a chasm where I just can’t talk about my life. I remember one time when I went to a family wedding and you were very sweet. You bought me a pair of heels and they were like little black leather stilettos and you go, “for work or play!” It was very cute and I wore them to the wedding. Do you remember?
I wore them to the wedding and I was like, I don’t know what to tell people what I do. I feel so uncomfortable. First of all, no one asked me fucking anything about myself, which I think was an important lesson to learn. You can just ask people questions about themselves and they’ll get lost. I was just complimented on the shoes. So I remember it feeling like a like a synchronous moment. Kind of lining up. Okay, someone else on Twitter asks, “what were some of your first thoughts when you found out and what do you think now after learning more about what I do?”
Blunt’s Mom
Well, we were worried, you know, like, what kind of a life is this going to be for her? Not truly understanding what she was capable of. She’s a good business woman. And she’s made some very, very good moves in how she structures her life around sex work and it works very well for her. And that was another reason why I wanted Dad to be involved because he’s also a very good businessman and could help her with the business side of her work because it’s a business.
Danielle Blunt
Dad’s taught some investing classes for sex workers and like, financial literacy classes for sex working friends, which has been very, very sweet, because I feel like he really set me up for success with a lot of the financial literacy stuff and like, making me read. He was like, why aren’t they teaching this in school? I will teach this to my child.
Blunt’s Mom
But remember, you’re just a good business person from the get-go anyway. I remember as a babysitter, she wanted to be paid what she was worth, not just what the going rate was. You know, if there was more than one kid, she expected more. There’s more work for it. And it was just very interesting. I remember you putting out a little advertisement and you copied it at the synagogue on the synagogue copier one day and the rabbi’s wife said, “you’re never going to get this money for that”. Like, put her down instead of encouraging her!
Danielle Blunt
I was later babysitting for their children.
Blunt’s Mom
She was able to value her time at an early age. 13.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, I think so. Okay, so I feel like this is less about having a sex worker daughter and more just about me, but I also was always obsessed with money and cash. Some of my earlier memories, I was like ironing my babysitting money and you know, just keeping it with me like “my precious, my precious”. Just like close to me.
Blunt’s Mom
I don’t recall.
Danielle Blunt
You don’t remember me ironing my money? I do. And then I would try and exchange the singles with you for bigger bills, because it felt better. What do you think now after learning? Well, OK, so I guess you hit on it a little bit with- you talked a lot about how safety was a big concern for you, but I also feel like there is some stigma. And I know coming from dad, dad was very much like, “good for you, hustle how you need, you went to art school, you’re disabled, this all makes a lot of sense of figuring out how to make money in a way that works for you. I already think sex work should be decriminalized.” It felt like, but I still feel like there is some both stigma and like, respecting my boundaries of not outing like kind of like the circle of it and like how I can kind of both feed each other because you can’t really, you don’t really talk about what I do with a lot of people and so I’m curious how you kind of like navigate that and like now you have, we’ve talked about it and you have my consent to tell your friends. As long as you tell me who you’ve talked to about it. But I’m curious like, how you’ve kind of navigated that. Like, it’s difficult for me not being able to talk about what I do a lot, but I imagine too that is it for you guys.
Blunt’s Mom
Yeah, it’s kind of, that’s a little strange. I have not told a lot of people because I don’t think a lot of people have the capacity to understand and be accepting of it. And so I try very carefully to only say it to a very few people and be able to have a conversation with them about it. I don’t think most of truly, most of them, the handful of people that’s not, I don’t think it’s extremely comfortable.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, for them.
Blunt’s Mom
So it doesn’t encourage me to share more, but I do talk a lot about the other side of what you do, the activism, the education, that kind of thing. And I’m very proud of all aspects of what you do and your outreach and whatnot. Having something published in a law review was very exciting. And I mentioned it to a number of people based on the kind of… work that it was and then they ask can they see it and I forget that it’s not her legal name.
Danielle Blunt
I know I can’t share. I feel like grandma would like to see it.
Blunt’s Mom
A bit awkward but, it’s fine, it’s fine. I don’t need to have that pat on the back from people for about what you do. I’m good being proud of it.
