Daddy An Li and I sat down (virtually) to talk about Female Led Relationships, what protocol looks like within our personal relationships, the kind of service we like to receive, and how financial support is integral to our dynamics with devoted subs.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Okay. Hi, my name is Danielle Blunt. I am a professional dominatrix based out of New York City. I’m here with …
Daddy An Li: Daddy An Li. Although, I guess you don’t have to call me daddy unless you want to.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: We can do that.
Daddy An Li: I am a pro dom based out of LA. I’ve been doing this for seven years now.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I’m really excited to talk to you today, because I feel something that we have in common is that we’re both in female-led relationships (FLR). I feel like some doms do BDSM in their personal life, some don’t. Some have relationships where BDSM and D/s dynamics are the crux of the relationship. I wanted to ask you a little bit about what does a FLR mean to you? What does it look like in practice? What are some things that come up for you in thinking about that?
Daddy An Li: With everything in kink and with relationships, I think a female-led relationship can look very, very different. For some people, what might be a female-led relationship to them might not be a female-led relationship to others. For me, the way I characterize it best it’s the spirit of how you carry the relationship. I’m a pretty lazy dom. A lot of my female-ledness just ultimately means me saying “no,” when I want to say “no,” just for the heck of it. Let’s just say “no” to everything just because I can. Him not hating me for it, because he knows that I could say “no,” and he’ll just accept my answer as it is.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Eroticized it a little bit even.
Daddy An Li: For me, the energy of it is that ultimately, I get the final say, it doesn’t matter what it is. Obviously, there are parameters to that, just like life gets in the way, meeting family and stuff like that, vanilla world. But within our dynamic, ultimately, I’m supposed to get my way with most things. My relationship, as of this point, I think being a sex worker and doing so much of it on camera, in real life, I’ll be a little bit less now but still online.
Daddy An Li: I don’t really have that much active BDSM in my relationship outside of videos. There are moments where I’ll tie him up and fuck him and stuff. But it’s not high protocol. I think honestly, this idea of female-led relationships being 24/7 high protocol is more of a little erotica thing than a real life thing. Because I’ve probably met two couples in real life that genuinely have high protocol for the majority of their lives.
I used to hold myself up to this barometer of like, “I need to have high protocol or else it’s not female-led relationship.” I just don’t think that’s true anymore. My relationship is for some people might view it as maybe even like a daddy-brat dynamic because I’m super bratty in my relationships.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Are you both the daddy and the brat?
Daddy An Li: I suppose I am. I suppose I am. I’m just super bratty in my relationship, but my brattiness doesn’t ever result in me getting punished. It always results in me getting my way no matter what. I think that’s the difference is the end result and the energy that’s carried out with. But the activities that I do can be seen as very bratty. I act out a lot, just because I can, but that’s more because I’m an emotional sadist, and I like to do that. Not because I am acting out in seek of punishment or anything like that.
If anything, I act out just to get a rise out of him. Then when he uses a tone with me, I’m like, “Did you just use a fucking tone with me?”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: It sounds like very playful.
Daddy An Li: Yeah, very much so. For me, yeah, female-led relationship is more in my attitude and how he and I both carry out our relationship.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. I feel like there’s this idea that high protocol means that someone is in a posture color, in like stereotype training postures of submission for the entirety of the relationship while the dom’s not there, and this person’s waiting for them. But I also think the protocols and rituals that you make to create a female-led relationship can look whatever works for the relationship. For example, in my relationship, I do like high protocol training, but it’s not something that I particularly have the energy to uphold 24/7.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I teach submissive things that I like to receive. When I get into bed, there’s an offer for a massage or a foot rub. When we’re watching TV, they put their phone down, and my feet go in their lap, and I get a foot rub. It’s smaller things like that, that are just integrated into the relationship. Or my coffee is made for me in the morning. Those become the protocols rather than “you may only look at me with permission”. That is, say, for play for me.
Daddy An Li: For sure. All relationships should be configured to whichever way is best for you. Ultimately, in a female-led relationship, it should be entirely about what’s best for you, be that high protocol, or be that “give me coffee in the morning”. It’s interesting, though, because when I started my relationship with my [submissive] gimpy, he definitely had sub-frenzy when he first started dating me. He was not you somewhat fresh out of a divorce and just going through the doms being like, “I’m going to serve everyone.”
Then he found me. He was like, “I’m going to do anything you say Mistress. This is going to be total power exchange.” I’m like, “Fuck. Yeah. I love total power exchange.” Throughout the years, he and I have both realize that while he is submissive to me, he identifies more as a bottom with submissive tendencies to the right person. With understanding of that, our relationship dynamic has changed from total power exchange to more like, “I’m just going to tell you to do what you do. You might argue with me sometimes, but ultimately, you’re still going to do it,” because he’s not actually submissive.
