A Whipsmart Guide to Finding The Perfect Domme

I was interviewed for Hustler’s Magazine this week about finding the perfect Dominatrix for you. You can read more of the interview here!

“Don’t be a little bitch about being a little bitch.” – Mistress Blunt, NYC Femdom Dominatrix

Because choosing the right person to cede control to takes a lot of self-determination.

Mired in self-doubt over the prospect of booking your first Domme? Don’t be. Chin up and eyes forward, sub—we’re going to teach you how to make all your sub fantasies come true, minus the anxiety of not knowing where to start.

Your guide for this voyage is a dominatrix who has dedicated two decades of her life to perfecting the fine art of kink. Mistress Blunt (pictured) is a professional, schooled at an “old guard” upstate New York training chateau where she studied power dynamics and BDSM before settling in Brooklyn, where she offers professional sessions to a very select clientele.

Strap yourself in; this is going to get very real, very fast.

HUSTLERMagazine.comIt can be daunting to articulate one’s kink and what one needs in order to be fulfilled. Some people must freeze in their tracks when it comes time to look for a Domme. What should that first step be?

Mistress Blunt: Of course it is intimidating! If you are contacting a pro Domme, it is probably something that you’ve been thinking about for a while. It’s a fantasy that you’ve been building up, and you are so close to it becoming reality. Making steps towards manifesting your desires can be a challenge, and learning how to ask for what you want can be just as difficult as actually receiving it. That being said, most experienced pro Dommes have a substantial web presence. The internet gives us the space to really lay out what we are looking for in a client or a submissive, to share our specific interests, and to call in the kinds of sessions that we truly enjoy.

Obviously it’s not a one-size-fits all situation when matching subs and Dommes… I’m into X, but this Domme specializes in Y, etc… how do we begin to match desires with a Domme’s skill set / specialty? Is it as simple as reviewing the info on a Domme’s Twitter profile or website?

They call me Blunt for a reason. My answer again is to do your research! My website states explicitly what activities I enjoy, what I want more of in my sessions, and what I do not like doing at all. I’ve laid it all out for anyone who might be interested to assess the fit. Sex worker twitter is amazing. Many of us share even more content behind paywalls. Follow us, pay us for our content. Read our websites. Look at our pictures. Do we share pictures of the activities you are interested in? It’s like assessing attraction and shared interest in any other situation. What Dommes are you finding that make you feel excited? What do you find to be a turn off? Being in touch with your desires, your body, and your intuition will help you decide who will be a good fit for you. It is not a one-size fit all situation, so avoid sending out a copy and paste email. It’s also important to not set your expectations too high. You are on a journey and building chemistry is a process. Even a mediocre session can teach you a lot about yourself and your desires if you are open to it. If you don’t get discouraged it could even bring you closer to finding the perfect fit for you.

This next question is about perception. Is it possible that some men (or women) find a Domme that they like and might be a good fit for them… but because Dommes are “scary” (I’m just setting up a hypothetical situation here) they don’t reach out to learn more; maybe because they’re scared of looking dumb? Which is crazy because we all have to start somewhere… what would you say to someone like this, who was feeling apprehensive about making first contact?

I’ve definitely had people who follow me on social media for a year or two before reaching out. Sometimes that’s what you need to do to feel comfortable! If you’re a novice and wanting to enter a new community, going slowly doesn’t hurt. But there is no need to be scared. If you are doing your research, sending thoughtful, concise replies (with $$ attached never hurts) you are more than likely to get a reply with more information and be one step closer to setting up a session and getting to explore your desires in real life! Make sure you are reaching out to your potential Domme how they want to be reached out to! AKA most likely NOT by sliding into their DMs. Dommes receive a lot of contact, most of mine goes to an automated folder that I don’t see unless you very explicitly follow my instruction. It saves both of us a lot of time. If you aren’t going to follow my instructions for an initial contact, I doubt you would be respectful of my other boundaries in real life! 

Now, let’s say I’ve done my research – went to your site, learned about your rates and services, got a feel for who you are… but I still have questions. How do I get more information without annoying you or wasting your time?