Danielle Blunt
You know, I often will, I have so many different answers when people ask me what I do. First, I black out and have no idea what will come out of my mouth. So it’s just like anyone’s game. If I’m not talking about what I actually do, or if I’m not talking about like the… robustness of all the different aspects of the work that I do. And I remember one time a family member was asking me what I was up to. Well, first of all, I wish I could come out to my, I wish I did come out to my grandma, because she’s so concerned about how I’m making money after going to art school. And I just feel like, doesn’t believe that I’m doing okay. Part of me is like, maybe she’d be relieved, but I just, don’t want to go there. But I think, I’m remembering talking about some of the research that I was doing and talking about how I must have been researching the impact of content moderation on sex working communities. And one of my family members was like… very confused by my use of the word sex work and was like, “aren’t they just trafficking themselves?” And I’m like, I’m gonna stop talking right now and go get a drink. Like, noted. understood. And so like, I think it goes back to the start of the conversation. Like, you guys made me feel safe enough to come out that I wouldn’t have to do a ton of emotional labor, which I think sometimes you have to do anyways, there was a lot of emotional labor that went into it from both of us. But also that I wouldn’t be abandoned or kicked out of the family, you know, and I think there has to be a certain amount of trust for people to feel comfortable sharing, especially with such stigmatized and taboo and criminalized labor. I guess I have a question about like, was your understanding or exposure to sex work before my coming out?
Blunt’s Mom
Very little. I mean, I was aware of it. Dad and I did… You probably don’t know this. Dad and I did some adventuring, but not much. But we would go into the city occasionally or when we went to other places, check out clothing, leather clothing shops and stuff. That’s why I had boots for you.
Danielle Blunt
That’s why you had the boots for me for Halloween!
Blunt’s Mom
Exactly. So I mean, aware of it, but just for private use, so nothing really more than that.
Danielle Blunt
Was that more kink or sex work? Kink.
Blunt’s Mom
I would say. But aware of sex work, because we always felt it was ridiculous to have it be criminalized.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, I feel like you guys, I feel like from a very young age, I understood the link between movements for bodily autonomy, like with just how you would… I feel like you would talk about reproductive health and dad kind of tied it together for me with like the decriminalization of all drugs and as well as like other movements for bodily autonomy and like…
Blunt’s Mom
Right, we didn’t talk about decriminalizing sex work when you were a young kid.
Danielle Blunt
No, but it it made it like all of these harm reduction models and like, what robust care could look like and how people need access to resources and how limiting access to those resources is an act of violence and just like, reduces health outcomes in so many different capacities. I feel like it was already kind of tied in so much. There were things that happened later in my life that I feel like radicalized me further in furthering my analysis and my understanding, but I feel like that kind of set me up, yeah. And so, okay, so it sounds like you didn’t have a ton of understanding about sex work other than knowing it was a thing, thinking it was maybe dangerous, sounds like, and not something people really talk about.
Blunt’s Mom
And usually the woman got sent to jail.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, so a lot of it like, from Copaganda that you’re watching on TV. Like Law and Order. What about… Well, I think something else that’s come up when we’ve been talking about sex work is that I am disabled and I don’t think like… You know, I think I have lot of barriers that I would face in maintaining traditional nine to five employment when I go months at a time without really being able to work in that capacity. I’m curious about some of your thoughts.
Blunt’s Mom
That’s not what got you into it though.
Danielle Blunt
I was working a job as a production assistant when I graduated and hated that. Yeah it’s the most I’ve been sexually harassed. It was an incredible abuse of power dynamics from some of the people on the show that made me deeply uncomfortable and didn’t feel like I could say anything, you know, if I wanted to be successful.
Blunt’s Mom
Because you also had an in on that job, so you felt kind of stuck.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, I felt very stuck and then I had been doing some sex work, so I didn’t start doing sex work full time until after that job and I was like, what the fuck? I can make in like four to 10 hours what I was making an entire month working 10 to 12 hour days. It just did not make sense to me and I’m like, I do not want to spend 10 years of my life working my way up to some job I don’t even know if I want when like, this is both more intellectually stimulating to me and financially lucrative in a way where I can focus on my art. I can rest when I need to… but I feel like as I got sicker too it was like well, you know, I can’t sit at a desk for eight hours, that’s not something my body’s never going to be able to do. So I’m curious if you have like any thoughts on that as a parent of a disabled sex worker and like…
Blunt’s Mom
I think you hit the jackpot. I think it just worked out really well for you. You do have a degree in psychology too, which you’re putting to good use. I’m not sure you needed that degree because you always have had that talent.
Danielle Blunt
Thank you. That’s very sweet. Okay, so you talked a little bit about your exposure and understanding of BDSM. Someone said, “I would love to know about your mom’s understanding of kink and how it’s changed, at all, before or after you came out and if you found any resources helpful over the years.”
Blunt’s Mom
Has it changed over time? Well, I didn’t know much about it. I just remember, I remember when I was in college, the first, crossing paths with it a little bit was being downtown on a Sunday in a city, a very small, quiet city and seeing a man dressed in leather and spikes walking a woman on all fours like she was a dog. And it was definitely unsettling to me because I had no idea what the heck was going on.
Danielle Blunt
In my memory, when you told me this story, the man was on the leash.
Blunt’s Mom
Wrong memory. But also in another time, in the same city, looking at an apartment to rent and coming across what would be called a dungeon in the attic.
