Mistress Blunt is a classically trained lifestyle femdom and one of New York City’s most elite professional dominatrixes. Internationally sought-after for her holistic approach to BDSM and femdom, Mistress Blunt specializes in a variety of femdom activities, including: foot worship, BDSM coaching, bondage, and more.
I like to say that BDSM can be therapeutic, but it isn’t therapy. I encourage everyone who is seeing me regularly to find community in the BDSM scene as well as a kink positive therapist. Having a kink aware therapist can be super helpful in processing and integrating what comes up during an intense BDSM scene.
Sadly, finding a kink positive therapist and someone who is knowledgeable and competent about the BDSM scene isn’t the easiest task. There are many barriers to finding a kink friendly therapist. It can be difficult to explain what BDSM is to a well-intentioned (but uneducated) therapist. Worse, some therapists incorrectly conflate BDSM and D/s relationships with abuse.
If you are seeking mental health services, you deserve a mental health provider who is knowledgeable and competent about your relationship dynamics and BDSM.
Often, it isn’t until we are in crisis that we seek out the help of a mental health professional. If you are able, ask for help from your community, friends, partner, family, etc. It can make the process of finding a BDSM friendly therapist easier. Sometimes just having someone to take a little bit off of your plate helps a lot, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Having worked as a care coordinator helping sex workers access competent mental health services with PERSIST, I want to share a few tips I’ve learned that might help folks seeing mental health care right now, especially those looking to find a BDSM friendly therapist. The advice below is relevant to folks seeking sex worker competent or polyamory competent therapists, too.
BDSM Therapy Research
I suggest researching 5-15 therapists you are interested in working with. I start by emailing therapists to assess the fit. (You might wind up with only 1-2 responses.)
You can also use ZocDoc with an LGBTQ search filter. Not all LGBTQ therapists are kink friendly or sex worker competent, but I have found that they are significantly more likely to have experience working with patients with these experiences. If you’re not sure if they have experience working with kinky clients, I highly recommend asking something like, “Do you have experience working with clients who engage in BDSM?”
A lot of therapists have a web presence, but are not taking new clients or seeing people on a sliding scale basis, so sending to a handful of options means you are more likely to get a response.
Remember: you are interviewing the therapist to see how good of a fit they are for you.
Try not to get too discouraged in the beginning… it can be hard to find a good therapist! The system is not designed to make it easy.
Here is a rough draft of what I’ve found most effective when reaching out to kink aware therapists. The initial email should help you weed out anyone who wouldn’t be a good fit for you and the BDSM lifestyle.
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 1: Who are you?
Share a few things about yourself that you think are important for your future therapist to know!
Example: Hi! My name is (Blunt). I am a (queer), (chronically ill), (sex working) (woman).
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 2: What are you looking for?
Example: I am interested in finding a therapist for (number)x week therapy. Right now, I am looking for online sessions with the opportunity for in-person work in (city). I would love to work with a therapist who is (sex work), (trans), (BDSM), ____________, and ____________ affirming.
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 3: Who is your ideal therapist?
This is where you can share what qualities and characteristics your ideal therapist has. Are you looking for a kink friendly therapist? This is the place to mention that or inquire about their experience.
Example: My ideal therapist is familiar with (transformative justice) and (cognitive behavioral therapy). Someone who understands (the complex lived experiences and narratives of sex work) and is (BDSM affirming). I would like to work with a therapist who is a (queer woman). Do you have experience working kinky clients?
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 4: What’s your past experience with therapy?
This is where you can talk about any previous therapy experiences or why you are reaching out to a therapist for the first time now.
Example: In the past, therapy has (not felt effective) because (x), (y), and (z). I am reaching out now because ____________________.
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 5: What’s your insurance situation and budget?
There are so many barriers to getting competent mental health care, BDSM friendly or otherwise. Not all therapists take insurance, and a lot of people don’t have access to insurance.
If you have insurance, you can do searches on ZocDoc to see who takes your plan.
If you don’t have insurance or your insurance doesn’t adequately cover therapy, I suggest inquiring about sliding scale options and letting potential therapists know approximately what your monthly therapy budget or your income is. Being upfront about your budget or need for sliding scale can reduce a lot of back and forth.
Example: I am looking for a therapist who takes _____________ insurance or is willing to work with me on a sliding scale. I make around $(x) a month.
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 6: Sign off and send.
When I’m helping someone find a BDSM affirming therapist, I suggest bcc’ing 5-15 therapists and waiting around a week to hear responses. Usually comprehensive inquiries get quicker responses with less back and forth, so be thorough.
Example: Please let me know if you might have space in your practice for me. If so, I would like to set up a time to talk about our fit or set up an initial consultation!
I hope that you found this BDSM therapy guide helpful in finding a kink affirming therapist. You deserve competent mental health care!
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One of my submissives is in a female-led relationship (FLR). He is married to his Domme and she sends him to me once a month to whip him into shape. Naturally, I thought it would be fun to interview both him and his dominant wife.
You can read part one, where I interview Pretty in Pink, the submissive cuckold, here.
In part two, you’ll meet Pretty in Pink’s dominant wife. We talk about kink during COVID-19, service-oriented submissives, and the realities of cuckolding.
Mistress Blunt: So, Pretty in Pink has just swapped spots with his wife. I’m so happy to chat with you. We’ve met once in passing at a party, but we’ve never really had a chance to chat.
Dominant Wife: Yeah, yeah, it’s nice to see you.
Mistress Blunt: It’s nice to see you, too. I would love it if you could tell me a little bit about yourself and your relationship with Pretty in Pink.
Dominant Wife: We met at a party. We were friends at first but of course, I fell in love with him, but one of the things, as you can imagine, that was intriguing to me is that though he never talked about sex or his sex life or his sexuality, he seemed to have an interesting and intense sexuality to me.
Mistress Blunt: How could you tell that?
Dominant Wife: You know, I don’t know exactly. You know most straight men don’t find sexuality or ideas about it very intellectually interesting, you know? They don’t engage in…
Mistress Blunt: …theory unless they’re perverse?
Dominant Wife: Yeah, I find they don’t have the intellectual capacity to have ideas about that if they just have a normative sexuality. I mean, this is just my observation as somebody who is always interested in talking about it. And he was always up for the conversation and had read widely in psychoanalysis and… I don’t know. I was just like, “Pervert.”
Mistress Blunt: Spotted! You got pervert vibes from him.
Dominant Wife: Yeah. Well early in our relationship, a lesbian acquaintance of mine, having met him for just a few hours, was like, “I really like him. Queer in some sense.” And I said, “Yes.” That was pretty much it.
So I think I picked up on something and then eventually… When we did start to have a more explicitly sexual relationship, he did let me know a little bit about what he was into and I was so intrigued. Because I hadn’t actually had a relationship like that. So the very first time we slept together, he asked me to put nipple clamps on him and it was so fun.
His submissive abjection was so charming and very sexy to me, but I wasn’t very surprised by it. Even though I wasn’t very familiar. I didn’t have a lot of lingo or familiarity with BDSM at that point, but I just wasn’t surprised. I was just like, “I knew it.”
Mistress Blunt: It made sense. The pieces fell together.
Dominant Wife: It just made sense. There was just something about him.
Mistress Blunt: And I think that’s so interesting, too, that he is the submissive who was sort of like, “Oh, will you do this for me?” And now it seems like you really enjoy it and it’s a large part of your relationship.
Dominant Wife: Absolutely. When he’s in a better, happier state, he does a lot of organizing from the bottom, but it’s definitely very much something we’re both into now. But I would not say that I resisted it. I was very intrigued. I will say that at every turn that… I mean, this is where he is a little bit of a top from the bottom, because at every turn he’s escalated it.
I will usually resist it at first. Like, years ago, he started learning about cuckolding as a thing, which I had never heard of as a fun practice. And when he first introduced it, I thought, “That sounds so fun, but I really don’t think you’re going to like that as much as you think.” It just seemed so improbable that that could actually work and be fun. Especially from the man’s side… I just didn’t really believe it… or I was just not really buying it.
So it was one of those things that I would just treat it as, “Oh, that’s a fun fantasy.” Like, “I’ll talk to you about that.” And he’d be like, “No, but really.” I just didn’t buy it. So it took us a couple years… maybe not that long. But he was smart because he knew I had this very sexy friend, a long-time friend who I had had a very sweet and sexy affair with when he was 21 and I was a big old lady of 26.
And we had stayed good friends. And Pretty in Pink liked him a lot and luckily there was something. And he was like, “I just think it would be fun. You two. I would be really into it.” But I was like, “I just don’t think that you’re really going to like this.” I did sort of want to be convinced because it’s fun.
Mistress Blunt: You’re like, “Oh, I don’t know… but convince me.”
Dominant Wife: Yeah exactly. So we did try that and, as anticipated, he did not like it and was very upset.
Mistress Blunt: I always joke with him that he’s complicit in his own undoing.
Dominant Wife: He was very distressed and I didn’t have enough Domme wherewithal at that point to be like, “No, you just have to suck this up.” So, I felt bad. I was like, “Oh, of course he doesn’t like it.” But he was like, “No. I shouldn’t just make it all about me. And I think maybe I would like it if we stuck with it.”
There was this uneasy period around it. But then it really deepened the hierarchy in a fun way. Because I think previously it had been more of just a sexual practice where I would do various fun things to him, but the cuckolding consciousness on both sides is really interesting and I think that it made much more of a Domme out of me… and much more of a submissive out of him. It really gave way to a lot more service.
Mistress Blunt: And I think, too, thinking of him specifically… the ego part… I feel like cuckolding must do beautiful things to that inflated ego of his.
Dominant Wife: Exactly, exactly. Well, and this is why he’s such a fun submissive. I can’t really imagine getting this with a lot of people because he has such a, as you say, inflated ego or extremely robust ego… You know it’s hard to say what is an inflated ego. Everybody should have a robust sense of their own worth and ideas. But he certainly does. And that makes it so fun to bring that under control.
Mistress Blunt: I wouldn’t want to top someone who is not my equal in some way, especially intellectually. So I think that it definitely… You are actually then lowering someone.
Dominant Wife: Exactly. I wouldn’t want to be in a situation where somebody really believed that I was their superior. In fact, I kind of don’t like that. You know sometimes you beat men who correctly think you’re their superior, and that’s not that interesting.
Mistress Blunt: And I think there’s a matter of earning it, too, to some extent. Or challenging and playing with where the power is falling intentionally.
Dominant Wife: Yeah. But I think that the experience of submissiveness is so much more intense for him because of his robust ego.
Mistress Blunt: Yes. Femdom is very effective for him.
Dominant Wife: It’s very effective. The cuckolding really strikes at that in just the right way because it’s almost a cliché of something that would be humiliating to men, like in a funny way.
Mistress Blunt: It works.
Dominant Wife: It does, it works. And it’s almost funny that it works on him because he’s so unconventional, but it does.
Mistress Blunt: How would you describe your relationship? Is it largely a female-led relationship? How do the D/s dynamics play out in the relationship?
Dominant Wife: Well, I would say, unfortunately, recently it’s less this way because there’s just a lot of things muting our intensity right now.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah.
Dominant Wife: But under ideal circumstances or better circumstances than this, then I would say that day-to-day it’s not that I’m making the really important decisions for the household… we’re definitely making those together and there are many I would trust him to make, but on a day-to-day level, I’ll be asking him to do little things.
Mistress Blunt: So there is some of that dynamic in the day-to-day?
Dominant Wife: Yeah there is definitely some aspect of that. And the better it is, the more of that there is. So, ideally, he’s making me coffee or if friends are over, especially friends who are in on it, but not even necessarily, I’ll be like…
Mistress Blunt: There’s a nod. It’s understood.
Dominant Wife: Yeah. And so I would say it’s on the day-to-day servicing stuff. I feel that stuff’s really nice for incorporating it into day-to-day without having too much drama about whether it’s really real or not.
Mistress Blunt: Right, I get that.
Dominant Wife: You know what I mean? It can be frustrating when you get into ambiguous terrain of “is this roleplay or is it serious?”
Mistress Blunt: I totally get that.
Dominant Wife: And with the service stuff, you never get into it. It’s obviously not important and yet it is important. It’s important in that it makes you both feel that things are a certain way, but it’s not important in the sense of, “I decided to spend $5,000 without asking you.” Which is a level of top that I just don’t really aspire to because I do want us to basically be equals.
Mistress Blunt: Right and it feels like there’s a difference between reinforcing the D/s relationship and making life decisions like that. You want a partner to make those decisions with.
Dominant Wife: Right. And at the same time, it’s interesting because he will… in good times, he will definitely continue to try to escalate things.
Mistress Blunt: Always escalating, that one.
Dominant Wife: Always escalating. He’s always wanting things to be a little bit more.
Mistress Blunt: Do you think he enjoys not liking certain things?
Dominant Wife: Yep.
Mistress Blunt: Yep.
Dominant Wife: Absolutely.
Mistress Blunt: That’s the escalator.
Dominant Wife: And he does enjoy not liking certain things. So I have a lover who Pretty in Pink really enjoys his dislike of.
Mistress Blunt: I believe I might have heard about him.
Dominant Wife: I’m sure that you have. It’s very funny. It’s been going on a long time, but in the first couple years of it, it would stress me out… his dislike of the situation… I would feel like, “Maybe this is not really going to work.” And sometimes his dislike of the situation seems so sincere and again, I didn’t want to be getting into that terrain of he’s really the submissive who makes no important decisions. So continuing to have this relationship that he didn’t seem to enjoy… I felt conflicted.
And so there was always this ambiguity about it. After a couple years… as you’re probably getting the idea, everything moves kind of slowly for us… After a couple of years, it just became clear that there was something that he really enjoyed about it and that he had not just made his peace with it, but actually liked that it was so much my decision.
So sometimes in the past, in the cases where it’s been a cute guy of obviously homoerotic charm or appeal, Pretty in Pink will often get really into it. But this is so not that. The guy is great in so many ways, but significantly less handsome than Pretty in Pink. Like objectionably. There’s just lots of reasonable criticisms you could make of him which…
Mistress Blunt: I feel that could play into the dynamic even more.
Dominant Wife: It does and it’s kind of funny. But, again in good times, we come to a real enjoyment of it where that’s what’s hot about it: it’s inexplicable to you. “It’s inexplicable to you and the Mistress is going to do what she pleases.”