But he is still my [submissive]. It’s an interesting changing dynamic. It’s funny because I have another friend who’s also in FLR with her [submissive] who also has similar fetishes as him. They’re both bondage bottoms, and stuff like that. He also realized throughout the years of serving her that, yeah, he was more of a bottom than a [submissive]. But for her, he’s still her [submissive], because everything is unique from person-to-person.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Definitely. It’s very much dependent on the relationship. It sounds like … I was actually just talking to Lucy about this, about the difference between erotic submission and service submission. I feel a lot of people get the two conflated because of fantasy. I feel most of my personal submissives are deeply service-oriented and are very service-oriented and submissive. I think it’s because a lot of my play is primarily psychological rather than heavy gear-based. Also, I think it might be because a lot of my submissives are not men.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Yeah. Women tend to be better at just accepting service for service without expectation of getting their clits hard.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. Without the expectation of “Oh, I did this for you. Now, I’m going to receive X, Y and Z.”Or I’m going to write you a bad review.
Daddy An Li: Men are definitely programmed to be a little bit more entitled like that. Whereas female conditioning throughout society has not been like, “Oh, I expect this because I did this.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I will say I’ve had more and more women contacting me for sessions over the last two years, I think, since Emmy was my personal submissive, I was sharing a lot of photos of her serving me, and just more and more queer people started to see me. Women write the most thoughtful and thorough contact form and I always send a deposit within one email without a doubt.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. I fully agree with that. I’ve loved all my non-male clients throughout the years. I’ve definitely had more I think once I started talking about them. It’s interesting. Although like the couples, even if it’s a woman coming from a couple, sometimes the couples can be hit or miss. But definitely women, non-binary people by themselves are definitely a pleasure to work with.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Communicative and a pleasure. I feel the same way about couples. I’m thinking of this one couple who came to see me where it was their third anniversary, which is technically the leather anniversary, which I did not know was a thing. It’s something like paper, blah, blah, blah, leather, glass, crystal, something for each anniversary, and the third is leather.
They contacted me for a double session to celebrate. I was like, “Well, what did you do last year?” She’s like, “Well, year two is about paper. I made 1,000 paper cranes.” I was like, “That is so different than this, but cool.”
I was so into it. She was the driving force behind the session. He was like, “I am placating my girlfriend,” which made it the woman’s enjoyment, which is always of the utmost importance to me.
Daddy An Li: For sure. Whenever I get couples, I’m always focused on the woman, unless it’s a man who’s bringing in his renascent wife to show her his love of kink or something. But I’ve had really great couple sessions, where they’re pretty much … it’s just all about the woman and the dude has to take all this stuff. I’m like, “if she could take it, you got to take it.” He’s like, “Oh, I guess?” He’s there. He’s happy for it.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I love it.
Daddy An Li: Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: How do you maintain some of those lifestyle and domestic D/s? We were talking a little bit more about ways of integrating FLR, female-led relationships into more domestic D/s settings, what are some rituals that you’ve adopted with your submissive?
Daddy An Li: This is funny, because I used to have a lot more. I think it’s gotten really lax since COVID started, and we’re just around each other 24/7, because the mess that we accumulate in the home is just a lot more. A lot of my rituals are rooted in domestic activities. Now he’s like, “This is not fair, because we are constantly in the home 24/7.” There’s just so much mess.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: You wanted 24/7, review 24/7.
Daddy An Li: For me, it’s mostly the energy that I carry throughout and the attitude that I carry throughout. In regards to rituals, I’ve been slacking on that. We used to play more, but I think once you just get into a relationship, you got to work harder for it. I’m not really a great example of that, admittedly. It’s mostly I just remain in charge no matter what. I constantly seek out ways to defy him, and that to have him tried to defy me and then to correct him. I very much like to just get a rise out of him and then correct him for raising his hackles to me. I don’t know if it’s the healthiest thing to do. But it is so fun.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: As long as you’re both enjoying it.
I think it’s little things that I find really fun. My submissive does some website admin stuff for me. I told them that they weren’t allowed to cum until they got me a hot post on Reddit. I like just basing it totally on things that they have no control over. Or I’ll tweet like, “Should I let my submissive cum and let Twitter decide?”
Daddy An Li: I definitely do that with my partner. It’ll be around domestic tasks, or even stuff like I really want to pick at his nose. Until he lets me pick his nose, he’s not going to cum at all. Or he’s just going to be ruined all the time. Or just we’re not going to do anything. We shoot a decent amount and people love watching my handjob video. No matter what, I end up touching his dick a couple times a month, but it’s whether …
Mistress Danielle Blunt: “This is just for content, quit fucking around.”
Daddy An Li: But there are plenty of ways just to constantly ruin him. Yeah. Stuff like that where I leave. I blackmail him into doing stuff by allowing him to cum or not.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: It’s not a tool for bargaining.
Daddy An Li: It’s funny because before we started living together, I genuinely thought in the moments where he wasn’t locked up that he was not cumming for me. Then he recently revealed to me that he had snuck it a couple of times and I was like, “Oh, I am so hurt. Here I was thinking you are a very good boy each time I let you out of the chastity device.” Mind you he was in chastity a lot and we only stopped because this chastity device kept on falling off at the gym.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I love that.