Danielle Blunt
Really? Yeah. You never told me that.
Blunt’s Mom
I just told you that recently. And you know, was titillating, if that’s the right word, but also, unnerving, you know.
Danielle Blunt
Who knew parents have their own sex life too? I guess that’s how I came to be. Someone also asked, “how can parents of sex workers find other parents of sex workers for support in community?” And I think this is an interesting question to ask you because, yeah.
Blunt’s Mom
It’s amazing. You know, I don’t know how that happens, how you find other people, but it’s different for everybody. You your father and I are pretty open and not everyone’s like us. And so it’s very difficult. I think I’d recommend, rather than finding parents, finding a good therapist who could walk you through that because,
using your term, it’s a lot of emotional labor that, especially if somebody who really needs help understanding and trying to turn it around and be accepting.
Danielle Blunt
I think you did a little bit of that with my friends. Yes. It was hard for you.
Blunt’s Mom
It’s hard work… You’re not going to change someone’s mind. And I didn’t change their mind. I just was able to tell them how we trusted our daughter. We gave her as much guidance as we could, support, trying to…navigate situations and just again making sure that she came home for dinner when she was supposed to and was in good shape. That was our primary goal. But for other people, it’s so much more emotionally laden and just… it’s really hard. I would recommend a good therapist to be able to understand. And once you start to be able to accept and embrace your child, then I think talking with other people in that situation might be of benefit.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, because I think it can be a lot. I’m thinking too, it reminds me of like, you know, when people are coming out to homophobic parents or to parents who don’t really understand what queerness is, it’s not going to be super effective to talk to other parents of, you know, you have to educate yourself first, I think is a really good first step. And, you know, like you’ve read all of the resources that I’ve sent you. My dad sent me some articles on sex work when he sees them in the New York Times and once I was quoted in it and once they had cited my research. I thought that that was, I don’t know, it was just nice. Like both they’ll read what I send them and will also send me things and be like, “what do you think of this?” And so there can be kind of that dialogue, but I was just remembering too from when I was younger. I very vividly remember… I didn’t really date a lot when I was younger and I remember being in the car with you and you being like, “well you know, if you ever want to bring a girl home for dinner you’re welcome to” and like you definitely like thought I was queer before I was even interested in really dating.
Blunt’s Mom
We just wanted you to know that it didn’t matter to us.
Danielle Blunt
I wanted to have this conversation with you because I think it might be helpful if people need to have some exposure to parents who are supportive, but I also think it’s important to talk about some of what set us up for success in your openness as well as some of the privilege that I have in that when I started doing sex work, I wasn’t doing survival sex work. I think I had more, because we had that open room, relationship, like I think a lot like a lot of kids get kicked out of their house for being queer and start doing sex work so I feel it all feels really related to me that like you know like if something went wrong I would have been able to come home with you if something happened to me at work, I could come and spend time with you and have a place to stay if I needed to, which I think is also, when we’re thinking about harm reduction, having backup plans and things like that are so important. And so I do want to acknowledge that privilege in this, that not everyone who will be listening to this will have that same experience or come from the same… the same class background that I was coming from. And I think that that adds a whole lot of other variables that make some of these conversations more difficult.
Blunt’s Mom
Yes, absolutely. I can’t. I don’t comprehend. mean, not talking about financial, financial security. You always had that, but I can’t comprehend a parent not embracing their child for who they are. You are who you are. mean, you just you just don’t get around that.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah.
Blunt’s Mom
So that’s just always been our belief. And can you change if you want to?
Danielle Blunt
I think it can take education and I think there are things that have like come up that like you guys didn’t have as much understanding around but I think there was always that like curiosity and openness to know me to like actually want to know me rather than just I also just think you are overall generally good parents and like never projected what you wanted me to be on it. So I don’t think you were also like overcoming the, well like, my daughter’s gonna be a lawyer. Yeah. My doctor’s gonna be a doctor. You know, so I think that that’s helpful too, but I also feel like I’ve been telling you since I was young, like when people asked what I wanted to be when I was younger, I was like, well, I’ll marry rich and divorce. I’ll marry rich and divorce. I’ll marry rich and divorce. And after my third one, I should be all set and like, or I at like three or four, right? No, little bit older.
Blunt’s Mom
She did say that. You were probably twelve.
Who thinks of these things?
Danielle Blunt
I just didn’t want to work. I never had a dream job. I never was like, I have a dream job. I will say my dad has been asking if I can teach you how to hustle men.
Blunt’s Mom
Hahaha! What?
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, okay, so I think a lot of someone’s asking a lot of the questions that we got were about safety and I think people will be curious to hear narratives around safety. Like parents who want to support their child but want them to be safe. What did you ask me about how I was doing to stay safe and what were your concerns when I first told you?