Mistress Blunt: I had an experience where my ex, who was my cuckold, was used as the “bull” in a cuckolding situation with another Domme and it made me feel so powerful. I was like, “That’s fun.”
Dominant Wife: Yeah, that is fun.
Mistress Blunt: That was great for me.
Dominant Wife: It also just places you at the top of this pyramid, which is also beautiful.
Mistress Blunt: I love it, yeah. I feel like you’ve sent Pretty in Pink to see me or he’s come to see me before some of your dates with this person. I’m curious if you could talk a little bit about your husband seeing dominatrixes throughout the relationship. What is this like for you and what is it like sending him?
Dominant Wife: I don’t think that we’ve been as conscious about it with other dominatrixes. I think that when he’s gone to others, it’s because he feels like it… he’ll make the plan. But in this case, we do often make the timing work. A lot of it is amplified and makes the most of that because then he’s going to be extra cuckolded a series of times around it. That’s just going to be more fun and make more use of my one date.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, you can sort of elongate the excitement for it. Turn it into foreplay.
Dominant Wife: It makes more because the day is, of course, really fun in itself… on its own merits, but there’s just so much more fun to be had than just the thing itself.
Mistress Blunt: Right. The tease is part of the game as well.
Dominant Wife: And even under good times, I only see that person once a month. So it’s fun to make the most of it in that way. And I also find it’s a lot less fun if I have a date and I haven’t really gotten him into that cuckoldy space because then he’s still cranky about it or a little bit low-key bitchy.
Dominant Wife: Yeah or making fun of my date more than I want him to.
Mistress Blunt: It helps lubricate the process of his submission.
Dominant Wife: Right. But if he doesn’t really get into it, the submissive space around it, it’s not going to be as much fun. And so I find that definitely if he goes to see you and you taunt him about it, then that also gives me a greater sense of fun about it.
And then he’ll be much more submissive in greeting me when I come home. It has more, what is the term? The sort of banal term is a ripple effect, but I feel there’s a more fun phrase for that.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, I get what you’re saying. I feel like thinking about an orgasm sort of has that similar ripple effect where it’s not just the climax, but everything leading up to and after.
Dominant Wife: Exactly.
Mistress Blunt: That’s so interesting. I also love the idea of him just outside of the door, just thinking about what we’re talking about… it’s very fun to think about. I’m sure he’s thinking some thoughts.
Dominant Wife: Hell yes.
Mistress Blunt: Well I want to be respectful of time, so I’m going to just ask if there’s anything you wanted to close out with, that you wanted to include… or any other thoughts.
Dominant Wife: Just it’s really fun to think about this with you, especially in these times where it’s been a little harder to lead our usually kinky life. We’ve realized we’re perhaps a little bit too dependent on the cuckold situations to influence the whole picture.
So that’s one part of it. But the other part of it is he’s just very depressed because it’s a global pandemic and the world is in a very depressing…
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, well I hope this inspires some creative kink. He’s definitely thinking about what we’re talking about and loves the attention. Thank you for chatting with me about this. It’s always so fun to be able to chat with people who come to see me’s partners… and having partners send them to me is always just really fun.
Dominant Wife: Yeah, well thank you.
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I sat down with my erotic hypnosis submissive to discuss intimacy in service-oriented tasks, responsible financial domination on a working class budget, the ordinary ways D/s relationships manifest, and more.
Mistress Blunt: Maybe we should start with your mantra, and then you can introduce yourself.
Brian: I am weak, and you are strong. And my name is Brian. I’m a writer. And I’ve been serving you for sometime now.
Mistress Blunt: I can feel your whole energy shift with just you reciting that little erotic mantra.
Brian: Yeah. Very powerful.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. How does it feel to have a simple sentence like that have so much control over you?
Brian: It feels really good. It came up very organically in our session. We were thinking it out, almost out of words, and it just feels like a very organic, natural growth that just… I don’t know. It just feels very right. Those words have a very calming influence, a very powerful, erotic influence. And when I say them to myself, I can just speak it out and just visualize everything just pausing and slowing… instantly. It feels very nice to have.
Mistress Blunt: That sentence came out of an erotic hypnosis session, and it just sort of was the distillation of everything that was going on. Just, distilling it down to one sentence that we could focus on and bring the attention to within that scene.
Brian: My mind has always been scattered, and I can often be trying to rush out five different ideas at once. This devotional submissive mantra was a very calm and perfect distillation of all the different things that I was feeling in that moment. And it’s nice to remember that centering, that focusing, almost laser-like. It feels very good.
Mistress Blunt: We’re so far away from each other physically right now; we’re doing this interview remotely. But I could just see that entire shift in how you’re holding yourself, your breath. And I could feel you going there with me, which was really cool.
Brian: I’m glad. I’m glad it’s obvious.
Mistress Blunt: It is obvious, in most of our interactions. Remind my readers how we met.
Brian: Let’s see. I first discovered you online, on Twitter. And I thought your tweets were really, really interesting. I thought they were really funny, really smart. Always political. I was learning a lot from them. I was really, really interested. And I found almost everything in your list of favorite kinky BDSM activities to be intriguing. I thought it was the hottest thing.
Just various pictures, jokes, femdom witticisms or observations that other dominatrixes have made. And I just felt a very, very strong vibe. Very, very strong connection. I had seen other Dommes before, both in person and over the Internet. And I had certainly had a lot of good times.
But, I don’t know. I was just like, “Everything she posts, I always think it is the hottest thing, ever.” And I was like, “As soon as I can afford to, I very much want to see her.”
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. And you were good. You saved up to come and see me. I love that.
Mistress Blunt: And so you did see me. Tell me about that…
Brian: Oh, man. Oh, man. Let’s see. I remember feeling a lot of excitement in the first session. I remember coming to the dungeon and just feeling as if everything I had seen on the screen was just magnified in my head… even more powerful in reality. It’s like, suddenly you were there. And that was really, really powerful. Just to have that connection. And I remember you had me walk home after our session. You made me walk home the whole way.
Mistress Blunt: How long of a walk was it?
Brian: It was about a 45-minute walk. It was good.
Mistress Blunt: You were floating after that session. I didn’t want you going onto a subway platform.
Brian: Yeah. I was very, very much floating. I just remember that feeling of energy. I remember feeling this sub bliss… just a complete subspace bliss. Which was really, really great. I had fallen into an erotic hypnosis trance by that point. And just really riding this real incredible high of just being in your presence.
Mistress Blunt: And how does it feel to have such a malleable mind, that a dominatrix like me can just weasel her way in and move some things around?
Brian: It feels good. It’s something that hasn’t always been best for me, honestly. At times, it’s brought me into relationships with people that ended up being overall negative. And it hasn’t always been the easiest thing. Because I’ve become aware that I get very, very excited about it. And I get very, very interested. And I get malleable, as you said.
Mistress Blunt: It’s a vulnerable state.
Brian: It’s a very vulnerable state. It really, really is. And to have someone like you, such an incredible Mommy Domme. That felt really good. It felt like a key unlocking, very much.
Mistress Blunt: Mommy Domme only plants beneficial ideas in your brain. Beneficial to me, at least. (laughs) I’d be interested in hearing if you wanted to talk a little bit about what felt different in our session compared to some other ones. And I do remember when you were coming to see me, that was something that we were talking about. Some things that didn’t work or that you wanted to avoid.
Brian: Things that were different with you. What I felt was that it was so obviously about your pleasure, an exciting opportunity to add to your pleasure and add to your comfort and add to your ease. And just having that ability to do that felt very rare, and felt very important. Very significant, in that time. In other sessions I’d been in… I don’t want to… it’s so deeply felt, it hit me… just the chance to add to your pleasure, I would say.
Mistress Blunt: Yes, my pleasure is a good thing.
Brian: Absolutely. It was a chance to rewire myself. And previous experiences were quite physical, quite incredible, a lot of rushes, a lot of highs, but there wasn’t a chance to settle in and alter myself like there was in the session with you.
Mistress Blunt: So a place for what happened in the session to move outside of it in a way that felt healthy and okay?
Mistress Blunt: “Yes, Mistress, that’s exactly what I meant.” Just teasing you and mimicking my mind control powers. (both laugh)
So what I’m hearing you talk about is a little bit about providing comfort, aiding in my pleasure. I know that our sessions revolve around femdom and financial domination. And I wonder what role female-led relationships take for you? What role it has in your life? How have you gone about finding healthy ways to integrate it into your relationships? And so that it’s sustainable for you.
Brian: Yeah. It’s certainly been a journey for me to do that. For a long time, it was a way for me to escape my problems, it was the way for me to avoid. It’s easy to avoid change when you’re into a humiliation fetish. It can be easy to self-fulfill that thing.
I would say after seeing you several times, I just have been able to incorporate a femdom-level of fun and self-discipline, and find a comfort within myself.
In my current relationship with my girlfriend, it can be part of a fun dynamic that we have from time to time. When she used to come over to my apartment, the way it would go on Saturday morning is that we would usually have sex. And then I’d always go out and get us both breakfast while she stayed in and just relaxed… and other domestic femdom elements like that. And like, walking back from the grocery store. And I’ll just carry all the bags. Probably not the loudest things in the world, for sure…
Mistress Blunt: It’s subtle. And she knows what you’re getting out of it?
Brian: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, definitely. Yes. It’s a little joke between us.
Mistress Blunt: I like that. And I also love those subtle things because they’re so sustainable and integrated into life. I don’t think that femdom or the architectural role of a dominatrix has to be this incredibly performative action. It can be something as simple as, “Hold this.” And just handing you a bag can transform you into that headspace.
Brian:Absolutely. And we also, and yeah, we also incorporate it sexually as well, which is a lot of fun.
Mistress Blunt: That’s awesome. It’s so fun to be able to find primary relationships that meet those needs or to feel like having those needs met isn’t so difficult.
Brian: Yeah, absolutely. A couple of relationships ago, I told myself that I was going to be open and just straight out of the gate with it: D/s and erotic hypnosis is something that I’m into.
Mixed results with that. Some people were not into it. Some people say they are and they aren’t, et cetera and so forth. But it’s definitely a healthy balance. And of course my partner has her own fetishes and interests. And we also play with and incorporate them all the time. And in a way, bringing her pleasure in that way… it’s like bottoming from the top.
Mistress Blunt: You’re service topping! Cute. I think there’s so many different ways to find sustainability, both in professional female-led relationships and in personal ones. And then I love the subtle, “Go get me breakfast.” That’s very cute. And I feel like it also just shows how subtle a manifestation of a femdom lifestyle can be.
I’m curious about when you were younger… what was your first realization or pause of, “Oh, shit. What I like is a little bit different than what I’ve been seeing. I’m really into women having control and total power exchange. I really want to submit to a woman.” What was that moment for you?
Brian: It was my first impulse.
Mistress Blunt: Before you breathed? Before I took my first breath, I knew I was meant to be at the feet of a superior woman.
Brian: It sounds nice when you put it like that. The very first thing, the very first memory I have of actively wanting something like this was hearing an older cousin of mine make a joke about how men are dumb or something like that. And then I remember thinking about how my dad got all flustered in a fake way. And I was like 12 at the time. So I went home and Googled or Ask Jeevesed: “Women making jokes about men.”
Mistress Blunt: Oh my god, that’s pretty spot on.
Brian: And you got a lot of “how many men did it take to install a light bulb” jokes. But eventually, I ended up in 1999, on a dominatrix’s website. And it was her story archive. She had a story section of her website. And it was the year 1999. And that led me to the erotic mind control, erotic hypnosis story archives.
And so that was my first experience with erotica. I know a lot of other men seek visual porn very early on… I didn’t really know what the other guys in my class were talking about. They were talking about watching sex with women and that sort of thing. And it was just another complete world to me. I felt a lot of guilt towards it. It took a while to work out of, but I did.
Mistress Blunt: Did you watch more traditional pornography as well? Or were you not interested in that or not have access to…
Brian: I’m sure I watched some at some point. But I was maybe 12… I would mainly buy Maxim. Looking at a woman in a bikini seemed more interesting to me than just a nude woman.
Mistress Blunt: The clothed female naked male (CFNM) highlighting their power. You needed the power dynamic in order for the erotic fantasy to fulfill.
Brian: Definitely. Yes.
Mistress Blunt: I was the same way. And I also have early Internet online chat room experiences where I would watch some visual porn, but I didn’t have the search terms to find the power dynamic I was looking for.
I didn’t have the terminology “human dildo”. I would just click around until I found, “Oh, she’s objectifying him.” I didn’t have that language either, but I’m like, “That’s hot.” I would watch the same clips over and over again. Or I would go into chat rooms, and just tease and deny older men. And it was like, “This is fun. I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m really turned on.”
Brian: That’s what so much of the 90s, early 00s Internet experience was: “I don’t know what’s going on here, but…”
Mistress Blunt: That’s how I would summarize it, really. The early 90s. Online for sure. And so you were reading erotic hypnosis stories, and I’m assuming that they had some element of femdom and power exchange and control? And what about that appealed to you then?
“It’s having attention without having the pressure of having to perform.”
Brian: The other thing I was also drawn to… I kept wanting to read Cosmo and Marie Claire. Because I kept wanting to read about women who were turned on. It was definitely an attention thing. The idea of objectification and the idea of wanting just to be near a woman who was aroused, but not be the
person in charge of that. It’s having attention without having the pressure of having to perform. I certainly could not have put it in those terms at that age, but looking back on it…
Mistress Blunt: There’s that idea of the older sister inviting you into the sleepover party, where you get to see this ritual that only the girls get to take part in. And you’re taken over by this feminine power.
Brian: That idea that, that, that was the thing I wanted the most back then. I would see girls talking and I’d be like, “What are they talking about?” Yeah. That certainly was a very big part of it. Yeah.
Mistress Blunt: And then from there, I also see the desire to please. Because how can you truly bring someone pleasure if you feel you’re unable to know what brings them pleasure or know what they’re whispering about? It was less about your erotic fantasies and more about a desire for the knowledge to be able to fulfill their erotic fantasies.
Brian: Exactly, yes, exactly.
Mistress Blunt: And that’s why women like me are great… because I’ll just tell you exactly what I want. There will be no questioning, truly. That’s hilarious. I love that you would read Marie Claire and Seventeen. Was it arousing for you? Or were you just… yeah, okay, I can tell by your face. So funny.
I have this very vivid memory from one of our sessions where you came over to see me before I was going on a date, and you had bought me this really beautiful gold necklace. And the scene was centered around cuckolding while Mommy cuckolds you before her date with this gold necklace that you’ve saved up your allowance to buy.