Daddy An Li: Just imagine it falling on the fucking elliptical.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Bro, just my chastity device.
Daddy An Li: Semen retention helps with testosterone, helps with the gains.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: You’re helping him.
Daddy An Li: I am helping him. But I was very upset to hear that he had actually jerked off a couple times. I was like, “How do I not know that this entire relationship is a lie?”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I hope you milk that.
Daddy An Li: I have. I milk it all the time. I still do. I’m never going to let it go. It’s going to be the thing that I hold on to now.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I like to tell my submissive I was like, “Do you have permission to cum?” Like, “I think so. I think that I do.” I’m like, “But do you?” He’s like, “I don’t know.” I personally enjoy giving conflicting orgasm control. They’ve been keeping track. Keep them on their toes.
Keep them a little bit nervous.
Daddy An Li: Exactly. They should always be nervous when cumming. You should always be wondering like, “Am I going to get ball busted? Am I actually going to be allowed to cum? What’s going to happen after cumming?” There always should be a little bit of fear in the cumming. He and I pretty much don’t have … the extent of our kink within sex is he very rarely gets to have a normal orgasm, just because I always find a reason to ruin it. Because like, “Who cares?” The only reason I let it cum is for prostate health.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I actually rarely let my submissives cum. The only times that I do is when I’m filming porn. This is edge play for me, letting my submissive cum. I just want everyone to know and all the content that I’ve made, you do it for you.
Daddy An Li: For sure. For sure. I do hand jobs in videos. I don’t do that in real life. Like, “I’m definitely not going to jerk any of my clients off like that.” But it makes good content and also my [submissive], I can ruin him really easily by just taking my hand away seconds before he’s about to cum. Then he’ll cum. But that’s just his cock doing it. He doesn’t actually feel the orgasm. It’s just him releasing cum.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Orgasms are so hot when they’re like, “Whoa, what just happened? Was that … Did I … Why wasn’t it … Oh.”
Daddy An Li: Then he tries to touch it. He’s like, “It’s not working.” I’m like, “I’m only doing this for your health. Men have to cum sometimes just so they don’t get prostate cancer. This is why you got to cum once a month at best.” It’s a holistic approach to BDSM.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. Alternative healing through orgasms. Yeah. You could do a lot with that.
Daddy An Li: I am.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. Mistress always cums first. Then I just forget about the submissive. When people are really into forcing their submissive to have multiple orgasms, but I’m like, “No, thanks.”
Daddy An Li: I like to do it with women, sometimes. But denial, I think, is a lot more fun.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I like doing it if you’re ganging up on someone and watching.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Ooh, bully.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah.
Daddy An Li: This is school girls cornering someone in the hallway and making her cum multiple times. Yeah. If you want to join our group, you’re going to have to cum 10 times in the next 5 minutes. That’s such a good scenario. That’s so hot.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I know. We’ll have to figure something out … make that scene come true.
Daddy An Li: That reminds me of this one meme of … I can’t remember what it was. Something about …
Mistress Danielle Blunt: … the milk.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. It was the milk thing. How women bullies are portrayed. It’s always just so fucking sexy.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Bullies are hot.
Daddy An Li: It’s true.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. Everyone loves a bully. Yeah. I feel both of us, too. In my personal life, and often in my sessions and in my clips, I don’t really get dressed up for sessions. I have a hardcore leather fetish, which is its own separate thing. But if you’re not going to be worshipping me when I’m in sweats, I truly have no interest in your submission or lying a bit.
Daddy An Li: For sure. For sure. Yeah. For me, I get a lot of masochist. A lot of masochists aren’t submissive. My proxy of that, I oftentimes do have to end up getting dressed for sessions because a lot of my clients aren’t genuinely submissive. But then I do have a lot of them where I’m like, “Listen this session is going to be complicated, hard, and long. I’m not going to be wearing anything fancy for you because things will get ruined. You want a lot of bondage?” No. There’s like hooks and things and all kinds of metal shit. No. I’m not putting on anything fancy for you.”
Daddy An Li: I literally don’t even know the last time I put on a cat suit. Must have been four years ago, three years ago.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Don’t ever put on a cat suit. They’re overrated.
Daddy An Li: I mean, God bless the super high fem, fetish queens who do that.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yes. Bless latex fetish queens.
Daddy An Li: For sure. It was actually just this week, I was just going through old photos and looking for a photo. I found videos I took of my two-year anniversary with gimpy. I rented out a vac bed and everything and took him to the dungeon and objectified him and all this stuff. It was just so hot to see his body just in case there and I’m just sliding all up over it. Typically, it wasn’t a professional session by any means, even though I whipped out the bells and whistles for it.
Daddy An Li: But vac bed is the one exception for me, one of the very few exceptions for me getting naked and just rubbing all up over it just a thick fucking layer.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Hot.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Just hooding their face or whatever so they can’t see anything. All they can feel is the warmth of my body. They don’t even know if I’m actually naked because you can’t see shit. Am I naked? Am I not? Who knows? Imagination.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Truly. That’s like my post fetish dreams. I wonder if that would be a low transmission rate for COVID.