Blunt’s Mom
You got the brunt of it. I know.
Our kids were not allowed to wear scarves.
Danielle Blunt
Yes, in case, because Isadora Duncan got stuck in a convertible, right, and was choked to death. It was just like a lot of neuroses, and I was always thinking about safety since I was very, very, very young.
Blunt’s Mom
Yeah, her father is pretty obsessed with safety, which I guess is a good thing, but it’s irritating from time to time. But overall, it’s a good thing. So the kids were really well-schooled in that. But that also came, you know, like when they were young, like if I was supposed to pick them up at school and I sent somebody else, I was supposed to give the new picker-upper a password, which I could never remember.
Danielle Blunt
And I would refuse to get in the car with them. I’m like, you motherfucker trying to abduct me. I have been schooled on this. I know what this is about. And they’re like, we just want to give you a snack and bring you home to your parents. And I’m like, that’s what he said you’d say.
Blunt’s Mom
Because I wasn’t as good as her father was. He had all these passwords and stuff we were supposed to remember.
Danielle Blunt
I grew up in the late 80s, 90s stranger danger era where that one statistic of child abductions was like, wildly blown out of proportion or misquoted and retracted, and just like so much kind of stranger danger fear when you know, I did a stand-up routine about this where the part that my dad forgot to tell me about how like everyone was out to abduct me was the fact that it always happens by like a parent in a custody battle. And that most usually most yeah and like statistically speaking and like most violence occurs within the fancily structure and I do think that that was something that was missing from his paranoia to talk to me about and he’s like, well I wasn’t gonna you know and I’m like well I think it’s still important to know that people who you know love you can be the ones who hurt you and that you that’s not okay. I think that that felt a little bit missing in some of the narratives of safety.
Blunt’s Mom
Yeah, but overall, I think, you know, there were some good lessons to have, except that you now have to be in therapy for it.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, I know how to fake a seizure in case someone tries to molest me. So I’ve been practicing for years too. Me too. Thank god for therapy. My goodness.
Blunt’s Mom
In that class where I learned how to do that, you took a self-defense class and that was the most effective. I was the only one who pulled it when somebody was pretending to attack me. They were off me in a second. It was like, holy crap, what’s going on?
Danielle Blunt
It wasn’t just from Dad. Very effective tool. Note ahead. Someone asked a question about if there was any judgment about why someone would choose to do sex work and any overcoming of that that you had to.
Blunt’s Mom
I don’t think so. I don’t remember that. No, you know, this is such a natural fit for my daughter. She always loved telling people what to do. She just did. It was who she was. She was not very athletic as a young child. So when in… I think it was eighth grade. She came home and said she was on the crew team. We were ecstatic. It’s like, this is great exercise! I can’t believe she’s doing this! Of course, she was the coxswain, which is a perfect position for her because she was just yelling at people and telling them what to do. And I was disappointed, but she assured me that she’d be working out with the team, but she didn’t.
Danielle Blunt
I coxed for like the varsity boys and just got to yell at them and I remember once the coach came up to me we were like doing like our circle of warm-ups and I’m like making all the boys do burpees and the coach was like don’t you want to work out with your team for morale and I was like no.
Blunt’s Mom
I don’t remember that. But it was just a perfect fit as is being a dominatrix. Natural progression.
Danielle Blunt
Thanks mom. Someone asked this question which I thought was sweet, which is what is one thing you’re most proud of me for?
Blunt’s Mom
How she’s put her life together and has made this line of work profitable for her so she can, you know, hopefully retire in comfort. What I’m really, I guess, most proud of is actually her… I want to call it charity work but that’s not true that’s really quite the right word. Activism. Organizing. Organizing and activism and her care for community is very inspiring.
Danielle Blunt
I feel like I learned that from you too, you though, like with we would go and volunteer with a temple, we were always like giving toys to charity, and I feel like…
Blunt’s Mom
I think you do it on a different level.
Danielle Blunt
Sure, but you also spent so much time volunteering for Planned Parenthood, volunteering at the temple, you know, it was always, and you made sure to like bring me with you when you were volunteering at homeless shelters and things like that. feel like, you know, it was, it also felt like very much a part, like the Judaism that I was raised in was very much about community service. And I think that that like really stuck with me.
Like remember the Mitzvah days that we would do with Temple. I feel like those always… And you would have conversations with… You did something right, Mom!
Blunt’s Mom
It’s nice to hear, but I also want to say that again we had a privileged life. I had a good education, I could have had a very good career and I opted to stay home. We had the privilege of staying home and taking care of my family as opposed to having happen to have multiple jobs. So we were very lucky. I I think I was I felt very fortunate.