And verbalization is something that’s really big in our sessions… and repetition. And it was, “I bought you that necklace.” In the session, this sentence held so much power between us and you were just so happy you looked like you entered this totally ecstatic state. I would love it if you would talk a little bit about what that session was like for you.
Brian: Oh, I have such a great vivid memory of that session. I see it exactly. Thank you. Thank you, Mistress. And yeah, I love the way you put it as well. I remember you’d given me the assignment of picking out a piece of jewelry for you as opposed to just going on your wishlist and buying one.
So I just remember thinking, “Pressure’s on.” What a challenge to try to buy jewelry, and I low key always loved picking out jewelry. It probably connected to my earliest memory that day, which was picking out jewelry for my mom before going to synagogue every Saturday.
Mistress Blunt: Classic.
Brian: Classic, yeah. And I really wanted to try to capture your aesthetic. What I’ve always liked about serving service-oriented tasks for you has been being able to try to mold myself to your liking. It’s trying to fit myself in a Mistress Blunt-shaped mold. You’ve put down the parameters, and I have to squeeze my way into them and find a way through that and find the way to that. And having that insistence and having that almost sub drive to push myself into that position. It’s an energy I’ve always loved.
And I remember trying and looking at your wishlist and narrowing things down, “Alright, here are the designers I think she likes.” Just organizing it and breaking it down. I just like breaking things down into the core components and distilling it to what I think is most useful. I remember all the process of it. And I remember enjoying putting in all that effort and knowing that when I would present you the necklace, that there would be all this effort behind it.
Mistress Blunt: I feel that effort, too, is a really fun way to play with D/s relationships and kink dynamics… to have something that consensually goes beyond the bounds of a scene, that prepares you and gets you excited… to tease that excitement apart so it lasts a little bit longer. A little kinky foreplay. It’s really fun.
Brian: Yeah. It really, really was. And I remember taking it to work with me and leaving it on my desk for a couple of days just so I could take it right from work to your dungeon.
Mistress Blunt: Charge it on your desk with a little of your money-making capacities.
Brian: Exactly. Yeah. And I remember, “Oh, no one here knows that there’s a gold necklace here.” And it’s great. And that whole process of finding it and buying it and presenting it to you. And of course, I love the dynamic of: I’m working a lot because it makes me feel useful. And then the Domme not working…
Mistress Blunt: That’s amazing.
Brian: Yes, exactly.
Mistress Blunt: I remember when I sent you grocery shopping for me and I had no idea how much effort you put into it until you got there. And you’re like, “Alright, well I spent two days getting all of the objects and went to three different grocery stores… and I don’t have a car. So I have these two huge Ikea bags…”
Brian: Yes. Yes.
Mistress Blunt: You were in an erotic hypnosis daze by the time you even got to me. It is so fun to play with people who really enter that subspace and that erotic trance state of willingly offering their malleability, their desire to be played with.
Brian: Absolutely. Yes. Boy, getting those groceries was so much fun.
Mistress Blunt: It sounded really hard too.
Brian: It was really hard. Yes.
Mistress Blunt: You’re like, “Where the fuck do I get these figs?”
Brian: I just remember thinking, “You can figure it out. You can figure it out. You don’t have to take up her time about it.”
Mistress Blunt: You didn’t text me once. I was very impressed.
Brian: I wanted to handle it. I wanted to handle it all for you. And I remember going to Brooklyn… getting those slabs of meat and always being really good, high-quality.
Mistress Blunt: You’re like, “She has good taste. She’s going to eat these on her date.”
Brian: And just bringing them and bringing them to you and putting them all out on the island, I remember.
Mistress Blunt: It was like each thing that you put out, your breath changed. And I think it’s so interesting how something like going grocery shopping for someone can turn into this erotic, hypnotic, ritualistic process to induce subspace.
So it’s not necessarily this corporal scene where we’re using a bunch of toys, but we’re just playing with aspects of everyday life and teasing them apart. So the D/s relationship becomes the sole focus of attention. And then each time you place a grocery on the counter, it’s an element of submission. I just turned myself on saying that… I can’t even speak now.
But I think that’s a fun part of power exchange and how BDSM can transform everyday interactions that you take for granted without that ritualization.
Interesting. I’m interested, where does femdom or financial domination play into this for you?
Brian: That’s a good question. It’s a very, very good question.
Mistress Blunt: Maybe I should be an investigator.
Brian: Yeah. I mean, you would be great at it, but…
Mistress Blunt: I would get all the answers. Solve every case.
Brian: Absolutely. Yes.
Mistress Blunt: With unethical methods. Maybe I should stick to this. And roleplay.
Brian: I just started noticing a connection with my kink interests and financial domination. Eventually the erotic mind wound up there. I know I started looking more and more. I discovered NiteFlirt and eventually Dommes on NiteFlirt started talking a lot about financial domination. It started becoming one of the main things people were talking about.
And I got into it through erotic hypnosis, honestly. At times, the rush of it can really feel otherworldly. It could feel exhilarating. It can be an incredible dopamine rush. And that can then come, at times, with a hard crash.
It can be a very intense experience. It’s something that I have played with at times. It’s easy for me to get away from myself and push… especially online… push past what I thought was a good limit on things. And that can manifest itself more online, I think, than other places.
But I think at its best, it really just adds an element of power exchange and adds an element of direct contact. It can be a lot, a lot of fun to play with.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. I definitely agree. And I like thinking of it as a manifestation of total power exchange because the dopamine hit is fun, but I like play that’s sustainable.
Brian: Absolutely, that’s the thing.
Mistress Blunt: Sometimes people just want the dopamine, though. And who am I to deny them? (both laugh)
Brian: Absolutely. Yeah. And then it can be very easy. That’s a perfect way of framing it, honestly. Within the framework of a power exchange, within the framework for another thing… it can be an absolute blast. When it’s just a dopamine rush, it could also be a blast, but then you might have no money very soon.
Mistress Blunt: Right. It might have a real impact on your life that you weren’t intending. I feel like it’s not just financial domination, either. And I feel like sometimes financial domination gets this bad rep because it is so clearly this… especially online… it’s so clearly this rush of dopamine when you click the button to send.
But I do feel it’s the intention behind any activity.
Any activity can either be a path to transcendence or to doom and gloom. And it matters how you’re communicating, what your intention is behind clicking send. If your intentions are aligned. And if it’s not a sustainable intention, it’s not going to be sustainable!
I don’t necessarily think that that’s findom’s fault. You could be doing so many different things if you’re seeking that unsustainable high. Gambling is the same… with less stigma.
Brian: I agree a hundred percent. And so with financial domination, it’s easy to be complicit in your own rumination, which is part of the fun of it. That you were taking such an active role in the destroying. You get to be part of the fun, too. And not just taking something that the Domme gives. You’re giving, too.
You almost get to make yourself feel like the star of the show. Almost, “I’m sending this amount, I’m sending this amount.” And again, it can be very easy to take a lead role in the performance, so to speak, which can be a big dopamine rush.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. And it’s so interesting. I read a lot about the psychology of gambling and I think one statistic that I find really interesting is that every third interaction with a machine has to have a slightly positive gain to keep people at the machine and spending money. And I just think it’s really interesting.
You can literally hack emotions and responses based on psychology, and how the average person will likely react to this situation. And, as with anything, you can do that for something like gambling or marketing to extract money from people, or you can do it for something like getting people to wear their seatbelt while they’re driving or increasing the number of people who get a flu shot.
Mistress Blunt: Do you think there was anything that I missed or something that you’re interested in saying about your experience with me?
Brian: I’ve always enjoyed our power exchange. I’ve always enjoyed it so much. It has felt such a natural blossoming of just our interacting together. And I’m so incredibly glad I reached out to you and that I was able to save up for that.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. That’s something I want to talk about, actually. You saved up for a session with me. And so you’re someone who’s interested in financial domination, but who’s still in a financial position of saving up for a session, where it’s a special thing. And my rate is outside of a lot of budgets.
Would you talk a little bit about why it was something you felt was important to save up for? Because I feel people have this misconception that tech entrepreneur billionaires make up the majority of femdom clients when, in fact, a lot of it is working class folks. And I’ll also say working class folks tip the best because they’ve often worked in service industries before.
Brian: Yeah. Here’s to the working class subs out there.
Mistress Blunt: Cheers.
Brian: Yeah. I just remember seeing your online presence… reading your blog, reading your website, staring at your pictures just long enough. And I was like, “Alright, this woman will definitely blow your fucking mind. You’ve watched enough clips. This is something that you deserve to do for yourself.”
And also at that point, I was trying to gain more self-control and limit my spending in terms of financial domination. And making any effort to save, even for a thing, felt like a step in the right direction. Rather than just sending quick rush, quick rush, quick rush, quick rush. And then I would end up feeling not great at the end of that. And I thought I was really looking to break out of that pattern.
“This is something that you deserve to do for yourself.”
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. I like that. And I do think it’s that form of self-control that contributes to being a better submissive as well.
Brian: Absolutely. Absolutely. I know if I can control myself and control my actions, it’ll be easier for you to control me.
Mistress Blunt: Hot. That seems like a perfect place to end this interview. Make it easier. Next time, tune in for this submissive’s 10 easy steps to make it easier for your Mistress to control you.
Want a more intimate look into my kinky relationships? Follow me on my AVN Stars or OnlyFans. Don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter, and for those who feel inspired by the above interview, reach out and submit.
One of my submissives is in a female-led relationship (FLR). He is married to his Domme and she sends him to me once a month to whip him into shape. Naturally, I thought it would be fun to interview both him and his dominant wife.
In part one, you’ll meet Pretty in Pink, the submissive cuckold. We talk about how female-led relationships can shape all of your relationships, how a professional dominatrix fits into a FLR, the benefits (and realities) of cuckolding and chastity, and more.
(Stay tuned for part two, where I’ll chat with his wife. Sign up for my free newsletter, if you don’t want to miss it.)
Mistress Blunt: Hello, I am Mistress Blunt. I use she/her pronouns and I am here with Pretty in Pink. Pretty in Pink, would you like to introduce yourself?
Pretty in Pink: I use he/him pronouns. I am Pretty in Pink and I’m a veteran submissive.
Mistress Blunt: You mean old?
Pretty in Pink: Yes. (both laugh)
Mistress Blunt: I would love it if you would talk a little bit about the process you went through when reaching out to me… what you were looking for…
Pretty in Pink: Well I’ve seen many dominatrixes over the years and I think I was dissatisfied. I can’t even remember who it was who came before you, so you totally eclipsed any predecessor.
Mistress Blunt: Oh, swoon.
Pretty in Pink: But I can’t really remember how I came across you. It must’ve been a listing somewhere. And I was just intrigued by your look and your prose. You seemed like a very intriguing and skilled dominatrix, so I checked you out. And I can’t say I ever regretted my choice.
Mistress Blunt: Not yet. There’s still time. There’s still plenty of time. I’ve been doing a lot of these interviews, which have been really fun. I think that something that’s a little bit different about you is that you are in a personal female-led relationship… a female-led marriage.
Pretty in Pink: Yes, is that not typical for your clients?
Mistress Blunt: I think more and more people have primary partners who are engaged in kink, but I would say it’s not typical. So, I’m curious about how that happened. I remember you telling me that you sort of brought her into it…
Pretty in Pink: Yeah, well, I was married for a long time. I was married… before her, I was married to someone else for quite a while. It wasn’t a miserable marriage, but it wasn’t thriving and it was not very sexual. And I had all these forbidden desires that had nowhere to go. And then of course the Internet corrupted me. Then I met my wife, and we got together after some drama about the breakup of the first marriage.
But from the start, I wanted to be clear with her that I had these tendencies. And she’s honestly very highly sexed, so the lust has never been in short supply. And she’s quite receptive.
We started gradually and got deeper and deeper, just like the relationship generally. The D/s dynamics of our relationship got more and more developed… we got into orgasm control and chastity and cuckoldry and all kinds of fun things like that. It just evolved over the course of about close to 15 years, I guess.
Mistress Blunt: Wow. And you said something about cuckolding.
Pretty in Pink: Yes.
Mistress Blunt: Was that right? Or did you forget that?
Pretty in Pink: No, I said that.
Mistress Blunt: You did say it.
Pretty in Pink: Yes.
Mistress Blunt: I love that. I love this idea of you being complicit in your own enjoyment of your suffering.
Pretty in Pink: Well yes, it more than complicit… I was really pushing it.
Mistress Blunt: And now you get to enjoy your wife going on other dates.
Pretty in Pink: Yes, well, the funny thing is that the first partner was somebody I urged on her and found exciting, but then she eventually decided she would take matters into her own hands. And I wasn’t necessarily quite as pleased with the subsequent choices. So I’ve had to adjust to not being in the driver’s seat there.
Mistress Blunt: Not in the driver’s seat, besides when you’re driving me around town.
Pretty in Pink: Right.
Mistress Blunt: That’s hilarious. I love that cuckolding was your idea. You also serve as my chauffeur in the city, sometimes even taking me to dates! I was just thinking about that before this call. Of how you would drive me to and from the airport. You once chauffeured me around with a date. You picked us up with champagne and I had given you the task of finding me chocolate-covered figs, was it?
Pretty in Pink: Yes, and I couldn’t find them, so I made them myself.
Mistress Blunt: Yes, hand-made chocolate-covered figs. And I don’t think I had any idea how much of a challenge it was for you until a year later when I heard you talking about it with someone else. (both laugh)
I want to go back for a second to you being complicit in your own erotic suffering. Truly one of my favorite things about you is that you… I always like to say, “Men just humiliate themselves for me.” It’s so lovely and so generous of you to do that service for me.
Pretty in Pink: You don’t feel upstaged by that?
Mistress Blunt: No. Never. I’m a low spoons Domme. The less I can do, the better. If you want to humiliate yourself for me, all the power to you.
I would say more and more of the people who come to see me… their partners know that they’re seeing a dominatrix and are supportive in that area, so I’m kind of curious.
Your wife is super-supportive and sends you to see me, so you’re also in a female-led relationship where your wife is supportive of you coming to see a professional dominatrix. Could you talk a little bit about that and maybe what you think both of you get out of outsourcing?
Pretty in Pink: She does get a kick out of lending me out. I think that process… the idea of that… amuses her. But I think she finds that I return in a better mood. And my ego, which as you know, is a rebellious and recalcitrant actor.