Daddy An Li: I feel like you could … with the breathing tube, you could probably put a layer of, I don’t know, a N95 mask on it and just wrap it around.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Sit out the window.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. That’s true. Just out the window. That’s a good idea.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Social distancing in the age of BDSM. Yeah. It’s interesting to see how lifestyle D/s relationships evolve over time, and what becomes important, and what becomes less important the relationship evolves.
Daddy An Li: Yeah, for sure. I think for me, having an amount of play was very important for me. I think just to validate to myself that I was a real dom, because we always get imposter syndrome no matter how long you do it. You’re like, “Am I really lifestyle?” Someone says something about professionals aren’t lifestyle. I’m like, “Am I lifestyle? Am I not lifestyle? Where’s the barrier for this?”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: It’s for that person on Twitter to decide is.
Daddy An Li: Oh, yeah, for sure. But ultimately, no matter what, I’m still playing more than that person on Twitter guaranteed. Doesn’t matter who they are. I’m still playing more than you because I’m a professional. That’s like saying, “Are you a lifestyle cook? Who the fuck cares? You still fucking cook.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. That’s a good point.
Do you have any advice for people who are interested in female-led relationships? What should someone who is interested in a female-led relationship be thinking about on either end?
Daddy An Li: I think, as with all kink, and consent, and everything, the basics of it, start with communication. Which is not to say that you need to know what you want out of the relationship immediately once you go in, nobody’s getting married yet. But to constantly communicate your needs and what you’re desiring out of that relationship. For me, my needs are just I want to be carried around places. I want to be constantly fed and I want to be constantly paid for, and I want to have the final say in everything. Those are my needs.
Daddy An Li: That might change from time to time. Maybe it will reach a point in time where I no longer want to be ferried from place to place, perhaps that will end. But for now, I really enjoy it.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I had an ex who would drag me when I got tired. I would say, “Drag me and deliver me to bed now.” This is FLR. I’m just like having the visual of it. It sounds the most hedonistic thing. I’ve been told I can adopt a bratty toddler dom persona when I’m tired.
Daddy An Li: Oh, 100%. I’m the same way. I was just like I might start crying if I’m hungry. Like, “If I start crying, you better start feeding me real fast, just put it in my mouth, forcibly put it in my mouth.” Yeah, communication.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Healthy communication, whine like a baby.
Daddy An Li: Yeah, exactly, exactly. I think with FLR, the same tenets apply to negotiating a kink scene, which is good communication, discussing your boundaries. I think it should be as easy as that. I think also for the subside of those in FLR, and I’m going to direct this more specifically towards men, because women tend to be a little bit more introspective about it. But I would urge men to consider like, “Why you are seeking this out? Is it because it’s part of who you are? Is it because you don’t feel you deserve any better? Is it because you are seeking out to enact a certain fantasy and you think it’s a suitable 24/7?”
Ultimately, some of these answers you might not know until you try it out. But I think it is important to not question but to look into why you’re doing this because a lot of men don’t seem to understand that women aren’t fetish providers. They’re like, “Oh, female-led relationship, that means she’s going to jerk me off every single day. Because that’s like female-led, right?”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Or that they put you on this pedestal where you’re then not allowed to be human and make an error or be sick or be like, “I don’t want to get dressed up in a hot goddess outfit today.”
Daddy An Li: Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: They’re like, “Oh, my God.” I feel like those expectations are unsustainable. It’s female-led relationships and female supremacy are very interesting and powerful tools for me to play with. But at the end of the day, if I can’t … I don’t want to dominate someone who’s beneath me. I want to knock you down a few pegs. I don’t want you to already be there.
Daddy An Li: There’s this element of a sex worker, as we all know this very well, of our clients objectifying us in the same way that submissives can objectify us and address and refuse to acknowledge that we are human. Then we will have off days, no matter what. I don’t care how fucking high protocol you are. You will absolutely have off days.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Always when I’ve had off days that I’ve had conflict with clients who blend the personal/professional boundaries.
Daddy An Li: They get really confused because they almost see you as a one-dimensional being. They’re like, “You’re not bossy and like self-confident every single day. What’s going on? Is the world shattering? Is it my fault? Do you hate me now?” A lot of them.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: You get a little bit anxious when you walk into a target building?
Daddy An Li: Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I’m like, “I’m a human. I don’t like people.”
Daddy An Li: Yeah, for sure.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I like intense one-on-one interactions. That’s where I thrive.
Daddy An Li: Same. Same. Yeah. I think it’s understanding the parameters of humanity and that kink relationship is not different than a normal relationship, ultimately.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: … there are things that vanilla people could learn from the way that kink is negotiated. I want to build off of what you were saying about these relationships are built on communication. I’ve been doing some interviews with bigger media spaces, and they’re like, “Tell us, if someone wanted to do a kinky scene today, what should they do?” I was like, “Well, you should do your fucking research. You should learn how to communicate.” They’re like, “No, but give us an activity.” I’m like, “No.”