Danielle Blunt
I think something that’s interesting too is, okay, so my dad was a dentist and you always talk to me about how obsessed I am with money and how you wish that you kind of had some of that understanding. Like you said that when my dad proposed to you, everyone was like, oh my God, you’re gonna marry a dentist?
Blunt’s Mom
You had no concept.
Danielle Blunt
And you had no idea that that was a good life choice.
Blunt’s Mom
That was not where I was going with that.
Danielle Blunt
Whereas I’m like, okay, let’s exclusive. think because you, I think you both came from working class, more working class backgrounds and then later in your life moved up class. But I feel like both have some of some like money trauma around not having enough and like wanting that. And so I think that that also.
my dad’s neuroses you know I think a lot of that kind of still got to me despite having more security than he did when he was growing up.
Blunt’s Mom
Yeah, you guys had a good life, but we were not, it was not over the top. Yeah, they weren’t allowed to get sodas at dinner when we went out.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, I don’t think that I was, I don’t know if our like, class bracket, I don’t even know how to talk about it… Like I don’t know if it changed as I was older or you spent money differently, but both my brother and I have talked about how we didn’t, because of the anxiety of the money, we didn’t know. Okay, well want to answer the question of what I’m most proud about.
Blunt’s Mom
I didn’t ask that question.
Danielle Blunt
Do you wanna ask it? I think just like your… openness to both learn and to know your children for who they are. I also think you are a very, very good parent and I think parenting is a really hard thing and I think it’s hard to like, not kind of project those things onto your kids of like the things that you want for them or the things that you wish you did, you know, and like, I feel like I never felt like I was like put in the box of your child and I feel really grateful that you wanted to know me as an adult and not just as your kid, or as like the product of the thing that you made, the shiny thing that you can like show off my doctor child, you know? And I think,
Blunt’s Mom
Well, again, we had a very privileged family and not everybody had that time to invest because if you’re working, if everybody’s working, you know, an eight or nine hour day and maybe another job on the side, you just, you don’t have that same kind of time so it makes…
Danielle Blunt
Yeah.
Blunt’s Mom
It makes life different for different families.
Danielle Blunt
I also feel like maybe this is like I feel like an important part of the conversation too is like I know so many sex working parents who do sex work so that they can spend more time with their kids and it’s like a huge or like they’re caretakers in some capacity caring for like their family members and like Wouldn’t be able to provide that kind of care without like a higher hourly rate so they can work right work less hours and I feel like It just feels like an important part of the cummer conversation. Two of like how then you can also like make that yeah with sex work, too If your parents bought on social and professional consequences of having a child in sex work and how that feels compared to reality
Blunt’s Mom
guess that’s hard to answer since I don’t really share it with everybody so it doesn’t feel like it’s out there.
Danielle Blunt
Did I ever talk about dad telling me not to do porn? I think when I told him what I was doing, he’s like, good for you, you’re gonna make, I can imagine you’ll make a lot of money. I have a mean thing to say.
I don’t remember if he said, he said, thank God you don’t have your mom’s feet.
Blunt’s Mom
I like my feet. I understand that yours are more the what’s adored, but I liked my angled feet.
Danielle Blunt
You have great feet, Anyone wants to buy her pair of Louboutins for her pointy feet? Her pointy feet. She would be very silly to refuse. But I remember dad being concerned about my face being on stuff before I really was. And I’ve been doing sex work for like 14, some form for like 14 plus years so it was kind of before the threat of it was…You know, before like the threat of like AI and facial recognition wasn’t really the concern so much as like professional respectability and my he was really concerned with my ability to transition into other labor sectors if that was what I wanted. And that was some of the conversations we had around safety was like, how might this foreclose on other opportunities? And it was really like, don’t do porn because of that. Because that’s what he saw as being more visible in a way. too far, but visible in a way where you can’t pretend that you hadn’t done it. And I feel like I’ve done enough different types of sex work and like all of my academic work is under my sex worker name that it doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t really matter at this point anymore. Like I’ve been published in Harvard Law Review under my sex work name, you know, and like, Right. Followed by academics, you I don’t know, like I have another career other than sex work and it’s under the name I use to do sex work. it’s like not, I don’t know.
And you know, it wasn’t really a decision that I made super consciously. It was, I feel like I started doing a lot of that around the time of FOSTA/SESTA, and trying to share harm reduction with information with community and then starting to write about it. like, well, like don’t want to do this under my government name, my civilian name. So it makes, cause I don’t have a follow, I don’t have a following. I don’t really have personal social media. So it like doesn’t, if I want to share information with community, it kind of has to be under my work name. And then it just kind of went from there where it wasn’t really decision. And honestly, I think everyone should use a pseudonym for everything. Like just like I would.
But yeah, like I’m glad I didn’t use my government name for a lot. All right, we’re moving on to the next question.