Mistress Blunt: Pesky little bastard.
Pretty in Pink: Yeah. It gets somewhat subdued. So there are lasting effects which please her. And also, she likes to see marks on me.
Mistress Blunt: Yes, we do like to mark you.
Pretty in Pink: I think the combination of the lending out, the psychological transformations—which last more than just a couple of hours sometimes—and the physical effects. I think that all appeals to her greatly.
Mistress Blunt: Could you describe some of the psychological alterations that we make in you?
Pretty in Pink: Well, there was this one instance… I remember this one session where I really got to reflect on that rebellious ego of mine and how it needed to be subdued… how I needed to focus less on what was done to and for me, and more on what I could do for her and you. And it was educational in a way that wasn’t just the lingering short-term effects of the session, but something that really made me think more seriously, reflect more seriously.
And then, being in a cage most of the time also changes the way I think and feel. I’m always aware of it.
Mistress Blunt: What kind of cage are we speaking about, my friend?
Pretty in Pink: A cuck cage for male chastity purposes. Which I’m in most of the time now. And it’s not dominant in my consciousness, but I’m always kind of semi-aware of it and if I start getting cranky and rebellious and difficult, it reminds me that I should not be doing that. Of course, I don’t always obey its commands or my own better instincts… I’m sometimes still ego-driven and cranky and difficult. Sometimes I’m still…
Mistress Blunt: A little bitch, was that what you were saying?
Pretty in Pink: A little bitch, yes. Just a touch. (both laugh)
Mistress Blunt: A sprinkle.
Pretty in Pink: Yes, a light dusting.
Mistress Blunt: And I think one thing that’s interesting, because you’ve been seeing me for a while, is that your pain tolerance is starting to change as you age.
Pretty in Pink: Yeah, it used to be quite robust. I just made the acquaintance on Twitter of the first dominatrix I ever saw. She’s still doing it, she’s in Portland now… I met her in San Francisco. And when I saw her the first time, she just whaled away on me.
Three kinds of implements. It started with a flogger and then with a single tail whip. And my back was marked for a week. And I was married… in my first marriage at the time, so I was worried, “Oh my god, I’ve got to go home with these marks.” And fortunately they cleared up the day before I was going home, but they lasted almost a week.
I just don’t think I could take it anymore. I don’t know what happened to me. I’ve heard the older you get, the less tolerant you are.
Mistress Blunt: Interesting. And I feel like sometimes postures are less sustainable, too.
Pretty in Pink: Yeah. I don’t know if you saw this video that made the rounds on Twitter the other day of a dominatrix leading her charge on a leash into a grocery store in California?
Mistress Blunt: How could I miss it?
Pretty in Pink: It was a beautiful sight. I really loved it, it was gorgeous. But as I was watching, I said, “Oh my god, his knees. His knees must really hurt.” I don’t think I could do that unless I had knee pads.
Mistress Blunt: I do have knee pads in my dungeon.
Pretty in Pink: Well, perhaps those will come to use someday. But that kind of humbling play really appeals to me. I mean, I think I’m a little jealous of it.
Mistress Blunt: Have you done public play? We haven’t done any public play… I suppose chauffeuring and you’ve kissed my boots in your car in public, so there’s some elements, but it’s very subtle.
Pretty in Pink: It was a very small audience. I’ve been whipped at clubs and parties. But again, with small audiences. But there’s something about doing that in public, like being led down on a sidewalk or…
As I say, I couldn’t crawl on my knees because of the physical limitations, but that kind of display. The marketplace, the public…
Mistress Blunt: Stop turning yourself on! Tell me, how do you think female-led relationships contribute to how you relate in general? What do you think are the benefits of female-led relationships? And just to be clear, I am also referring more broadly to D/s relationships that subvert traditional gender stereotypes.
Pretty in Pink: You know, I’d like to believe that it would make the world a better place. Well, you know, to subdue male ego and aggression to some degree would be a good thing.
I just find women so beautiful and moving and worthy of admiration. And I think I bring that from my intimate relationships to my relation to the world. I love women. Fascinating to talk to, think with, play with, be with…
Mistress Blunt: So opportunities to interact with powerful women change how you move through the world?
Pretty in Pink: It definitely does. Although, which comes first? I don’t know. To feel that way or act that way? I guess that they enforce each other.
Mistress Blunt: Have you always had these desires?
Pretty in Pink: Well, I think I told you this story, but the first time I ever felt any kind of kinky impulse was… I grew up Catholic, and it was at Catholic church in front of the stations of the cross, which are depictions of the 14 stages of Christ’s crucifixion and death, which are found in most every Catholic church.
And I was just so entranced by the crown of thorns and the whippings and the humiliation, but behind that… he was god, here to save the world. So, there is a combination of degradation and grandiosity, I guess.
That was the first time I really became aware of it. But then it kind of went into hibernation until I got to college and read The Story of O. That really got me going. And I totally identified with O, not the least bit with Sir Stephen or…
Mistress Blunt: Obviously.
Pretty in Pink: Yes. That really is what set me off on my adult pursuit. But then a few years later, I got married and it wasn’t as… I don’t want to exaggerate the badness of it, but it was not great. And it was just not at all sexual, so I felt like my sexuality went into hibernation for about 15 years.
Mistress Blunt: Right. In a not super-exciting chastity sort of way.
Pretty in Pink: Right, yes, not in a fun way. Because you know, chastity is such a…
Mistress Blunt: Fifteen years of chastity. Now, that’s a whole…
Pretty in Pink: But not very exciting… it’s more like a priestly chastity. But chastity is funny because it’s both stimulating and repressive. So it feeds one to really great heights of excitement.
Mistress Blunt: Truly. And to the sublime. I believe the sublime is something that has come up a few times for us in our sessions. Would you talk a little bit about that?
Pretty in Pink: Yes, yes, yes. Well, I used to read a lot about the sublime and one of the things that’s funny about it is the feeling of being overwhelmed. It’s not like beauty, which is more relaxed and contemplative. Sublime is kind of violent and overwhelming and threatening even.
And there’s something about this suppression of libido that stimulates it at the same time that reminds me of that feeling of just this looking at something that’s just overwhelming you. Of course, one doesn’t necessarily want to be overwhelmed literally… have a ton of rocks fall on you… but there’s that.
Mistress Blunt: To each their own.
Pretty in Pink: Not yet. But that feeling of juncture, of being overwhelmed, of really being overwhelmed by the intensity of something is the sublime. Whereas a romantic love can be very intense, but it doesn’t have that same… I don’t know, at least for me… that intense, overwhelming sensation that flirts with destruction.
Mistress Blunt: I love that phrase: “That flirts with destruction.”
Pretty in Pink: I don’t want to be destroyed, but…
Mistress Blunt: You want to be flirted with.
Pretty in Pink: Yes, kind of. It’s a domesticated kind of destruction, for sure.
Mistress Blunt: Coquettish destruction.
Pretty in Pink: It feels very real at the moment.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, and I feel like there are things that can be destroyed… I feel like it’s a very western understanding of destruction to think that it’s something that’s solely bad.
I think in the west, we very much think of destruction as a negative thing whereas in many other cultures, there’s a grander understanding that things need to be destroyed in order for something new to grow.
Pretty in Pink: Well, that is in Christianity, too. Christ’s death. And he’s in the grave for three days and is resurrected… that is redemption. So you can make the argument there’s that strand of western culture. But again, I know what you mean.
Mistress Blunt: Are you still religious?
Pretty in Pink: No, I mean, I really have a soft spot for Catholicism. I find it beautiful, but it is basically nonsense. Beautiful nonsense.
Mistress Blunt: I do think that Catholicism makes beautiful masochists, though.
Pretty in Pink: Well, I’ve noticed in my years in this world that there seems to be a disproportionate number of Jews and Catholics in the kink world. I think there’s so much guilt.
Protestants have this confidence in their own salvation… they’re just not tortured in the same way. Well, I guess there’s a fair amount of ritual in Judaism, too, so there’s ritual in both religions, too. And rules.
Mistress Blunt: And in Judaism, there’s also the ritual leather bondage of Tefillin. And I think any religion, too, with aspects of devotion or self-suffering aestheticism.
Pretty in Pink: There’s that weird Catholic practice of self-flagellation and cilice (hair shirts).
Some really hardcore Catholics, like members of this cult called Opus Dei, who actually… there are a couple on the Supreme Court now, I think. It’s a very right wing Catholic cult, and they practice this kind of mortification of the flesh. Cilice is this thing you wear around your thigh that has spikes in it.
Mistress Blunt: I have one of those!
So shortly I’ll be having the pleasure of chatting with your wife, which I’m excited for. Are there any last words you want on the record before I start chatting with her? I feel like I’ve communicated with her very casually and in passing, but never really had the chance to have a conversation.
Pretty in Pink: Yeah, you met at that gallery very briefly. Yeah. But yeah, I don’t think you’ve actually ever met. You and she and your Domme friend were going to have a date sometime.
Mistress Blunt: I know, I was so excited for that. For you to cook for us all! It will be postponed.
Pretty in Pink: If and when normal life ever resumes.
Mistress Blunt: Truly something to look forward to. Serving your wife and two other Dommes.
Pretty in Pink: Yeah, that would be great.
Mistress Blunt: Anything you want on the record before I speak to your wife? Should I tell her that you’re a good boy?
Pretty in Pink: Well, I don’t know, I can’t make such claims. I do miss you… it’s been so long.
Mistress Blunt: Truly. Well, I am excited to speak to your wife. Now go grab her for me. I want to speak to her without you here.
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Like any relationship, D/s relationships can be both rewarding and challenging. In this interview I chat with Emmy Lewis, my former submissive, about our relationship, D/s dynamics, D/s breakups, service submission, and masochism. We talk about our evolving relationship over the past five years and her current offering as a professional submissive.
Mistress Blunt: I’m Mistress Blunt. I am a New York City based pro-domme, and I’m here today with Emmy. Emmy, do you want to introduce yourself?
Emmy: Hi, I’m Emmy Lewis. I am a pro-switch in New York City.
Mistress Blunt: I know, it’s so good to see you! And I just got to see you a little while ago too. That was really sweet.
Emmy: We had a lovely walk!
Mistress Blunt: Yes. A lovely autumnal walk in the park.
Emmy: With puppies.
Mistress Blunt: Yes, all of the puppies. We can talk about puppy play later too. Because I do know you love that.
Emmy: I have this great video you filmed. We had a puppy tail plug that we tried to put it in, but we couldn’t. And so, you were just hitting my ass with the puppy tail like an impact toy!
Mistress Blunt: Was this the dissaranged puppy scene?
Emmy: That was the disarranged puppy scene.
Mistress Blunt: Oh, my God, you have to send me the video.
Emmy: I will, I will!
Mistress Blunt: Okay, so, clearly, we have a lot of history. So, maybe a good place to start would be… I’m Danielle Blunt, and this is my former submissive, Emmy Lewis. So, I would love to start by asking you how we met, and why you decided to reach out to me in the first place for a professional dominatrix session?
Emmy: So, we met in, what was it, 2015?
Mistress Blunt: I think so. Yeah. Wow.
Emmy: 2015. And I had reached out to you online. I’d known that I was kinky for a long time, but was just starting to come into having confidence to play with people. But I am a pretty excellent masochist.
Mistress Blunt: I can confirm.
Emmy: I played with a whole bunch of different people. But I kept having the experience of people telling me that they knew how to do a certain skill set, like pain play, when they absolutely didn’t. The situation would go wrong- I was playing with people who didn’t know they were doing. I had to start cutting my boundaries, and saying “I have to do lighter scenes,” and not getting the things I needed.
Mistress Blunt: You didn’t want lighter scenes– you wanted better tops?
Emmy: Yes, exactly. And I was looking at kink spaces online, and I came across a bunch of pictures of you and your website. You have this aesthetic that I really love- witchy mischievousness, elegant. And you also had lots and lots of photos with intense toys, like single tails.
Mistress Blunt: You like the single tail.
Emmy: I actually have an Audrey Ryan drawing in my apartment of you with a whip, and one of you sitting in a chair. And one of your foot on my face.
Mistress Blunt: You’re the subject of a lot of the art that I have hanging in my play space, especially those very bruised tits of yours.
Emmy: The birthday bruises.
Mistress Blunt: Birthday bruises are so important!
Emmy: They’re so important. And so, I followed links that you had, and found your website. And read your whole thing.
Mistress Blunt: Like a good girl!
Emmy: Yes, I have now learned as a pro sub it is wonderful when people read all of your stuff. (laughs)
Mistress Blunt: Take note, reader. (laughs)
Emmy: And so, I reached out to you. I filled out your submission form. I thought really hard about all my answers. I was taking it very seriously. Because I really was in desperate need of sadomasochistic release and catharsis. And we got in touch, and I met you at this little beautiful dungeon that used to exist.
Mistress Blunt: My lower-east side space. Yeah.
Emmy: It was so gorgeous, it was such a gorgeous little apartment dungeon. And then, we had a very… god I was so nervous, we had a pretty basic scene with a few implements and mostly spanking. But really hard and intensely. One of the first few times we played, you really hit my chest hard. I discovered that is a body part for me that brings up a lot of emotion.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, I know where you’re talking about. There’s a lot of emotion stored there. Especially, on you, particularly, it is a very effective body part to play with.
And I remember your initial inquiry was very thoughtful. And I feel like people who actually do thoughtfully fill out my contact form, I’m like, “Oh, we will have a good time together.” I feel like I have more queer folks coming to see me for professional domination sessions. But at the time, this was five or six years ago, I had less women seeing me for pro-Domme sessions.
I’ve also hired sex workers. And I feel like it’s something that’s not talked a lot about in queer community, and is starting to be talked about more. So, I would love if you could talk a little bit about what that was like? Reaching out to a sex worker as a woman. Was there any stigma, or shame associated with it, or did you just know what you needed?
Emmy: Part column A, part column B. There’s these two parts of me, one that’s indigant to rules. And then, another part of me that’s very afraid of embarrassing myself. I did lose a friendship at one point, after telling somebody that I was playing with a Domme. They thought it was weird and abnormal. That was hard, but I let them go. Because I thought what they were saying was bullshit. Especially when I was doing something that felt so healthy.
My relationship with you did so much brain healing, where I learned healthy coping mechanisms through kink.