Daddy An Li: Yeah. It’s like some Cosmo tip. Like, “Stick a habanero up is asshole to make things extra spicy.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Call me “baby bird,” like that. That sounds great to me. Try to do that home, every subtask. But yeah, I really do think it’s strongly, strongly, strongly based on how you can communicate and how you can resolve conflict. If you can’t do either of those things, conflict is going to come up in any relationship in any way that you’re being intimate with someone. If you don’t have the tools to navigate outside of that conflict, it’s always going to end in rupture, and there will be no space to repair it and move forward and build relationship and learn about yourself.
Daddy An Li: Absolutely. I do think there are some men who seek out female-led relationships because they are unable to handle conflicts in their vanilla life. They just assume that if a woman is in charge of everything, suddenly that conflict will go away. It’s like, “No, it won’t.” Because ultimately, if you have an equitable relationship, which the irony of equity within a female-led relationship, but there is still equity of a sort.
Daddy An Li: If anything, adding the element of kink on it just adds another level of difficulty and complexity that inherently requires even more communication. You should have been communicating in the very first place in a vanilla relationship. To think that just because you let someone else take charge that all of a sudden the problem lifts off your chest and onto their chest. I think it’s very misconstrued. I’ve definitely met a lot of submissives who just assumed that like, “Oh, I have a lot of problems. But it would be solved if I were in a female-led relationship.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. It is very interesting. Then I also think there’s something that’s interesting, too, in the female-led relationships that take place within a professional capacity is that that there is this exchange of capital that’s happening. We’re talking about power dynamics and equity within female-led relationships. Something that I’ve found is that men are really not willing, or very begrudgingly trying to avoid looking at that role that money plays in how that power is distributed.
Daddy An Li: Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I don’t think all female-led relationship dynamics necessitate findom, although most of mine have some elements of financial support. It’s just very interesting, having been doing this for 12 years, the times that it’s come up with like, “Oh, I worship you, goddess, you’re so powerful, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Then some dude is not leaving the studio, because he’s not respecting my time and not willing to pay more money to go over. It’s just these very simple things that are very incompatible with a fantasy that they’re seeking.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. I mean, money is definitely a very polarizing subject. It’s why so many clients are like, “I’m into all this stuff, but I’m not into femdom at all, like at all.” I don’t know if that’s because of issues with class in the US or whatever. I think it delves into some pretty heavy socioeconomic stigma that goes into people being unable to discuss money. But me as an Asian I love talking about money.
Daddy An Li: We talk about money all the time. Asians love talking about money. We are very blunt about it. It’s part of my culture. I have no issue with it. But I think definitely this refusal to discuss money can definitely blind a lot of people and obscure a lot of the dynamic of the relationship.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. Or to see it as both compensation for your labor and also a form of power that can be played with.
Daddy An Li: Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I don’t do femdom in all of my dynamics with submissives and clients. But I do frame payment or tribute as we’ve adapted to calling it for whatever reasons to avoid law enforcement.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Or we can even call it payment for what we do. Or I’ve called like roses.It’s a way of you showing your support for me their financial domination element or I’m in control of your finances or where I make financial decisions for you or I do your financial planning. Or it could just be you are in a D/s relationship with me and you want to make my life easier, and literally the simplest way to do that. If you have … about space in my life, for me to make space for you, that is the one and only way to even give yourself a chance.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Definitely. All my best submissives have come with a lot of financial support. There’s no way that I would let any of them into my life without them demonstrating that like, “Yeah, you’re worthy of spending this amount of money. You think about what the date. I’m not going to date to keep ask motherfucker. I’m not going to take on a cheap ass submissive. I just don’t want cheap ass motherfuckers.”
Daddy An Li: I think there’s definitely this whole idea of, “Well, why should I pay for if you weren’t doing what you do?” It’s like, “Why would we even be here if you didn’t pay for it? Let’s be honest, would we even be here? We wouldn’t. But you’re paying for it shows that you do value me. If you do follow me, then great. We can proceed. But if you can’t even get past that initial hurdle of showing that you value me in a very tangible way, then what good are you.”
Daddy An Li: Which is not to say that everyone has to be rich to serve me, but you have to show effort in some way.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: It’s so interesting, because I feel some of my best clients aren’t super, phenomenally wealthy. I feel there’s this stereotype of the billionaire who sees the sex worker. But working class clients are the ones who tip me the best, because they know what it’s like to work in a service industry. They are the ones who are like, “Thank you so much. I really respect the work that you do. I will save up for a session. Currently, it’s outside of my budget.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I once had a client who lived in a Brownstone on a five story walk up on Central Park, who made a comment that his wife got the nicer house, comments about my rate. My response was just like, “I sincerely don’t believe that this should be an issue for you.” He’s like, “You’re right.” It’s just so interesting and seeing of my clients who leaves tips for housekeeping if we’re doing an overnight session.