Yay! You’ve done your research, good pet. Now it is time to fill out my contact form. If you still have more questions after an initial exchange of emails, let the provider know. It is totally normal to have questions before a new experience. I’d say ¾ of the time people have questions for me after “doing their research”, I can direct them to a page on my website that answers their question. So, first, make sure you’ve actually done your research. Then, if you still have more questions ask the provider if you could schedule a time for a consultation phone call and what their rate or preferred method of consultation is. I don’t exchange more than 1-2 emails with an individual without a consultation fee or receiving a deposit. I only want to play with people who respect my time, so this boundary helps to ensure that happens. Booking a phone consultation is an excellent way to respect a provider’s time and ask questions to alleviate any anxiety you may be feeling.

I understand that what I’m about to ask is baseless, but it exists and I’d like to get your take… like any field, be it carpentry, insurance, education – whatever – there are good people and there are bad people. As a prospective client seeking a Domme, do I need to be worried at all about someone trying to take advantage of me, using my submissiveness as a way to exploit me? I imagine these types of occurrences are few and far between, but are there any red flags I should be watching out for as I seek out a Domme?

If you yourself are a novice and seeking out your first BDSM experience, I would encourage you to book with someone who has a solid reputation in the field. Again, sex worker twitter is a great way to get a better idea of what a Domme might be like in person. Is she interacting with other members of the sex worker community? Does she talk about going to classes and learning new things? Does she teach classes? I think the best Dommes are part of a community that they can share skills with and a community that holds them accountable for their actions.

Can you walk us through some of the most common questions you get from people wanting to learn more about your services, and how you answer them?

I actually very intentionally do not list a public facing email address on my website. I have a very thorough contact form that gives me all of the information I need to facilitate a session or assess my interest in seeing someone. Some of my questions are, “What do you do for self care?”, “When was the last time you cried.” “Can you tell me a little about your kink history or interests?” I think it’s important for prospective clients to remember that Dommes are also assessing the fit of the client. If someone isn’t following my protocol, respecting my boundaries, or if they are sending me a copy and paste message, that is a red flag for me and I am less likely to see them. Because my contact form is so thorough, I don’t get a lot of questions. Everything is on my website. Once people fill out my contact form, they are usually ready to book! The novice clients that want to do a paid phone consultation with me before meeting usually just want to chat! It is a great way of assessing chemistry, talking about boundaries, and to start getting excited about play.

I have a friend who is into HEAVY medical play. And there’s really no room for error when inserting things into a person’s urethra. How can I make sure that the Domme I’m dealing with knows what they’re doing?

Sounding is so fun! Dommes have specialties and usually advertise them. If what you are looking for requires a special skill set, make sure the Domme you are seeing has those skills and tools. I am really into blood play, medical staples, and play piercings. I take classes from kinky, licensed medical professionals to learn how to do these activities safely. I think of it like continuing education courses! I’ve been a Domme for 12 years, and even though I teach classes, I still take classes and attend skill shares all the time. 

Let’s say I find the perfect Domme for me – how do I stay in her good graces? What is considered a customary tip, and does gifting play into it at all? Do you like to be gifted? What characteristics do your best clients share? 

Ah yes, staying in your Domme’s good graces. I love getting little notes with my tribute and I always appreciate a tip. I think it is important to be realistic and not over promise or overextend yourself. If you need to save up to see me twice a year, great! Just let me know. Little thoughtful gifts between sessions are sweet. With gifting, it is important to gift your Domme what SHE wants, not what YOU want to get her. I have very specific tastes, and I don’t like clutter. You might think you are being thoughtful by getting me something that is not on my wishlist, but odds are you don’t know me well enough to know my tastes better than I do! I am very generous with my energy and I appreciate when people reciprocate in meaningful ways to improve my life. Like paying my rent, maxing out my Roth IRA, or buying me a Femdom Commune upstate…. 

One of my favorite material gifts was a Rick Owens coat I wanted accompanied with a note that said, “Don’t worry, I’m not in love with you, I’m just having a midlife crisis.” So a sense of humor is for sure something I enjoy in a submissive. I wear that coat almost every day in winter and think about him. My favorite clients are open-minded, reliable, good at stating their boundaries, honest, and generous. They genuinely enjoy service and submission and are transported through their devotion to me. My favorite submissives are ones I can find chemistry with and who are loyal. BDSM is a huge part of my life and I relish the moments where I can find points of connection and energy exchange in my work.

Any parting words or wisdom about the process?

Don’t be a little bitch about being a little bitch. Do your research. Fill out the form. Click Send.

-Check out my protocol and contact form for examples.

-Daddy An Li has a great guide for novices seeking a prodomme. 

La Maison Du Rouge occasionally does dramatic readings of how NOT to contact a prodomme on their Periscope channel.