Mistress Blunt: I remembered working on that with you. I love the idea that kink can be healing. Any activity can be healing, depending on what your intention is. And I don’t consider myself a healer, because I think everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves, and heal in community. I remember your inquiry, I think we worked a lot on life boundaries. Not letting…
Emmy: I used to let people walk all over me!
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, not letting a submissive tendency be taken advantage of. Will you talk a bit about that?
Emmy: Sure. So, for a long time, I have had really intense issues with anxiety and depression, which you witnessed fluctuate.
It still fluctuates. There is a lot of physical effects on my body. Tension, and breathing issues. And often, my submissive qualities coming out at detrimental times. Two things happened when we played together: physical tension was released from impact and pain, and mental tension was released through submission. Being able to relax into a submissive mindset, instead of being dragged into it. Handing over control gives you a lot of control.
Mistress Blunt: Right! And I feel like it creates a container for it. So, there’s this space for the submissive parts of your personality, which is very genuine and authentic, and we can play with them in a safer space that we worked on cultivating together. I’m sure both of us made mistakes in the creation of that space. But there’s that trust that you can figure it out. And that this is someone that you want to continue creating that space with.
Emmy: Everybody makes mistakes! (laughs)
D/s relationships and service
Mistress Blunt: So, skipping ahead a little bit, our relationship turned from one of very contained sessions into a more personal D/s relationship, where…
Emmy: Came service.
Mistress Blunt: Right. And you fucking earned that! I feel like everyone is just like, expects that like, “Oh, She’s so lucky! How do I get to do that? I’ll do one session, and then I’ll have access.” And it’s ridiculous. You were a very big part of my life, and you earned more by making yourself indispensable. And really doing the work, and working, and growing together. I would love to hear you talk about service and your relationship to it. One thing that you have said to me was that cleaning my house was like church for you!
Emmy: Oh, YES.
Mistress Blunt: And I would love to hear what made you feel that way? It sounds like you reached an altered state of consciousness through service.
Emmy: Completely! And I want to underline that service, and the progress of our relationship, was never something that was set out for.
Mistress Blunt: I was inviting you to more things, and I wanted you there.
Emmy: Yes! It often would take me by surprise sometimes. Honestly, it came from how fucking special I think you are. I think at the time we were beginning to deal with SESTA-FOSTA, and I got to see what an incredible activist you are, and how fucking brilliant you are. I saw you command rooms when I would go to events with you, I would read what you wrote. And god, I love your art!
Mistress Blunt: You’re going to make me cry now.
Mistress Blunt: I’m not even a crier.
Emmy: Good. I’m glad.
Mistress Blunt: See, she is a switch.
Emmy: There were so many things that just made me want to support you. And so, when you asked me to do things to help you, I was eager to. There was a few big tasks that really established our service dynamic. (laughs) One was bringing salmon uptown during a marathon!
Mistress Blunt: Our ongoing joke is that she’s allergic to fish. I have so many food allergies of my own. I would ask if she wanted to try something I cooked, forgetting her allergy, and she’s like, “Is this the time I die? Is this the time you choose for me to go?” and I would reply, “That’s so romantic, but go find something else to do.”
Emmy: That was fun. That was delightful.
So service in a D/s relationship… I do have this innate thing as a submissive of really enjoying being a support, or a pillar in somebody’s success and wellbeing. It’s both sexy and personally fulfilling. Whenever I was serving, especially cleaning and taking care of your space, I could fall into a meditative state, very similar to yoga. I would go through a flow in your house.
Mistress Blunt: I will say I would love to come back and see you napping. I’d come back, and you weren’t allowed on the bed or the furniture. So, you’d be curled up on the sheep skin like a little angel. I was just like, “My little heart.”
Emmy: I would just pass out after cleaning!
Mistress Blunt: You needed it! You did what you need to do.
Emmy: But sometimes service would leave me, (and will leave you, dear reader), in a really energized state, like you just went for a good run.
Mistress Blunt: And you are an incredible masseuse! I like to joke that you got radicalized by massage YouTube.
Emmy: It’s true.
Mistress Blunt: You’re a phenomenal masseuse.
Emmy: Thank you.
Mistress Blunt: And it’s something that when people ask me now like, “Oh, what can I do to be a useful or better submissive?” And literally, just learn how to give a good fucking massage, and you will be the most sought-after service sub.
Emmy: I have sent so many Domme friends of mine lists of good videos for their submissive to watch.
Mistress Blunt: Massage and Bootblacking are two really beautiful and useful skills, especially, if you’re in community, and you’re going to be in community spaces. It gives you something to do at a party if you feel awkward. Or it gives you something to offer someone if you’re interested in low stakes, facilitating play, or you want to talk about it first. And it’s really lovely, if someone’s interested.
Emmy: It’s a good party trick.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, in summary, it’s a good party trick! But so many people don’t know, newbies don’t know what to do with themselves when going into new kink spaces. And I feel like having something that you can actually offer someone, something that’s for them, rather than necessarily your own personal desire, is really amazing. It’s beautiful.
Emmy: It was wonderful to be able to offer that to you and your friends. I met so many people being a service offered at your parties.
Mistress Blunt: I’m a good hostess.
Emmy: I would just go around giving massages around the playroom.
Mistress Blunt: You were coveted.
Emmy: It’s an extremely useful skill, I would recommend every submissive. Learn how to massage! Also, learn how to cook a really good basic breakfast. Perfect your egg technique. You don’t want to give your Domme a few accidentally overcooked eggs.
Crying in BDSM Scenes
Mistress Blunt: So, I would love to talk about crying.
Emmy: If you don’t mind me having a little cry.
Mistress Blunt: I know, well, we both know you’re a crier.
Emmy: I know.
Mistress Blunt: You can cry over this. It’s one thing I love about you.
Emmy: It drives me insane.
Mistress Blunt: Really? It’s so beautiful though.
Emmy: I feel like it’s too easy for me to cry.
Mistress Blunt: We’ve actually had lots of conversations about crying.
Emmy: Yes. Lots of conversations.
Mistress Blunt: Lots of conversations about crying, where we had to have a conversation because you do cry so freely. Let’s do it in a positive framing. When we were having intense conversations, it was at first, hard for me to not be influenced by that in a way that I don’t think you needed it to. And I think we came to an understanding of this is just what your body does.
Emmy: Yeah. Which is why it drives me insane, that it’s such a quick stressor response for me.
Mistress Blunt: And I feel like that communication around that, I’m just using the crying as an example. But I feel like for me, having you explain that, this just comes quicker. I feel like for some people, crying is cathartic. And for some people, crying can be something different, like this is too much, it needs to stop.
And I feel like for you, it’s on the opposite side of that. This might just happen. And we can keep going. And I learned to trust you that you would let me know when it was outside of your threshold of tolerability.
Emmy: But sometimes it’s very stressful to have lack of control over the emotions on your face. I feel like I have a face where a lot people can really easily read what I’m thinking, or what I’m feeling.
Mistress Blunt: But that’s also such a benefit, in some ways, especially as a professional submissive. You’re pretty easy to read and so expressive! You’re super emotive, and expressive, and I feel like incredibly good at stating your boundaries, and knowing what they are. And I feel like some of the verbalization that we did around communicating, and figuring out that was helpful for me, too. I learned a lot from that process of having those conversations within a D/s relationship.
What skills can be learned in a D/s relationship?
Mistress Blunt: (laughs) I’m curious, what do you think about having been mine, and training with me, and the evolution of our relationship in both personal play, and your professional switch life? What do you think you learned, tangible things that you think, or just things that you’re good at? Where are you at now?
Emmy: Oh, I acquired so many skill sets, especially with learning how to communicate in scenes. Not thinking somebody might guess, but actively using my safe words. I have no issues using my goddamn safe words.
Mistress Blunt: That’s a good skill! I feel like there are so many classes on topping skills for dominants and not enough for submissives. You should teach a class. You are a very good submissive, and part of that is because you feel comfortable saying your safe word. And I know when you’ve played with me, and it goes beyond safe words. You’re just a good communicator. Sometimes you’re just like, “Oh, mercy on this,” and we’d take off the nipple clamp, and then just can continue for another two hours. And I think that that type of communication, and being able to receive it, doesn’t necessarily mean that the scene stops, unless it needs to. And I feel like you can communicate really well in both of those ways, which makes playing with you really fun.
Emmy: One of the most important things as a submissive is being comfortable with your safe word! I think mercy, or yellow, or words of that kind, are way underutilized.
Mistress Blunt: I totally agree. How would you explain to someone how you use “mercy” as safe word?
Emmy: My saying mercy means either things are getting too intense and the top needs to slow down, or that I have reached my pain threshold. Slow down, switch it up, check in.
Mistress Blunt: I feel like the place that I trained was like, I’m doing air quotes, “we don’t use safe words.” But they used mercy like people use Red/Yellow/Green. There was communication.
That’s just something that makes sense to me. I also very rarely do consensual non-consent scenes. So, mercy, to me, is very much the word I use to check in during a scene. But of course, I am going to stop if someone says “red”. To me there is a huge difference between “Oh, Mistress, please show mercy on my nipples,” where I’m going to go take the nipple clamps off and check in to see if we want to continue the scene.
Versus someone screaming, “MERCY” means I’m going to stop immediately and check in on them, and see what’s going on. And see if this scene needs to stop, or if maybe, their skin pinched between rope, and they shot out of subspace. Or if they’re just like, “Fuck this, I can’t do it anymore. I’m totally out of it.” And I’m like, “Great. Let’s take that off. What do you need?”
Emmy: People often don’t realize is that our bodies and minds change every day. What you can take and what you want can change every day. One day, I could take a huge, bruisy, hard beating. And then, another day, a light flogging, and nipple clamps.
Mistress Blunt: And I think your emotional state can often dictate what you want or need from a scene. I’m thinking of the scene that we did after you had someone in a different professional life say something really horrible to you. Do you want to talk a little bit about that? Because that felt very intense and psychological.
Emmy: This is the one where you wrote on me, right?
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, that was the one.
Emmy: Yeah, we have beautiful pictures. So I work in a variety of different performing arts, several different mediums. And a good amount of time is spent with yourhair, makeup, and body being scrutinized. And I have a gorgeous curvy figure, which when we first met, I had very negative feelings towards. And a lot of that would be exacerbated by work. That particular day, I had an experience where somebody who I was working with said something really just mean and condescending about my body, and about my curviness.
I felt collapsed. Crushed, and then we were going to play that evening. And obviously, I’ve always very naked.
Mistress Blunt: Your uniform. Your uniform was mascara, pigtails with red bows, your collar, and nothing else.
Emmy: It evolved over time! It started because I realized after we played the first few times, that my hair was getting in the fucking way. And so, I came to you once with a ponytail, and you’re like, “Oh, I like that ponytail.”
Mistress Blunt: I was like, “I was going to string you up by that!”
Emmy: Yup. And then, the next time, it was two ponytails.
Mistress Blunt: And I was like, “I’m going to string you up by both.” (laughs)
Emmy: And then, I would always bring you red ribbons. And so we ended up putting them in my hair.
Can you tell I don’t take ADHD medication anymore?
Mistress Blunt: Me neither.
Emmy: So that day, I came in, and undressed, but I think you could see very clearly that I wasn’t feeling well….
Mistress Blunt: I think you said something to me. You did a good job communicating, and you’re like, “I am excited to play. I just want you to know that this just happened.” Or I asked you what was going on.
Emmy: I might have been tearing up a bit as I’m known to do.
Mistress Blunt: This post is going to be called Emmy the crier.
Emmy: Oh, God! Oh, no.
Mistress Blunt: It’s a selling point!
Emmy: But people will try so hard to make me cry. They’ll know my secret! They’ll know my dark secret…
So anyways, this scene. You took lipstick, I think. I was pointing out all the parts in my body that I was angry at, because of this fucking woman. And first you gave me an over the knee spanking. It allowed me to hide for a little bit, stuff my face in pillows, and just…
Well, just let us both be. And we stayed there for 40 minutes. And then, you took my lipstick and wrote numbers all over my body. And then, wrote “Mistress loves them all” in the middle.
Conflict in D/s Relationships
Mistress Blunt: I love that scene. And I love the photos from that scene. They’re so sweet.
I feel like we’re talking about all of the really good and transformative parts of our relationship. But I also want to be realistic and share a realistic portrait, that there’s points of conflict, and parts that have been difficult. And I wonder if you’d be interested in reflecting on any of that . I’m also thinking of when I released you from service and we decided to transition out of the D/s aspects of our relationship. It was a very challenging thing. And for me, I love you, you’re part of my leather family, and I will always know you. But it felt like I saw you not getting some of the things that you needed. And I felt that your desire to be good, and to serve might prolong something where you weren’t getting your needs met.
Emmy: Yeah, I think we reached a point in our lives where we both had so much going on, where our relationship became more and more difficult to maintain. I would get very stressed about not having the time to get everything that I wanted done done. And at the same time, because this is how life goes, you were experiencing a shit ton of stress in your life and your work.
A good thing for subs to think about when they’re in a D/s relationship, is the fact that sometimes your Dom will have a multitude of interpersonal relationships that they have to pay attention to all the time, especially if they’re a professional. So many relationships, so many people’s emotions to juggle.
And we reached the point where I was so stressed about not being good enough. And you felt so stressed about not being able to provide the space, and the reassurance, and the time to play.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah.
Emmy: Does that sound right?
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. I think that’s a very astute and concise summary of it was it felt like. That I no longer had the ability to provide you with what you needed, and that your desire to be good made you overlook that to some extent. And I felt it didn’t feel fair to me to reap the benefits of your beautiful, devoted service, when I knew some of your needs weren’t being met, and when I knew how many beautiful experiences would be coming to you in the very near future if that space were opened.
Emmy: It was like a graduation!
Mistress Blunt: I like that!
Emmy: At first it was a hard-few weeks of withdrawal from service and our D/s dynamic.
Service was this grounding thing for me, and your apartment was where I spent a lot of my time. And so we took a break from each other, where I mentally reestablished my grounding, of what my day-to-day was going to look like.
Transferring that meditative quality of cleaning your apartment before you came home from a session, and then massaging your feet until you fell asleep, into other outlets. Playing with new people, or having really fun pro-sessions, or tidying up my own place, or writing.
It was a time of graduation and transition. And we had this amazing day a month later, where you gifted me these leather boots that are very, very, very special to me.
Mistress Blunt: I love gifted leather.
Emmy: That felt like a diploma, kind of.