Daddy An Li: Yeah, for sure. It’s also the stereotype between those of us who do what we do is the client who brags about his money is going to be the stingiest. Because if you feel the need to lord over your “power,” you’re going to be stingy about it. You’re not ready to submit. You’re not ready to be humble. You’re not ready to accept your place underneath. You’re still trying to lord over and exert dominance over me and you will never be a good client. That’s just how it is.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I feel something that I try in part on submissives is this idea that I have this relationship with. Not someone who’s coming to see me for a one-off session, but someone who’s interested in female-led relationships and ongoing D/s dynamics within their relationship. A femdom capacity is money is what gives me the space to be the person that I am that you want to serve.
You paying my rent literally clears up space for me to think about you and to interact with you. I only have a limited capacity to interact with people. I do a lot of things. I’m a busy woman. I have multiple different things like we all do, and have many different people that we love and care about in our lives that we want to prioritize and give energy to. If you’re interested in my time and attention to nurture these relationships, there will always be a financial component.
Even in my personal life. I feel people think that personal submissives, there’s not a financial component. But I would say but the more personal my D/s dynamics are the more financial support I’m receiving.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. It’s the whole idea of you can pay a $100 dinner for a date or whatever, however much you want to spend date. But your wife is going to cost way more money than anyone else if you are any decent partner.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. I think, too, there’s something about the person who will take you out for $100 dinner, but wouldn’t send you $100 to do what would bring you the most pleasure. I think they can spend it. They can only spend money on you when you’re physically together, and they’re in control.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I had a former sugar Daddy and we went on a first date. It was fine. I deduced that he had a lot of money and that we would have fun together. We had a drink at a bar. He mentioned that he likes going to strip clubs. I was like, “Great, we’re going to the ATM. Take out as much as your limit is. We’re going to stay at the strip club until we spend it.” We had like an amazing time. I was like, “So, so fun.”
It was our first date. Then he kept texting me for a second date. It just wasn’t panning out. Finally, he texted me and was … this is at the height of when Hamilton was playing in New York and no one could get tickets. He was like, “Do you want to go see Hamilton with me any day this week?” I was like, “That’s a pretty bold move. You know that I’m interested in money. It seems we’re on the same page. You’re stepping into that sugar daddy role.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I was like, “Actually, I’ve already seen Hamilton. You can buy me tickets to this show at this time and date.” We went to see the show together. We have a good second date. Then on the third date, it was time for him to give me something, as we had discussed and he couldn’t do it. Because I fucking tore him a new asshole in the lobby of his building, I’m like, “You’re twice my age. Do you really think that I would be doing this?”
But the issue was that he was so happy to drop 5K on a date with me. But he couldn’t spend $200 for me to get lingerie to have on my own. I’m just there’s something so backwards about … not even backwards. It’s very current of that logic, which is not what I’m interested in, which is you should only have access to capital when it’s in relationship with me.
I think the most romantic gesture, for me personally that anyone can make is here is this access to capital with no strings attached. I want you to live a beautiful life. It’s something you don’t have to think about as often. If I can take some of that labor or time or energy off of your hands, it would be my privilege.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. The thing is love and respect and submission, all those things, they don’t really have conditions like that. Given everything is conditional, whatever. But if you really respect someone, it doesn’t have to be on the condition of like, “I’ll respect you, as long as you’re in the room with me. But if you’re not in the room with me then we’ll see, maybe.” To respect someone shouldn’t require the background of you being in the context of it.
Daddy An Li: It should be unselfish. It should just be them unto themselves. For example, kind of on a tangent, but I’ve been thinking about this all day. I was on a sex worker community, and ended up getting in an argument with this dude, who was not a sex worker, and he was in there. He was trying to be a white knight being like, “Oh, yeah, men really suck. I apologize for all men on my behalf.” Someone was politely like, “Sir, this is a sex worker only community, please get out. You were not welcome here.”
Daddy An Li: He was like, “Oh, well, I was on your side. You should be thankful that I’m on your side,” stuff like that. I’m like, okay, one, respecting sex workers does not mean we should have to be thankful of you in order for you …
Contextualizing yourself within ourselves is not how respect works. Respect exists and to that person themselves. Not like, “Oh, well, you should be thankful of me and therefore I respect you.” It’s like, “No, you should respect me regardless of how pissed off I am at you. I am a valid and worthy person do. Do respect myself and I don’t need to worship you in order for you to respect me.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah.
Daddy An Li: That’s the money thing of “I respect you, but only when I’m with you.” Like, “No, if you want me to be happy, you should allow me to be happy without you as well. You shouldn’t have your respect be conditional of just while I’m there. It should be something that I enjoy for myself and brings me joy and not just you joy.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. Or like your boyfriend taking himself out of chastity. But it’s making me think about my … because I also do some work in academia as well. They want a former sex worker, someone who has previously done sex worker. But I’ve been yet unable to get funding because I am out and I do my academic work under my sex worker name. I have been unable to secure funding for academic work because I am … and I see fellow former sex workers getting fellowships, because of the status of being a former sex worker.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. It’s this idea of respect. You can have this if you stop doing sex work. You can have this carrot, if you’re with me in person. It reminds me at my first job was working in a coffee shop, and an older man, while I was like 16, held $1 bill in front of my face for a tip and told me to dance for it.