Someone says, I feel like a big issue in acceptance is the fear that the choices your child will be misinterpreted or judged by others or reflect on your identity as a parent. You can love your kid and respect their decision but still be unprepared to deal with collateral stigma. How has your mom navigated this? What have been some challenges she’s faced with stigma and the perception of her as a proud parent of a sex worker? And other people were asking about the need to keep my career hidden. I feel like we’ve talked about that a little bit, but I’m wondering if now would be an interesting time to talk a little bit about, you’ve walked with me at like International Whores’ Day and stuff like that and like held signs and things like that. And so I wonder like what that is like for you and you’re doing this interview with me and things like that.
Blunt’s Mom
I don’t feel like I’m going to be outed for doing this.
Danielle Blunt
Would you have done it if you did? If you thought like one of your friends might, someone might send it to one of your friends.
Blunt’s Mom
Well, I don’t care then because obviously there’s community there. I mean, it just doesn’t matter. I guess in a little, it’s like, what are people gonna think? Is that about me? I don’t really care all that much. mean, of course, you always care a little bit. There’s always a little kernel of, it’s uncomfortable, but you know what?
Who gives a shit what they think? If they can’t accept me and my daughter, then they’re really not worth having a relationship with. That’s their problem, not mine. I’m pretty comfortable with who I am.
Danielle Blunt
Alright, what was it like for you coming to International Whores’ Day? And meeting a lot of my friends.
Blunt’s Mom
It was just interesting. I probably wouldn’t have done that on my own. But I had no problem. Your brother came, your father came. It was a nice show of support. Absolutely.
Danielle Blunt
It was nice. You guys did an interview for that little zine. I just found it the other day. I didn’t remember you guys doing it either. What did, dad said something really funny. Yeah. I’ll have to find it and quote it.
Yeah, I guess what’s your relationship to stigma in general. Are there times that you felt stigma impacting or like, judgment from others impacting what you do?
Blunt’s Mom
I’m not sure I understand the question.
Danielle Blunt
I’m curious, are you just, like, proud and don’t care what people think or are they’re, like…
Blunt’s Mom
You always care about what people think. I definitely want to do the right thing, I don’t have the self-control not to always make the right choice of what I say.
I say fuck you a lot. I’m just saying, you know, it’s just, I don’t need to use that word all the time, but I can’t help it. It just feels like it fits the bill. And since you were a young kid we used to have that, you know, put a quarter in the jar. It was all my money going in because I was the only one who couldn’t not curse. And, you know.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, it was all your money.
Blunt’s Mom
I would like not to, I feel there’s a little stigma for talking like that, you know. I’m sure that people think how coarse you are. You know, I care a little bit. I would like to, I still, after all these years, would like to backtrack on that.
Danielle Blunt
So you’re fine that your daughter’s a whore, but you want to curse a little less.
Blunt’s Mom
I do. But it’s probably not happening. So I’m just trying to be honest with myself. And I love you.
Danielle Blunt
And I love you. Okay, looking for my next question. Someone said “what are the most surprising ways your views on sex work, human sexuality, or feminism may have changed or evolved from finding out about my work?”
Blunt’s Mom
No, I think you were comfortable in our relationship because I’m okay with that.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, I think that makes sense. But I do, I do feel like… your analysis of sex work has deepened and like yeah
Blunt’s Mom
I mean, I have a little more understanding now of what sex work is or could be. And it has a huge range of what it could be. I wonder how I feel if you were doing this because you want to survive. Would that make a difference for me?
Danielle Blunt
Right, and it’s like, I think there’s a difference between doing survival sex work and like having, right, like I have degrees in college that I could have like pursued, I could have pursued my path in production. And I think having you guys where like, can go and stay with you if anything were to happen are so many avenues of protection that increase safety. And I think the less access to resources that people have, the more dangerous the work is. And so I think it’s a good question to ask but I feel like you would still be concerned with the safety.
Blunt’s Mom
The safety. Yes. It’s always the biggest concern. Just like it was for Dad since the time he came home from the hospital.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, it was like regardless of if I was doing sex work or not. Let’s make sure she doesn’t get killed. Okay, someone said, “would love to hear what advice and thoughts you have for other parents who may come to find out about their child’s or career in the sex work world”.
Blunt’s Mom
Be open, be as understanding and loving as you can because they’re still your child. People are who they are and you’re not going to change them just because you don’t like what they do. You don’t have to love what they do. You don’t have to love what they do. You just have to love them. I think that’s the bottom line.
Danielle Blunt
I think, you know, I think doing the work to foster a good relationship with your child too feels like an important component of it. Like, I think it’s twofold. It’s both the stigma and not having the education or resources to really understand what’s going on and all these questions about stigma and shame and safety that you can learn more about to have a better understanding of the work, as well as wanting to have a good relationship with your child.