Mistress Blunt: I’m imagining you walking across a stage, in nothing but the leather, and getting a certificate…
Emmy: It was a time to reflect on all of the things that I’d learned, and I think you learned. I was really proud. I am really proud of all the things that we accomplished together.
Mistress Blunt: I feel like D/s relationships, and breakups aren’t spoken about enough.
Emmy: No, you’re right. A D/s relationship breakup, it’s different.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, it’s very different. I definitely tried to still maintain my boundaries while being cognizant of what a shift no longer serving me would be for you. And try to be supportive of you finding new things to get your needs met with.
Emmy: And we had slips and falls. I was really afraid of losing relationships that I had built, of mutual friendships. But that didn’t end up happening, because our friends are amazing.
Mistress Blunt: Right. First of all, no one is perfect. Everyone fucks up. And breakups within a community can be brutal.
Emmy: We’ve seen that!
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, and I’m like, “Emmy is amazing. Everyone should know Emmy.” And I think it feels important to talk about some of the pitfalls and hiccups that we got into. I feel really blessed that we are both good communicators, and able to take space when we need it, and come back together in a way that feels really healthy and beautiful. I’m really grateful for that. And I feel I have seen you grow so much in the last year. And I’m so excited that you’re offering pro submissive sessions, because anyone who plays with you is super fucking lucky.
Emmy: They really are.
Mistress Blunt: I fucking love powerful submissives. I don’t want to dominate someone who’s not my equal. And I feel that strength that you have makes you a really fucking good bottom. People, if you ever get the chance to play with someone I’ve trained…
Emmy: You’re so sweet. Submissives should want that in a dominant, the dominant should see you as an equal. It’s not that power exchange relationship dynamics are make believe, or play acting. You’re not pretending, or putting on a role. But I, personally, don’t think it should be the case of giving away your power, as much as gifting it.
Mistress Blunt: I don’t want to take anything from someone, which is a reason I very rarely do consensual non-consent play. I’m like, “Oh, that’s interesting. I’ll just sit here and wait until you’re ready to admit that that’s what you want, and give it to me.”
Emmy: You’re very good at that.
Photography in D/s Relationships
Mistress Blunt: We took a lot of pictures together. I would love to hear you talk about that. Because I came up in kink taking photos. So, for me, it was really fun to be able to do that and that you were excited about me photographing you! I feel like it was fun and sexy for me to create an artifact, but I feel it had a very different meaning to you.
Emmy: I love being photographed by you. To me, it is somewhat similar to being marked.
Mistress Blunt: A photograph is a mark.
Mistress Blunt: And a history. I love that relating it to marks. It’s like a memory. I feel it helps with integration somatically, what you learned while you’re playing with a dominatrix. You’re literally wearing something that is on your body, or you have a photograph that reminds you that this is a thing that happened, that I did, that I’m so strong, and look at this photo. Look at this mark. I’m so proud.
And so many people, so many queer people, tell me that seeing photos of me playing with you, made them reach out to me, or if they didn’t see me for a professional session, were very integral to then being like, “Oh, that’s something that I can do too.”
Emmy: We became a presence online.
Mistress Blunt: A power couple.
And just sharing, I felt like it was fun for me to share that. I feel like that type of power in a submissive woman should be highlighted, and celebrated, and a joyful thing. It’s not seen so much. And I feel we had fun with sharing that part, and the feedback that we were receiving about it was fun too!
Emmy: Submission makes you feel strong.
Mistress Blunt: I feel so privileged to be able to have this conversation with you. And that we’ve both been able to have so many different evolutions of our relationship. And it feels like something that’s both very queer, and very deep in leather history, to be able to have these different permutations of relationships that don’t just end when things change. But you can just have love and care for what was and what could come.
Emmy: Think of all we could do if we all allow our relationships, including our vanilla relationships, to evolve.
Mistress Blunt: And evolution is so natural. Literally, there’re so many different ways to be in relation to others. D/s relationships are one way. And even within that, there are so many different ways to embody, to play with power, and be with each other.
Mistress Blunt: I love you!
Emmy: I love you too!
Interested in staying in touch with Emmy? You can follow her here.
Want a more intimate look into my personal relationships? Follow me on my AVN Stars or OnlyFans. Don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter and for those who feel inspired by the above interview, reach out.
I gave my submissive the task of writing down every single thing they thought about while they weren’t allowed to cum. Orgasm denial and edging can be really challenging for some submissives, especially when you have to keep a written log of every thought you definitely shouldn’t be having.
(Content Warning: Very hot content ahead, some of it including bloodplay and physically unrealistic fantasies. Not all fantasies need to be realized to be hot.)
If you want to obey Mistress’s chastity order in a total power exchange (TPE) D/s relationship, you definitely won’t want to think about:
1. Red nails on black leather boots. 2. Holding her hand in Ryan Phillippe’s Cruel Intentions car. 3. Her drowning you in a clawfoot bathtub in a well-lit boutique hotel. 4. Watching her fuck someone else and being a good cuckold. 5. Forced-bi and sucking someone’s dick for her while she watches. 6. Her putting her cigarette out on you. 7. The way she says, “Say thank you.” after she hurts you. Or takes your money. 8. The way she says, “No.” 9. Her creating a new hole in your thigh. 10. Her fucking the new hole in your thigh. 11. Her letting the new hole in your thigh heal a little, then fucking it again. 12. Humping her leg while you beg to cum. 13. Humping her leg while you beg to cum, in front of her friends. 14. Cumming from humping her foot. 15. Cumming from going down on her. 16. How good her butt looks when she bends over. 17. Watching Selling Sunset at her feet. 18. Her spitting in your mouth when you think she’s going to let you kiss her. 19. Her running a knife along your throat. 20. Her murdering you in an Austin motel, and collecting the life insurance money. 21. Her saying, “Unfortunately, I don’t fuck losers.” 22. Her waterboarding you in a basement in a remote location. 23. Her carving the little lines from a voice memo of her saying “no” into your back. 24. Into your leg. 25. Into your arm. 26. Her carving “live, laugh, lake” into you and turning it into a wholesome postcard to send to friends. 27. Her hitting you with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. 28. Her reading a book while she ignores you going down on her. 29. Begging her for an allowance because all of your money goes directly into her account. 30. Only having permission to cum from humping a pillow. 31. Her leg. 32. Her foot. 33. Having to pay to fuck anyone else while she fucks whoever she wants. 34. Her with an ice pick, à la Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. 35. Her in a leather jacket. 36. Her in a leather jacket on the back of a motorcycle. 37. Her in a leather jacket dragging you from the back of a motorcycle. 38. Signing a legally binding contract that entitles her to all of your current assets and future earnings. 39. Attempting to send her $10K, hitting your daily limit, and being denied an orgasm until you fix it. 40. Sending her $5K. 41. Sending her another $5K a few days later. 42. Buying her a house and then watching her fuck the contractor in said house. 43. Cleaning her house. 44. Her cuckolding you by sending you pictures of someone else cleaning her house. 45. Her in Louboutins. 46. Her laying on a $7,000 leather daybed. 47. Massaging her feet. 48. Butt. 49. Back. 50. Shoulders. 51. Legs. 52. Her whispering, “Are you scared?” in your ear. 53. The way her lips curl up in the 5 seconds before she releases your throat and lets you breathe. 54. Her using your mouth as an ashtray. 55. Her making you beg to drink her piss from a glass. 56. Your blood on the roses you bought her. 57. Your blood on her fingers. 58. Your blood on her fingers, dripping into your mouth. 59. Her whip marks on your butt. 60. Her bite marks on your arm. 61. New bruises on old bruises. 62. New scars on old scars. 63. Her wearing your clothes. 64. Doing admin work for her while she eats chicky nuggies and tater tots, and watches Love Island. 65. Begging her to use the cattle prod on you. 66. Her putting a shock collar on you to teach you domestic service precision. 67. Her leaving you chained to the floor in a cabin in the woods with only a bowl of water, for an unknown period of time. 68. Her using you as a pool floatie (face down). 69. Her reflection in the $3,000 Roadrunner mirror. 70. Her boobs. That’s it. That’s number 70. 71. Her wearing a very gay Saint Laurent silk-lined leather vest and nothing else. 72. Buying her and all her friends matching cashmere onesies. 73. Her making you cry from choking on her dick. 74. Her rubbing the mascara from your tears all over your face. 75. Her making you cry from whipping you. 76. Her making you cry from caning you. 77. The softness in her voice when she says, “Come back.” after you flinch away from her whip. 78. Only being allowed to taste her when it’s to clean up after she fucks someone else. 79. How pathetic it is to beg to pay her $500 to be allowed to cum… and still get denied. 80. Her drowning you in the lake. 81. Her saying, “Don’t beg me for more breath, thank me for letting you breathe at all.”, while drowning you in the lake. 82. Her kicking your pussy repeatedly and making you lick the top of her boots clean. 83. Her making the little dog behavior correcting noise when you break eye contact at dinner. 84. Her putting a dildo gag and a strap-on on you, and using you however she wants. 85. Her asphyxiating you with the apple picking bag on your romantic fall date. 86. Her taking all of your clothes and throwing snowballs at you on your romantic winter date. 87. The smile in her voice and when she says, “Why don’t you get on your knees and tell me?” 88. Working all day to make her money, then opening your to do list to spend the entire night working to help grow her empire. 89. Her throwing a drink at you at a bar or restaurant. (And then you cleaning it up because you’re both morally opposed to being inconsiderate to servers.) 90. Her making you ask someone at a bar if they want to take her home and fuck her. 91. Her speaking German. 92. Her speaking Spanish. 93. Her speaking Hebrew. 94. Her winning a huge award for how smart, successful, and community-focused she is. 95. Her cutting expensive steak she grilled for you. 96. Her telling you to suck her friend’s foot after her friend fucked someone else with it. 97. Her carving her name into you… repeatedly. 98. Her depriving you of sleep and mindfucking/ (consensually) gaslighting you… repeatedly. 99. Her saying, “Good girl.” after you have, in fact, worked very hard to be a good girl. 100. Her.
Feeling inspired to write a list of your own for me? If you want to serve me more seriously, come prove your devotion on my AVN Stars or OnlyFans. I’ll give you plenty to not think about.
I had the pleasure of interviewing my financial submissive this week. As a lot of you know, many of my most devoted submissives are not men, so leave it to a woman to blow the rest of my financial submissives out of the water when it comes to generosity, sustainability, and wit. Perhaps those of you interested in financial domination (findom) and total power exchange (TPE) in D/s relationships could learn a thing or two from her.
Mistress Blunt: Are you nervous?
Mistress Blunt: Are you frequently nervous?
Mistress Blunt: Excellent. Let’s begin. Why don’t you introduce yourself?
X: Hi, my name’s X. I’m a finsub.
Mistress Blunt: You’re Canada’s most eligible finsub.
X: Canada’s most eligible, yes. Potentially North America’s, TBD.
Mistress Blunt: Oh, yes. And we did just calculate your earning potential.
X: Yes. Conservatively.
Mistress Blunt: A conservative analysis.
X: Mm-hmm (affirmative). I have big ambitions. It was around 17% growth per year.
Mistress Blunt: 17.9% growth per year. While the average exceptional employee was 3.6%, 4.6%?
X: 4.6%. You really studied.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, you send me a business document, I read it and analyze the data. Anyway… I’ll introduce myself. My name is Mistress Blunt, and I love taking your money. Do you want to introduce yourself properly, my little asset?
X: My name is X and I love giving you my money.
Mistress Blunt: Oh my God, we have so much in common.
X: So compatible.
Mistress Blunt: So compatible, truly. Okay, so I want to begin by asking you a little bit about your interest in financial domination and how it relates to total power exchange, and how you realized that this was something you wanted to explore.
X: I see financial domination as an extension of power exchange. There’s nothing super compelling about money in particular for me. I just think that money is the most widely agreed upon form of power… the most tangible form of power, and I like to give it away.
Mistress Blunt: It’s crazy that Canadian money has less power.
X: So crazy.
Mistress Blunt: So sad for you. I’m sure I’m saying this right before a major economic collapse. I’ll live to eat those words. Okay, so I think that that’s really interesting because for you it’s less about the eroticization of a financial transaction and more so about the giving away of power, and money is one of those avenues.
X: There’s also the other side of it. The devotional aspect of D/s is very important to me. I’m interested in not only how I’m giving away my power through findom, but also how I’m then giving you more power. Not just within our relationship, but in the world.
Mistress Blunt: Hmm, tell me more about that. Because I think a lot of the service that you do for me would be considered financial service as well. There are other things that you do for me that increase my ability to make money on my own outside of you, which is something else that I think is really interesting. It’s something I haven’t necessarily experienced as explicitly with men, who often hold onto the financial exchange as a way to control rather than to relinquish control. So I would be interested if you would talk a little bit about that. Content creating… website development… why don’t you talk about that?
X: Oh, well, I mostly see that as just my most valuable skills and abilities. Definitely not going to be helping you fix things. I feel like a lot of my skills just happen to be related to capitalism and monetization.
Mistress Blunt: You are good at making me my money.
X: Yeah, I am good at making you your money. So I don’t usually think about that in a findom way. I usually think of that just as, “This is my most valuable service to improve her life.” Especially at times when I’m not physically in New York.
Mistress Blunt: Right. But also it is in some ways, a way of making me more money.
X: Yeah, for sure.
Mistress Blunt: Which you like.
X: Of course. I think that money gives you options. And I think that whoever has the most options usually has the most power. So that’s another layer on top of how money is power for me.
Mistress Blunt: And do you not want options or power?
X: In most areas of my life, yes. I very much do love power, but not in this area, specifically.
Mistress Blunt: So, can you talk a little bit about that relationship or about it not being part of everyday life or all dynamics? Don’t mind me getting naked and putting on my cashmere onesie that you bought.
X: It’s weird because I don’t really know what my natural relationship to power would be like if it weren’t skewed by my career. I learned very quickly that if you’re submissive, especially if you’re a submissive woman, you’re not going to get very far in business. So I’ve had to teach myself a lot of qualities that are more dominant-leaning in order to do well in my career.
Mistress Blunt: And you started working pretty young, too.
X: So I especially value relationships in my life, whether they’re explicitly D/s or not, where I don’t have to be the more dominant or in control person. I find that I usually end up in that role in a lot of my relationships, both at work and outside of it.
Mistress Blunt: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. That’s why you’re good at making money. Although I was helping you practice negotiating for a raise.