I looked at him in the eye. Grabbed the dollars and told him to get out.
Daddy An Li: That’s horrible.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: It was awful. It’s just very much that relationship to money I feel I’m constantly trying to decondition in people.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. If clients who have reticence about money, I mean, they should understand that money opens up doors. Money allows a certain amount of social freedom. It’s like, “Okay. You don’t want these doors open for me. You don’t want me to have social freedom. Is that what you’re saying? That is what you are implying by not giving me the money?” Like, “No, I would like it to be on my terms and my conditions.” There’s a lot of loaded stuff with someone who’s stingy.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: There is. It’s interesting, too, because I’m planning on releasing this on only fans, I think you are as well, with the relationship with tipping. It’s just because I’m on this platform doesn’t mean that I am waiting to just answer your question, because I love doing it. Actually, personally, I do enjoy most of the work that I do. But like, “I want to be compensated for it. I want to be compensated for it.” The people who get the most of me and the most out of their interactions with me are the people who I don’t even have to ask to tip.
Daddy An Li: Exactly.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Like, “What do you think about this? Or I’m thinking about right now.” I’m like, “Yes. This is hot. This is fun. You respect my time. Let me engage.”
Daddy An Li: For sure. For sure. There’s a reason why comments with tips get moved to the top, because we just care more. We just care more. I’m sorry. We care more if you put more money behind it. That’s ours.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: We care more. It’s like I can’t spend my time giving everyone individualized attention. It’s physically not possible. You do have to make yourself stand out and show that you respect my time.
Daddy An Li: Exactly. In turn, I will feel fonder of you because you respect my time. I’m like, “Oh, this person, he genuinely appreciates the answers I give. He genuinely is appreciative of my time. Yeah, I like this guy. He’s a good guy.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. I’m going to put energy into my response. Yeah. Yeah. It is. It’s so interesting. Thank you for chatting with me about that. That was fun unpacking a little of the relationship with money and sex work.
Daddy An Li: Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: From just sex work to financial domination, which I feel I’ve met so many men who think just paying for sex or paying for sexual service is financial domination, who feel the need to be like, “But I’m not into femdom.” I’m like, “I would never pursue a femdom relationship with someone who’s not leading with that.”
Daddy An Li: Yeah, for sure. It’s a lot. It’s a lot. Yeah. I mean, if one thinks that paying for a session is inherently financial domination, and like, “What the fuck is your barista, dude? What the fuck is anything else?” I mean, yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: They probably don’t tip. I would doubt that they tip.
Daddy An Li: Yeah, for sure. I mean, given everyone sucks the long dick of capitalism but this is just how things work. Just pay for my time. Yes, you will get more time if we pay for it. It’s very, very simple.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: True.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Well, is there anything else you wanted to chat about or talk about?
Daddy An Li: Let’s see. I was going to take notes on this and be like, “Questions, I want to ask Danielle Blunt.” Then I didn’t take any notes the entire time. I don’t know. How are you handling a COVID sessioning? What are your thoughts on it?
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I feel I’ve finally gotten into the groove of shifting to online work. I’ve been doing a lot of more DS submissive training virtually, which has been really rewarding for me. I have a few people who I have been seeing once a month or twice a month to do work together. They’ve been keeping submissive journals for me, which I get to like check in on.
Daddy An Li: I love submissive journals.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: But it’s taken a while for me to figure out how to eroticize the social distance and play into the tease of it and really get to that space of forming really beautiful connections with people virtually.
Daddy An Li: Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: It does bring up barriers that I’m not used to …
Daddy An Li: Yeah. I definitely think there is something to be said for whatever pheromones are released in real time. I would like to think that I exude some lioness dominant pheromones that just go like, “Rawr.” It’s definitely a lot more challenging. I mean, I think there are pros and cons to it. On the one hand, some people have more access to you and are able to reveal themselves in ways that perhaps they might not feel comfortable to do so in person, because you have the separation of distance in the screen.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I’ve gotten a lot of that of people who have never seen pro-doms before.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. I would say a lot of my online interaction that I would say easily 70% are people who only do this online and, for lack of a better word, are too scared to go see a pro-dom in real life. I think that’s always interesting to get people within that realm who you would never have access to otherwise. Yeah. On the other hand, it is hard to eroticize it sometimes because there is so much technical backend that can get in the way of pure eroticism.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Yeah. I’ve been focusing on DS training, and fetish sessions, because I feel the rest have been harder for me to translate online. But I think submissive tasks work really well. You’re going to go around and collect four different objects from your household. You’re going to use it to do CBT and send me photos. There’s some fun little tasks that people can give as a way to sex and stay in touch in between. In my personal relationships, I’m really looking forward to being able to see people in the flesh and grab onto my partners and make them fucking smell me.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. It’s not quite the same way. You’re waving your feet in front of a camera and be like, “Can you smell my stinky feet?” It’s like … You tried. We can all imagine it. But it’s not quite there. It’s not quite there. I think online domination does require a certain amount of eroticizing on availability, I suppose. I think that’s probably why ignore stuff is so much more popular in online stuff than it is in real life. Inaccessibility, which makes a lot of sense why brat princess types are a lot more popular online than real life. Yeah.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: That’s so interesting. Yeah. We get to actually get the brat’s attention.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. I mean, there’s also the whole thing of online clients are very different than real life clients, because real life clients have more emotions than online clients are like, “Yeah. I want to go fucking cut off my dick for you and blah, blah, blah.” Real life clients are like, “I’ll talk about it, but I’m not actually going to do it.” Online clients going to be like, “Yeah. Tell me how much shit I’m going to eat. Am I going to die on it? Am I going to choke on it?”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: They’re going to die on it. Yeah. There is the possibility of playing with impossible fantasies.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. It’s definitely a lot more fantastical online, for sure. But I mean, that’s good for me but an execution and castration fetish, totally fine by me. I’ve just been having this. I want to say easily 50% of my chats on SextPanther are just talking about me cutting off people’s penises. The reactions are always the same. It’s always like, “Would you actually laugh at me?”