Blunt’s Mom
Yeah, you have to want that.
Danielle Blunt
And I think that robust acceptance feels really important. One of the Twitter comments was about, you know, I do have a very supportive parent and I think this would be a very different conversation if it was kind of about more of like, the evolution of getting you to accept the work that I do or you guys being very sexphobic and not really understanding it and having to fight through a bunch of shame and stigma and not knowing what kink or BDSM was instead of you being like, “oh, what are men into this year?”. I feel both very privileged in the… the life that you made for me and the way that you guys were able to show up in our relationship as well as kind of like, the foundational political understanding that has informed my politics to this day. But, there was a question about if that wasn’t the case or like, if you know my sex work became very public very quickly, you know, again outing me in like a very public way and how you might navigate that, and did I tell you that I was used in a right-wing smear campaign that was all over Breitbart and Fox News this year? Yeah. I was included in a right-wing smear campaign.
Blunt’s Mom
I don’t think you told me this.
Danielle Blunt
The headline was like, “OnlyFans dominatrix boasts about urinating on people’s faces. Blah, blah, blah.” On Breitbart. And it had my photo and I was very nervous. I’m like, thankfully you guys don’t look at right wing news. But it was very public and like, you know, I got a little bit nervous. First I was like, ooh, are people going to subscribe more to my OnlyFans? Biden’s FCC nominee was, I think I might’ve told you about this, was the director or something of EFF, and they gave me an award for some of the organizing work that I do. I’ve never met this person before in my life. I don’t know that she ever knew who I am. And it was used in this homophobic smear campaign in this public way.
I’ve given quotes to places, but they don’t often use them. I’ve turned down interviews with quotes of the New York Times because my photo would be in it, and that’s what my grandma reads, you know? So, like, I think, I’m curious, like…
Blunt’s Mom
You’re curious how I would feel about that?
Danielle Blunt
Or like, you know, if your friend sent you like, a screenshot of this and was like, “what the fuck?”.
Blunt’s Mom
I’d say “You should see how much she makes”. You know, there’d probably be a learning curve for me to speak with people and let them know that I’m okay with it. Right.
Danielle Blunt
I’m sure there’s certain amount of being flustered and caught off guard or not being able to have those conversations in private. I think part of it too for me is I feel like you guys were down to do work solo without me. And I think that’s a piece of advice that I would give to parents as well is educate yourselves. Reach out to a sex work affirming therapist and ask them some of your shitty questions.
Questions that you just need to ask, but don’t need to be asked to your child. Work through some of this. I think it’s true for anyone who’s coming out as anything, it’s like if you don’t have the information, you’re going to have a lot of questions that I don’t necessarily think are your child’s job to guide you through.
Blunt’s Mom
Well, I’m going to disagree with you on some of this. Because I think that if the child wants a relationship with your parent, they may want to help.
Danielle Blunt
I’m not saying they can’t help, but I feel like I could do this with you because the emotional labor was like, it was less. I’m not sitting here having to…Like, I never had to come out to you guys as queer. I just had to introduce you to a partner. You know?
Danielle Blunt
It feels very different. I feel like other things have come up in other relationships where you knew where the right thing to do was go get counseling and talk about it and unpack it and where are these biases coming from? How can I show up better in this relationship that’s not the other person’s job to do? And I think that knowing…
Blunt’s Mom
Yes, it was. Well, I just want to say that I guess I feel differently, just on a little degree. I don’t think it’s the job to totally educate them. But they need to be open to hard conversations, but also to pointing them in the right direction.
Danielle Blunt
Yes, for sure.
Blunt’s Mom
Because I was in a situation once where it was very cut off, and I had to figure out on my own how to…finding a therapist was ridiculously hard for this particular issue back then but also, no resources.