X: Yeah, well I did that for the first time last year and it was terrifying. I went to coaching to teach myself how to do it.
Mistress Blunt: Are you good at it now?
X: Not particularly, but I did do it at least one time.
Mistress Blunt: Are you going to be better at it for me?
X: Yes Mistress.
Mistress Blunt: That’s exciting. So tell me a little bit about your relationship with money, because you’ve told me before that financial domination wasn’t always a part of your kink.
X: Yeah, I grew up without a lot of money. So I have always been aware of the ways that money is beneficial, and how it is a form of power and control. It was just always in the back of my mind that that’s the way the world works, for better or worse. When I started making more money, I started thinking about ways that I could expand D/s relationships and power exchange. Then I was like, “Oh, well, what about money? That could be fun.”
Mistress Blunt: Hot. And what does it feel like when you send me $5K?
X: Very hot.
Mistress Blunt: What does it feel like when your bank says that it’s fraud and then the transaction is canceled, and then you’re not allowed to cum?
X: Very, very hot. It’s just layering on different types of hot.
Mistress Blunt: Orgasm denied by your bank.
X: Mm-hmm (affirmative), yeah. It’s exciting for me because while I like the findom aspects of it… I think a lot of things that I’m interested in, like masochism… For example, I like pain, but I also like knowing that I was able to take the pain. That I could have taken it for longer. Or that I could have done more. I like progressively getting better at it… the challenge and self-improvement is important to me. I feel similarly with findom. Sending you larger amounts is a confirmation of, “Oh, look how much money I made. Look how good I am at making money. This is an accomplishment for me.”
Mistress Blunt: It’s being a good asset.
Mistress Blunt: You want to be a good asset for me? A good investment. You are beet red.
X: I hate talking about myself.
Mistress Blunt: Do you want to ask me any questions, X? We’ve just been spending all of this time talking about you. It’s so rude of you not to even think to ask me a question.
X: Oh my gosh. What do you like about financial domination?
Mistress Blunt: Money has also always been really interesting to me. I grew up in a family with some money, but first-generation money who was super anxious about spending it. So there were no luxury or enjoyment purchases in my family growing up. I had to learn how to luxuriate, which I’ve gotten very good at. I think I would say it’s higher than a 17.9% increase every year. So you better keep getting better. Keep up. Yeah, I was told, “You don’t spend money on this. You don’t spend money on that.”
And just made to feel like financial security was not a thing. So for me, financial domination is about being given that stability. It a) is hot and b) clears up mental space for me to make more space for erotics. If I’m not thinking about how I’m going to pay my rent, I’m much more likely to focus on erotic and sexual things of my own pleasure or indulge in my own hedonism. And I think it’s a matter of moving into an abundance mindset. And so we can spoil Frankie.
X: Which is the most important part.
Mistress Blunt: It is, truly. All right, so you’re my first woman finsub.
X: The best, you might say.
Mistress Blunt: Yes, very small sample size, so don’t toot your own horn so hard. I’ve also never done lesbian financial domination before.
Mistress Blunt: Your hair looks fine, I did it, it’s fine. Stop touching it before I shave it off. I’m going to put a bounty on your hair, and you’re going to pay it. To keep it.
Mistress Blunt: So, in my early and mid twenties, I fused yoga with my BDSM practice. From there, there wasn’t a lot of space for my dominant persona to market as a financial dominatrix because a lot of what you see with financial domination is the homewrecker, the life ruiner, the hotter than your wife… Also just karmically, not something that I’m interested in. I mean, people are entitled to making their own choices, but I’m not going to push people to do that. But that was a lot of what I saw, so I took the route of framing it as a devotional act, right?
You go to a church, you tithe, you lay money at the feet of the goddess. There are many different spiritual paths of surrender through financial control. Many of which are also abused. So a lot of the experiences I had with financial domination were less about sustainable relationships and more about men who eroticized the act of sending until they couldn’t send anymore. Then they get scared and they run away like a little bitch.
So I’ve enjoyed this. I’ve had other somewhat sustainable financial domination arrangements, but there was still much more of the eroticization of sending rather than the explicit connection between total power exchange.
X: That makes sense. I think a big reason why I didn’t really consider findom earlier was… well, not having as much money. But I could have sent smaller amounts. It was really because when I saw it on the Internet, it was a lot of that ruin my life narrative you mentioned. Very cold, cruel, detached, domination styles. That was unappealing to me. Not that I don’t enjoy when you’re cruel to me. I just don’t see myself in the people who are very public about their financial submission online.
Mistress Blunt: Why did you connect with me about that?
X: Why did I reach out to you? I reached out to you because it was a pandemic, and I was trying to be aware of people working outside formal labor, especially. I felt like I was mooching on a lot of people’s free content all over the Internet, you know? And I thought, “Oh, maybe this is a good time to stop being such a mooch.” I paid an astrologer, you, a fitness person… I don’t know, a few different people.
Mistress Blunt: But then it evolved. I remember our first conversation ending with me asking if you were raised Catholic. The first conversation, you did not mention your interest in financial domination at all. In a followup email, you said, “Oh, also, I would like to buy you this very expensive thing,” and I was like, “Oh, okay.” And I was like, “This will be the start of a beautiful friendship.”
And then we started talking about your interest in financial domination, and it was nearing the end of when I had to go, and I was like, “Oh, were you raised Catholic?” And I totally clocked you. Do you think that plays in at all? Is there a relationship? What relationship do guilt and shame play, if any?
X: I don’t know. I know that guilt and shame are very connected to Catholicism. I don’t have a strong relationship to shame and I’m not generally ashamed of myself or the things that I’m interested in, but I do think that I experience guilt quite often. That is more from being raised in a caretaker role, though.
Mistress Blunt: Early adultification?
X: Yes, exactly. So I feel guilt related to frivolous spending, or not doing the responsible thing, or not working or otherwise being productive.
Mistress Blunt: Hmm. When I asked it, I was trying to figure out if your relationship to findom was not deserving having money.
X: Hmm. I don’t think so. I mean… I’ve worked really hard. I think I deserve what I have.
Mistress Blunt: And you deserve to give it away.
X: Yeah, exactly.
Mistress Blunt: And so, what day is it?
X: The 20th.
Mistress Blunt: We are three days away from speaking to a lawyer about a legally binding financial domination contract. How does that make you feel, X?
X: Very excited. I don’t know why it’s so exciting. Contracts in general are very hot to me. I think because I’m very interested in the devotional aspects of D/s. Whether it were legally binding or not, it would be meaningful for me. Plus, I like that it’s written out.
Mistress Blunt: Hot. Maybe we can publish the contract for prime SEO. And you’re also excited to have an allowance. Your salary is going to go into my account and you’re going to get an allowance for the minimum amount of what you need to live… and then a small stipend to spoil me.
X: Which is important.
Mistress Blunt: I’d never take that away from you, because I am so generous.
X: Thank you. I’m excited because for me, it further enforces the control. Currently, I still have to send it to you, you know? I could technically just one day be like, “Sorry, no more for you.” I would much rather it be like, “I’m giving you money.” I’m being you. I’m being you giving me an allowance.
Mistress Blunt: Are you pretending to be me?
X: I’m trying to channel you, but it didn’t come out well at all. So…
Mistress Blunt: I did make you send me a voice memo pretending to be me, which was hilarious.
X: I think the voice memo was good, the pauses? I nailed it.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, you did good. You can run my NiteFlirt line now. Make me more money. So you like that there’s an element of it being difficult to back up from? Is there a fear there?
X: When you were talking about how you’ve seen people try to retain some of the power through sending you money? I don’t like that. I like that if the money goes directly to you, that potential to retain some power doesn’t exist anymore.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. There’s the saying, which I see in so many findom clips, which is hot, “It’s not your money, it’s already mine.” Which in this case, it legally will be. Hot.
X: Yeah, so it’s not so much about not being able to get out of it. Also, my impression of financial domination was that it would be hard to find someone I’m compatible with. You know? Based purely on the way that I see it play out on the Internet, usually. I was looking for a responsible, sustainable findom relationship. I also think it’s nice and wholesome. You have the money and you’re being nice to me by giving me enough money to live. Wait, that’s also very hot.
Mistress Blunt: I sustain your life.
X: Mm-hmm (affirmative), which is also super hot.
Mistress Blunt: Like a mother.
Mistress Blunt: Sorry, I’m slowly trying to implant a mommy fetish into this increasingly blushing submissive. It doesn’t need to work. It’s just fun for me to try.
X: It works sometimes.
Mistress Blunt: That one didn’t work.
X: No. No, that one didn’t work.
Mistress Blunt: Tell me a little bit about your five year plan. You made me a deck.
X: I outlined why I think I’m a good investment based on my previous earnings and then projected my future earnings as well. I compared that to a benchmark in the industry… how much people usually make. I didn’t break it down by age, which I feel like I should have done to emphasize the real potential of your investment. If you compared average earning income to age and put that on a chart, I’d be doing really well. In retrospect… sorry, I’m just critiquing myself now.
Mistress Blunt: You could always be better, is what you’re saying.
X: I could always be better.
Then I put what you are going to get out of it and what I’m going to get out of it, and how to make it happen.
Mistress Blunt: What about the part of the five year plan where you buy me property and then pay me rent? You forgot that. That part’s hot.
X: That’s a very good part, yeah. It’s great because mortgages are good for your credit. Paying you rent is a very good financial decision for us because currently, a lot of my money goes towards rent. It’s a huge part of my fixed expenses. Really the only part. Then I can pretty much give the rest to you. So in this plan, it can practically all go to you through paying off an asset that you own.
Mistress Blunt: That’s so nice.
X: Yeah. So then it’s exciting because I get to give you more money.
Mistress Blunt: Yeah, and then I’ll build you that little pink shack from But I’m a Cheerleader.
Mistress Blunt: When you’re a good girl, you can do ollie’s off the roof.
Mistress Blunt: So there’s something that differentiates my style of financial domination, something that was outside of the traditional homewrecker fantasy, blackmail fantasy, financial ruination? It became more about ceding control of your assets and letting someone else make decisions for you as a form of financial domination.
X: Exactly. That’s another appealing part. I love not having to think about it. If all my money is going to you, then I’m like, “Well, she’ll just decide the best way to spend it and I’m good to go.” I don’t need to think about it. I just get my allowance and move on. I think the trust is also very nice.
Mistress Blunt: So smart. You’re going to be so turned on when you get your allowance and your credit card bills.
X: Also so hot and very excited.
Mistress Blunt: For you to get a credit card in my name. Hot.
X: Yeah, in a joint bank account so that my paychecks can go in there.
Mistress Blunt: And then I’ll change a password, so you can’t access it.
X: Perfect plan.
Mistress Blunt: You’re also excited for me to use my money… that I take from your paycheck… that goes into my account… to go on dates with other people. So there’s also an element of cuckolding and cuckolding fantasies that play into this financial domination arrangement, which I think… And you’re into forced bi! You’re the perfect package. And you’re a woman. Ideal.
X: Thank you so much.
Mistress Blunt: But I feel like I don’t see a lot of that in queer or gay discourse. Do you, when you’re looking for it?
X: No, but cuckolding is new for me. While I’m interested in it sexually, I’m into it in other ways, too. If someone is doing something that I want to be doing, it counts. Like cleaning your house, for example.
Mistress Blunt: What role does watching play in cuckolding for you?
X: I could take it or leave it. I just would like to know that it’s happening or has happened. I don’t really care if I actually see it happen or not. For me, it’s just the knowledge that it happened and that I was included. I think it’s hot to be inclusively excluded. You know what I mean? They’re acknowledging that they’re doing it and involving you by telling you that you aren’t involved. Does that make sense?
Mistress Blunt: Yeah. It’s hot to be locked up and left, but only if someone’s actually coming back for you.
X: Right, yeah, exactly.
Mistress Blunt: Cool. Well, let’s go ahead and wrap up this interview because I have another task for you.
Today I am sharing (with her permission) a deeply personal reflection from one of my online submissives who reflects on her gender identity in relationship to porn, erotic hypnosis and feminization role play. She talks about a 3-part series on “forced”-feminization and therapy roleplay that I created for her. I like to refer to my work with gender as “feminization induction” rather than sissification or crossdressing sessions. This was one of my favorite custom videos I have made to date. I loved reading her reflections on gender, porn, and the impact the custom videos she commissioned from me had on her. I hope you enjoy it too.
Gender Identity, BDSM, and Feminization and “Sissification” Hypnosis and Roleplay: reflections from a submissive.
“Growing up I often found myself wishing that I had been born a girl. I didn’t have a language of gender dysphoria, transgender, tens-femme, trans-woman, at the time. Nobody really ever talked about transness except as a joke or when it would pop up in some very degrading mainstream porn. I remember being in my early 20s, having started my own therapy with a gender specialist therapist, and being on a little day trip by myself when I suddenly felt my body vibrate energetically as there was an internal realization that “I am a woman”.
I then went to my local adult toy shop and bought a few DVDs and magazines featuring transgender performers. This was almost a decade ago now, and looking back on it, as I recall, that was a terrible way to start my own gender exploration. Very graphic and degrading imagery on those DVDs, very much made for the fetishization of the trans-body. I may occasionally identify as a “Chick with dick” but it is a very different thing to self-identify with that and to have it be thrust on you through marketing. I have been pleased to see the societal progress that has been made in the time sense. I have found my own community with my local Pride center, where I am simply allowed to be me in my own queerness. My Bookshelf contains volumes like “To My Trans Sisters”, “You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery”, “Trans Bodies, Trans Selves”, “The Mosaic of Gender”. Volumes that didn’t exist for me a decade ago.
This gets into a big part of what draws into the Dom/Sub dynamic. For me this is very much a form of play and it is a form of play where there is permission to really be with all aspects of yourself. It is a form of play where it doesn’t matter what my body actually looks like, or how that gets coded by a larger society. It is a space where I can be fully embodied in who I am. A space where erotic fantasies can be played out without a concern for societal censure.
I work in mental health and form my work I know how powerful it can be when we are given space to really be with the entirety of ourselves. We do not live in a society that has good structures to explore ourselves sexually, to be with our erotic nature or to explore our gender. This is part of why I work with Mistress Blunt.
A little while back I commissioned a three-part video series from Mistress Blunt, sold now under the title “Feminization Therapy”. Commissioning it really allowed me to explore one of my key erotic fantasies through the realm of play. There is the taboo element of a therapist/patient sexual relationship (sometimes this is also branched into a mother figure, both being caretaking figures). There is the acceptance of one’s own gender identity. There is the acceptance of one’s sexual desires and a need for service.