Daddy An Li: I’m like, “Yep.” They’re like, “Really? Why would you laugh at me?” I’m like, “Because your penis is gone.” It’d be like, “But why? My penis would be gone.” I’m like, “I’m laughing at you, because your penis is gone.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: A great chat with Charlotte, my friend Charlotte, about spiritual awakening through castration.
Daddy An Li: One would definitely have that.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Sometimes sort of awakening.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Of course, I’m dying off. Awakening, dying off, potato, potato.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Potato, potato castration, castrato.
Daddy An Li: It’s definitely fun to play with the extreme side of things online. But then you get the people who can’t tell reality from fantasy. That’s annoying. But it’s interesting, because in real life, you can check in on someone and check their body posture, and just how they carry themselves to see how do they are …
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Where they’re looking. Yeah.
Daddy An Li: To see how deep they are into something. But sometimes talk can get pretty extreme online. I can’t check in with the client to see like, “Are you actually okay?”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I find that hard to … Even when I play with people in person, part of my negotiation is like, “Check in with me the next day so I know you’re okay, or I know that you’re not okay.” It’s something that I’m not totally used to is having really intimate conversations with people and just sexting for days, and they just delete and then are gone forever.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Very much so.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: I’m like, “That was intimate. I’m confused.”
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Very, very much so. That’s been definitely a lot of my online interactions. The people who, for me, at least, it’s been less common for someone to stay around for years. I have a couple of them. But yeah, most people are very much in and out. I think there’s an element of post-orgasm disgust
Mistress Danielle Blunt: That’s why you don’t let them cum.
Daddy An Li: It’s true. Never let that disgust happen. But for sure, you can’t control what they’re jerking off to. At the end of the day, it’s like we all talk about it, like, “Yeah. You’re not going to cum.” Then they hang up and you’re like, “Oh, they definitely came.”
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Okay. This is maybe where I’ll wrap it up. This is why I focus on orgasm control rather than chastity because motherfuckers can take off those devices themselves and not tell you for two years and bamboozle you. I would rather someone do it on their own volition than because I told them to.
Daddy An Li: Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah. I mean, I think for me, because I’ve done chastity for … I think the longest person I’ve had someone in chastity for was six months. But even still that requires a really good chastity device, or that requires you to be highly uncomfortable and not in the fun uncomfortable way but in like, “Oh, this pitches that doesn’t fit, my ball slipped out here and now I have to forcibly stuff it back in.”
Having a good chastity device is for sure a privilege. Ultimately, sometimes you just find too many issues with them off the rack chastity devices. Just cut it off. That solves everything.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: In summary, this is how all of my chats have been ending.
Daddy An Li: In summary, you just cut it off, and that would solve everything. World peace.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Cool. Where can people find you if they want to follow you?
Daddy An Li: My Twitter is Daddy_AnLi, A-N-L-I. Then my OF is I believe Mistress_AnLi. My Instagram is dominatrixanli. No spaces, I think. I don’t know. There might be a fucking underscore somewhere there.
Yeah, I don’t really use Instagram anymore because Instagram hates hoes. But it is what it is. Let’s see. I have clip stores I’m on anli.com and then watch anli.com and then surf anli.com, text anli.com, call anli.com, very straightforward thing. I have no idea how many URLs I own at this point in time. I mean, it’s a lot easier just to give that out rather than remembering your whatever ID number.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Totally. No. That makes sense. I’m at Mistress Blunt on Twitter and Instagram and onlyfans.com/mistressblunt. You can find me at mistressblunt.com and take it from there.
Daddy An Li: Yeah. Also, my website is You’re My Bitch.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: Your website is one of my favorites.
Daddy An Li: Thank you. I worked hard on it.
Mistress Danielle Blunt: It’s a good URL. So, so good. Okay. Well, thank you so much for chatting with me.
Daddy An Li: Yay. Thanks for having me. I’m super glad I got to catch up with you.
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