Danielle Blunt
I’m going to disagree with you disagreeing. I think it is a very loving thing to do to provide someone who hurt you or said the wrong thing with resources. I think it’s a very caring thing to do. I think it’s a very generous thing to do. And I don’t necessarily think it is that if you have been hurt, I don’t necessarily think it’s that person’s responsibility. But my politics are generally like, assume the best of the people that you’re in relationship with and want them to do better. Even like, in my BDSM practice I feel like I’ve like learned so much and you know, when I talk about BDSM and intimacy and vulnerability. Being in relationship with someone in an intimate way is risky and like, you’re not going to always do and say the right thing and I think that we should have more grace with each other. Especially like, if people have not given you a reason to,. People fuck u in big ways, people fuck up in small ways and like, I think just like if someone wants to learn… and this is something that I’ve experienced in a lot of relationships where people have said, whorephobic things to me and…family familial relationships. “Hey, would you mind giving this person this book? It would mean a lot to me” has always been my response because I don’t expect people to already have political education, you know, like I feel like there is so much I feel very lucky and very blessed that you guys had an understanding of this and a politics that you were already fighting for. Like the decriminalization of sex work, because you knew that’s what would make it safer, but I don’t think everyone’s in that position. And when you are unpacking these big things, like, whorephobia, there’s so much tangled up in there. And all these questions, I feel like its asking us about stigma, shame, safety, fear, your relationship with your child.vThose are big, big things that can be really…heavy and like a lot to unpack. Like if you’ve been told your whole life that something is not okay and something is wrong or agains your religion and like, your indoctrination. You know, those are big things to unpack. And that’s I think more so why I’m talking about like, I think it’s great if the sex working kid can provide resources, especially because they can be hard to find or you might accidentally find like, swerfy, anti-sex work, radical feminist literature. Like, you’re just doing a search and you don’t know what to look for, so I think it can be really helpful, and I hope that, you know, maybe this can be something that people can listen to and be like, look, maybe something is possible, or, like, I could have, I could try X, and Z, or… I feel like with people who have been whorephobic towards me, I’ve had tockind of like… Sure, some people might notw ant to be in relationship with you, I’m not doing this work with you. And if I have to be in relationship with them, or I want to be in relationship with them, I’m very down to provide them with resources as long as they’re willing to show up. And I think that that’s important, but I cannot emphasize enough how important I think doing some of that work on your own is.
Blunt’s Mom
Absolutely. And I wasn’t saying that they had to like, sit down with me and do this. A few resources would have been a good start.
Danielle Blunt
No, totally. I think that’s super valid and I think, right, I think part of what we’re talking about too is trauma and fear and like… taking all of your own shit that was put on them from childhood and that they were taught about sex and sex work, are not taught about or taught about in a slut shaming and whorephobic way, and trying to unpack all of that with all of these other variables like race and class and -is your child going to be safe? I feel like can make the conversations not go as well as some of ours have. I think you know, it comes down to, do you want to have a relationship with your child? And do you want to have a relationship with your child where, you know, they can talk to you about what’s going on in their life? I feel like that’s what so many parents want, you know, when you talk to them, they want them to feel comfortable coming to them. But like, what are you doing to actually ensure that?
And feel like, you know, some of the harm reduction conversations that I had with my dad, I feel like Dad gave me a lot of the early harm reduction conversations, I also think was half a joke and half him being totally serious. This was before fentanyl strips, which was like fentanyl testing strips and before Narcan was widely available. But his drug talk to me was like, don’t do hard drugs. And when you do make sure your friend does it first and wait 20 minutes and see what happens. Or it was like, don’t drink and when you do call us for a ride home and like, you might be in a little bit of trouble, but it’s going to be fine. I feel like, I think those conversations made this conversation easier because it was always about safety. Yeah. I don’t know. Well, this was a fun conversation. We wrapped it up. Yeah, I just like tied it in a little bow. Do you have anything you wanted to add or anything else you would want to say to any sex workers who are listening or any parents of sex workers who are listening?
Blunt’s Mom
I don’t know, just to have the best relationship you can with your family because the support is really…
Danielle Blunt
If there’s support.
Blunt’s Mom
Yeah, having that support is very important. So if you can foster it, you should make the effort to do it.
Danielle Blunt
I think too, community has always been a really big thing. I know that the type of relationship that we have is not possible for some people. I don’t want to leave it quite on that note of like, do everything you can to have a relationship with your parents. Cause I don’t always want to say that you can. I don’t think that’s what’s best for everyone. I think chosen family and community and like, just having sex work community to have some of these conversations with as well as like, community with people who had to cut their family out because they weren’t supportive or they outed them or there were other acts of violence in some way, you know. Relationships with family are really complicated.
Blunt’s Mom
Not always. You do have a very deep community that you’re very involved with, which is great because that gives you a lot of support as well. Because as much as we are supportive, we don’t know everything in your world. Right. So it’s good to have that as well, for sure.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah, I think it’s nice. I know that my friends too who you’ve met who can like, you know, who aren’t out to their parents, it has been nice for them to like be able to tell you.
Blunt’s Mom
And I don’t know that they’re not out to their parents necessarily.
Danielle Blunt
Right,
but I think from what they’ve told me it’s been nice to see you being supportive as well as they can just say, oh, I’m one of her dom friends, and just not have to.
Blunt’s Mom
Right, orchestrated like that.
Danielle Blunt
Yeah.
Okay, well thank you for taking the time to talk to me, Mama Blunt. I appreciate you and I hope people might have found anything useful in here or at least amusing.
Blunt’s Mom
I hope so. Always a pleasure spending time with you.
Danielle Blunt
Bye! Bye!