Essentially, I was allowed to go back and rewrite the porn that I encountered a decade ago. Commission it to be something more powerful and fulfilling to me. Make it personal, make it meaningful.
Mistress Blunt understood my intention perfectly in producing it, and made it into a piece that was both very deeply erotic and arousing for me, as well as deeply powerful in terms of my internal sense of self. In particular I strongly reacted to two moments.
One was Mistress Blunt’s direct line of “You are a woman”. No hesitation, no question. For me I know that is my internal experience of myself, but there is something so powerful to hear someone else simply name it.
The other part is one where she is speaking of wearing woman’s underwear. “The reason you like to wear woman’s underwear is because it makes you feel embodied, and what is sexier then that?” Over the years I have spent a few hundred dollars on various types of woman’s underwear, only to eventually throw them out in shame. That line helped to really contextualize it for me, to make me more fully feel what the experience is when I put on a nice pair of panties.”
Are you interested in learning more about my custom videos or having an exclusive look into my BDSM practice? You can learn more by subscribing to my exclusive content on AVNStars or Onlyfans, check out my clips on IWantClips, or text me your dirty secrets on Niteflirt and SextPanther. I am also accepting virtual and in-person sessions which you can book here!
If you are interested in finding a gender-affirming therapist Manhattan Alternative is a great resource. Many of the providers offer remote services, so even you aren’t local to NY it is a useful resource!
Danielle Blunt: My name is Danielle Blunt. I use she/her pronouns, and I’m a professional dominatrix from New York City.
Gaby Herstik: My name is Gabriela Herstik. I also use she/her pronouns. I am a writer and author and a witch, living in Los Angeles.
Danielle Blunt: Today we wanted to talk a little bit about glamour, magic and how it intersects with BDSM and kink. First of all, I love following you. It’s just like so much beauty and intention behind the images that you put out there. And that in itself feels like a form of magic, and there’s this beautiful honoring of the goddess and the feminine. And I would love it if you could talk a little bit about your relationship with glamour and maybe segueing into how it may or may not intersect with kink.
Gaby Herstik: Yeah. Well, thank you for those beautiful compliments. I love your photos and always makes me feel like a fabulous pervert, which I love. So for me, glamour is using acts of beauty and fashion as a way to transform from the outside in. Magic is really using energy and working with cycles to transform from the inside out. And I think that when we work with glamour, at least when I work with glamour, I’m using color and sense in clothing and intention behind how I present myself. To change my frequency and align myself with whatever my intention is, even if that’s just to cultivate a sense of beauty or confidence. A lot of my relationship with glamour is in honor of the goddess, which to me is the creative aspect of the divine that is not the logical part of our brain. It’s not the structure, but it’s really the fluid, intuitive sexual, and also creative energy of the universe, of that kind of divine energy.
I have been interested in fashion as long as I’ve been a witch, which is about 14 years now. And I went to school for fashion writing. I thought I was going to be a fashion editor, and I ended up writing books about witchcraft and kind of segued into that. But through that all, glam has still been a very important part of my path. It is a way that I reclaim the way that I’m seen, it’s the way that I choose to honor myself as a reflection of the divine.
So I think that a lot of people kind of think that beauty and fashion and makeup are frivolous, but to me, it is an act of yeah, casting myself in a specific light. So glamour in itself actually has its origins in folklore and magic. It is that which fails, what lies beneath it.
What is a glamour?
So a glamour would be like the idea of changelings of a fairy coming to a little newborn baby and switching out the human baby and stealing the human baby and replacing it with the fairy baby, and then casting a glamour on it. So the parents don’t realize that this isn’t their child, because it looks like them. That is a form of glamour.
My practice with magic in my life is really, my life in general is really rooted in self expression and beauty and sexual independence. And a lot of my work with glamour is a way to embody the goddess and to invite her into my being and to recognize myself as a reflection of her. And as I have been exploring submission the past three or so years, that’s kind of even intersected with glamour more. So this collar is a collar that I have, that I dedicated and ritualistically cleansed and consecrated and devoted to the goddess.
So every morning I put it on, and I look in the mirror and I say, “I am devoted to the dark goddess of love and myself.” And it really, for me, it really is like, because I think submission is such an embodied practice or at least hopefully it is. Because if you’re not in your body, what’s the point? It really is a way for me to honor that aspect of myself as divine and wearing things that make me feel like a sexy submissive, whether that’s a collar or lingerie. It helps me get into the mindset. And I have all of my toys hanging on my wall, and even that kind of reminding me of the beauty of submission helps me to appreciate and honor that aspect of myself even more.
It’s both this like very tactile sensory experience that can be incredibly overwhelming, especially from different height differentials, or if someone is on their knees, submitting. I think that the intimacy and the way that eyesight can hone in on one particular part of the outfit and create this obsession. And I think of obsession as an act of devotion, worship, and ritual in a way that brings you into an altered state.
I had this one session with a client who was really into some feminization, sissification and cuckolding. And he got me this really beautiful golden necklace. It was this huge, chunky, golden necklace. And I love gold. Adorning myself in gold is part of my magical practice. So this client was laying in my lap, gazing at me and the necklace and his mantra work over and over again was talking about how he got me that necklace and how he was going to think about me wearing it on a date with someone else. And that mantra recitation became the whole focus of the entire session. Focusing his attention on this talisman, the obsession and worship of this object and this way that totally transformed the entire space and scene, so that nothing really existed besides that necklace that served as the link between us in our D/s dynamic.
Gaby Herstik: I love that. And that actually is the original definition of fetish is a magical object or talisman, so that’s perfect.
Danielle Blunt: I think the more that I’ve been getting deeper into kink, the more I’ve been thinking of fetish in that way, because I never really considered myself a fetishist because a lot of the fetish porn that I was watching didn’t seem to have that magical energy imbued within the object. And it just felt like it was just worship of an object, that the object was never transformed through worship. There are a few fetishes that I’ve played with and watching their sexual energy begin to transform, a boot, or a body part, or anything into something beyond, which I think is both an act of fetish and an act of glamour to some extent. That energetic shift is what made me more interested in exploring fetishes of my own.
So when I put on a pair of boots, it changes how I feel about myself, how I carry myself, how I’m perceived by other people. And having people then worship that object that I put that care into and that I also ritualistically clean or have other people ritualistically boot black for me creates this connection, that without that object, it might not be there. In this D/s relationship we are both focusing and putting our energy into the same object for that goal of connection and transformation into altered states.
Gaby Herstik: I love that so much, and I feel like when I think of that, I think of it as like a feedback loop, like as a figure eight, and in the center, that connecting point is that object, that object as a point of connection. That’s so beautiful.
Glamour and Embodiment
Danielle Blunt: I feel it’s the same in any good sex. It’s a matter of taking that same energy, finding alignment and attunement and transforming space and time together or with yourself. So whether or not an object is involved in that encounter, I think it really is about having the same intention or an aligned intention and being able to do that work together if you’re with another person, or being able to feel embodied and do that work on your own.
You said something about scent being a part of your glamour work, which I found really interesting, because I think of my dominant persona as a form of playing with femininity and feminization in a way that I don’t necessarily in my personal life. So it’s not just my professional life, but just part of my kink is stepping into this hard femme persona. And I’m more casual hard femme in my personal life, but the ritual of getting dressed and wearing a different scent that I wear before I go into a professional BDSM session or a personal play. And creating a ritual of taking it off and caring for the leathers as I transition out of that head-space helps hold the space or the container for the play and gets me into that dominant mindset. It allows me to work with the energy that’s being offered.
Gaby Herstik: I love that, and I feel like that’s such a powerful form of glamour, and it’s like, even like glamour is like the aftercare/ it’s like, that’s like your way of taking care of yourself. And I love that. I love using glamour as an act of, or as a piece of like a liminal space in which you transform into something else. And I love that you have all these objects that help you find that power. And I really think that people shit on glamor are the people that have never experienced that. You know when you feel it. When you step into a good outfit, it is a different head-space, and it does transform the way that you are viewing the world, because you feel different through it.
Feminization in BDSM and Goddess Worship
Danielle Blunt: Yeah. And if you find what makes you feel embodied, and I think that’s originally where we started to have this conversation, because you were posting some things about glamour and goddess worship, and it reminded me a lot about my work within feminization sessions, feminine induction sessions and sissification sessions. And I think a lot of what I’ve found in my work with feminization, which I do with all different types of people across the gender spectrum.
Some people find feminization very humiliating and I don’t. I find it can be a form of humiliation play, which I don’t play up too much in my work, because I don’t find being feminine to be humiliating. But if someone is humiliated by it, I will call that out for them. Like, “What do you find about being feminine that’s humiliating?” Do you think I should be humiliated by what I’m wearing?”
So I’ll definitely play with humiliation. But one thing that’s really stood out to me, especially as I have more and more people who come to me for feminine induction sessions coming out as a trans woman, non binary femmes or genderqueer, is that the time that they spend with me is one of the only times that they feel embodied, because it’s that act of transformation and the act of putting on this feminine armor that allows them to relax into submission.
And I think those are always the sessions that I really enjoy. I think for some people it can be both humiliating to get to that point of submission as well as embracing their femininity that allows them to surrender. Like some people need the humiliation to get there. And then for other people, they just feel so comfortable and relaxed that they can finally let go and surrender.
Gaby Herstik: That’s so beautiful. And I remember when we were first talking about this, how you were mentioning you don’t really do feminization as an act of humiliation, like that’s not the purpose. And I love that. I think that’s so wise, and I just really appreciate that angle. And you have to be able to give space to people to be their true selves and really go deep in that. It feels like such an embodiment of the goddess to be able to give people that space and to allow them to experience these things and honor that shame that might come up, because they have been told their whole life that doing this thing is shameful even if it’s not necessarily innately shameful for them.
What role does shame play in BDSM and Magic?
Yeah. And that’s definitely something that I say is, “I’ll play with your shame.” And I don’t think there’s anything wrong about feminization and humiliation sessions. It’s just not something I’m particularly interested in. And I think people can have incredibly cathartic experiences through that. And while I might not be actively humiliating someone, I think shame is a very potent tool to play within BDSM scenes and I think in magic.
Gaby Herstik: Absolutely.
And figuring out and … Shame to me, makes me ask the questions about what led me to feel that way or what led me to have this certain relationship with this object or my body?
Gaby Herstik: Yeah. I totally feel that. And that’s something that even over the last week, I’ve been really diving more deeply into, like offering shame as … or working with shame as an offering to the goddess, especially to the the dark goddesses. I feel like it’s a really powerful offering, and it’s still something I don’t quite understand about myself yet, but it’s one of those things I feel like is an ongoing process. Yeah, I don’t know, working with it is such a potent tool of transformation and also just release and catharsis, like you said.
Danielle Blunt: Yeah. That makes me think of … Have you read The Radiance Sutras?
Gaby Herstik: I haven’t. They’ve been on my list.
Danielle Blunt: I highly recommend it. And that was into some of my studies of tantra, and what I loved about this translation that I had of The Radiance Sutras. It was that each act, whether it’s “good” or “bad” is a way to meet the divine. Honoring darkness, honoring shame, and all of those are equally as important as honoring and meditating on joy and happiness
Danielle Blunt: and embodiment. And that it’s through intense focus, or devotion, or fetish, or glamour that you’re able to reach that altered state which is the divine.
Gaby Herstik: I love that. I’ll have to look that up, because that’s definitely up my alley. I definitely feel like even tantra, obviously, it’s different than BDSM, but that kind of awareness of the way energy flows. And the power of the subversive and the power of the things that you’re not supposed to do as like a sacrament to the divine is something that, I think, for me, really draws me to BDSM, like the space that I have to do the things that I’m not supposed to do and turn those into an offering to goddess is something that really inspires me and draws me to this path.
Danielle Blunt: I love that. And I think that comes back to feminization or sissification sessions as well, especially for men, that femininity is something that you’re told that is shameful. And we said this in the beginning of the conversation, was that so many people don’t respect or understand glamour or fashion or makeup, and see it as something that’s frivolous. So I think the act of reframing it and having these incredibly ritualistic feminization sessions, which I very much think of it as like feminization induction, like I like to think of the energy as similar to the little boy at a sleepover and his older sister and her friends come in and induct you into feminization rituals. And you’re just sitting there and just like, “Ooh, I feel like so special and honored to be able to be a part of this thing that I’m told that I’m not supposed to enjoy. To be let into this sacred space.” And like you’re being taken over by this thing that you were told that you’re not supposed to explore, and I think that’s a really beautiful thing.
Gaby Herstik: I love that, and I feel like there’s also a level of empathy, because once you’re in that space then you’re able to understand it and kind of extend that to the men in your life So I love that interplay between that. And I love that you’re able to offer people the space to explore that without judgment. I think that’s really important too.
Danielle Blunt: Yeah. And I think there are. There are so few spaces for people to feel that. I feel like there’s more now than there were a few years ago, which is really amazing. And I think social media plays a really interesting role in people’s ability to express themselves and try on different parts of their persona or their gender and transform themselves. And just like a continual act of transformation.
Gaby Herstik: I feel like that’s what BDSM is. It’s just constantly unfolding different aspects of yourself and ritualizing it and honoring whatever feelings come up, even if they’re something we’re told we’re not supposed to have. I think that’s so powerful.
Danielle Blunt: Definitely. And I think that’s sort of where this conversation stemmed from was one of your posts about glamour just like really stood out to me. And I was like, “Oh, I would be really interested in creating a feminization ritual with you.” So I hope that, that’s something that we can do.
Gaby Herstik: I would love that. I would love that.
Danielle Blunt: … another time.
Gaby Herstik: Yeah, that sounds great, and it’s just an honor. I admire you so much, and I love … Remember when you made a post that said, “Femdom is your religion.” And I’m like, That is just so beautiful and so powerful. And I feel like it’s same, same, but different to my own relationship with the divine. So it feels very special to be able to talk about that.
Danielle Blunt: Yeah, I definitely felt that similarities and differences and the relationship to glamour and feminization in witchcraft, in both of our practices.
Gaby Herstik: Yes, I love it.
Danielle Blunt: Wonderful. Well, I’m excited to create that ritual with you.
Gaby Herstik: Me too. I feel like Libra season and Scorpio season will be the perfect time to kind of dive into that that glamourous ordinance.