In part one of this interview, Charlotte and I talked about 24/7 D/s relationships and religion in kink. In part two, we talk about ageplay and ABDL, D/s relationships with mommy dommes, daddy dom little girl (DDLG) and its many permutations, and more.
Daddy Dom Little Girl (DDLG), Daddy Dom Little Boy, Mommy Domme Little Girl?
Charlotte Cross: I wanted to also talk about the DDLG and M…MDLG? Ha! Yeah, it never rolled off for me…
Mistress Blunt: Mommy, daddy…
Charlotte Cross: I definitely jerk off to way more mommy daddy little stuff. I had one Mommy Mistress, but in the end I wasn’t getting back what I was giving so I was feeling that I couldn’t trust women. I was terrified and that experience was sooo scary! But also, I always call mistresses mommy daddy. Daddy is gender neutral.
Mistress Blunt: Daddy is totally gender neutral. Recently, I’ve been embodying more mommy space, but also… I also go through phases. (evil grin)
Charlotte Cross: I’m the same way. For the MDLG stuff, one thing I realized is that when I first got into the lifestyle, it was NOT cool to do DDLG! It was frowned upon and littles were not allowed in a lot of spaces. There would be this tone and look pair with Oh, you’re a little?
That got me saying, “I’m not a little! I’m big first of all, and I like to get waterboarded for fun. Do you think you waterboard littles? No, you waterboard bad ass slave girls OK?” I had this diversion to being called a little and kind of still do. I saw that you tweeted something about a submissive little that you have that…
Mistress Blunt: Haha aw, what was it… she was like, “I’m not a little, I’m an Aries.” and then later said, “I’m not a little, I’m just immature!”
Charlotte Cross: That is me to the T! I love that. I say that all the time, “I’m not a little,” but simultaneously also saying Can I have the sippy cup before we go play? Will you put champagne in my sippy cup?
Mistress Blunt: I feel like people exclaim they’re not a little while also having kind of a tantrum. (lovingly chuckles)
Charlotte Cross: Yeah FOR sure.
“It paints its own picture.” (fancy wrist wave)
– Mistress Blunt
Charlotte Cross: Sooo I really wasn’t comfortable ever using the term daddy. I was 17 and on FetLife and thinking, “Guys calling themselves daddy? You don’t even have kids!” I was so offended by it that I posted on my personal Facebook page how awful it was and how, “I could never… don’t call yourself daddy! That is d i s g u s t i n g !”
Now, I built a whole brand around the word daddy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It took me becoming really comfortable with myself and comfortable with another person to reduce myself to this child like person. I feel very safe as a child as one would feel with a caregiver. It took a huge level of security before I could ever say… uhhhHhh Daddy?? I’m still weirded at first.
Mistress Blunt: Daddy? I’m imagining you writing like children-esque book called Are You My Daddy?
Charlotte Cross: It’s funny that you say that because I own this book in Afrikaans. A male dom I played with is South African so it’s in Afrikaans with an English translation. It’s called Is ek Klein? (Am I small?) It’s such a good book he would read it to me. In the end I’d feel, “Okay, maybe I am a little small?” Like alright alright.
Mistress Blunt: Aw, have you heard of The Good Girls Handbook?
Charlotte Cross: I haven’t.
Mistress Blunt: Oh my God, I’m going to see if I can go… oh my God it’s right here. This is not planned but it’s the Young Girls Handbook of Good Manners. It’s so funny, I’ll read you one.
Good manners in class: “Do not draw the teacher’s private parts on the blackboard, especially if he showed them to you in confidence.”
Charlotte Cross: That’s so great, I love that.
Mistress Blunt: It’s so funny it was right here, I summoned it (summoning hand motions)!
I love how you talk about that type of play of tapping into caregiver and little archetypes because that’s what most of it is about for me. I do think there are some age play dynamics that have more incest role play taboo elements. I also think there are ways to play with daddy mommy little dynamics that have nothing to do with that taboo but serve to tap into this nurturing re-patterning attunement. Allowing the submissive to go into flow like head space where they don’t have to think about adult things.
Additionally, I do work as a doula so I have experience and study psychologists who are working with actual children and actual mothers. There’s something really beautiful about watching a parent attune with a child. There is a psychologist named Beatrice Beebe who studies infant attachment to mothers. They showed videos of a baby’s eyes and slowed down mother baby eye connections down to a micro scale amount. You could see the baby and mother’s facial expressions attuning to each other in slow motion. I thought, “That’s what I do in play when it goes well.” It really clicked for me when I started to embrace the mommy archetype more.
Charlotte Cross: Once I finally had a good DDLG relationship, I reserved the word daddy for that person. We did so much of tapping into feeling and expressing emotions and… I could be vulnerable. I was allowed to be vulnerable.
That’s where a lot of my healing from my childhood around attachment injuries, I think a lot of my healing beat started with that. It’s also a big reason why I don’t engage in a lot of sexual stuff in that space. I was always seeking a way to heal and be able to connect with authority figures, and not be used like that. Allowing yourself to be taken care of after that is hard and a lot of people don’t have the ability to do that. I certainly didn’t until I started to tap into DDLG but that took me a long time to understand how I could use that to heal in junction with therapy
Mistress Blunt: It’s interesting, too, especially from the conversation we’re having previously of losing yourself in another person, especially for people who are adultified. For an actual child and who took on the caregiver role very young, it can be very healing to allow yourself space to explore what not having responsibility is like.
**Adultified: To treat a non-adult like an adult.
It’s important and can be really healing. It can also be super triggering for people. Most especially with people who really regress within a scene. I encourage people to find a kink supportive or affirming therapist.
24/7 D/s Relationships & Religion
Charlotte Cross: My therapist is a kink positive therapist and she’s amazing. I’ve been with her going on six years so she’s seen all my ups and downs of play. One day she told me, “You know, you seem so much more dominant now than you were like, a while ago.” Then it hit me that I just wanted to be vanilla and just be strong. I didn’t want to be defined in kink terms right then.
Mistress Blunt: That’s a good boundary.
Charlotte Cross: I never thought I would get to that point. I described it as waking up in the morning, and doing my slave positions was as if I was slamming the last little bit of heroin that I had. It felt like a drug and it felt like an addiction. I didn’t know how I was ever going to feel that high high that I got from serving someone.
I had to detox. I want to be able to still have fun during play, because eventually it got to the point where it was not fun. It wasn’t healthy to feel always on the edge of needing to be correct for something. I wasn’t getting what I needed.
Mistress Blunt: It’s an altered state, especially if you’re someone who falls deeply into that. For one of these interview series, I got to interview my former submissive. She would refer to doing service for me as church and she would express –
“A lot of my time was devoted to like being at church and that was my self care.”
It was interesting to be able to have that conversation with her after our relationship. It wasn’t cold cut so we were able to be in touch slowly throughout it, which was very helpful. She describes it as something very similar as to like, “The thing that I was doing to care for myself is no longer an option. What do I do???”
Then there was also me, “Cooooool, I got to clean my house now.” I had much more things to do then.
Charlotte Cross: That’s so crazy that she says that because that’s what I call play.
Mistress Blunt: Really?
Charlotte Cross: Yes. I used to worship my dominant as though he was God to me. I have the whole playlist of Christian music that I would listen to before I would get into a head space and play it all day long. I’d sit in the corner with my gas mask listening to this! If you take a lot of Christian music and you apply it to D/s… you can easily pretend the dominant is God. It’s tribute.
Mistress Blunt: I actually have a lot of Hasidic** clients because they like that I look very Jewish. It’s very similar. I have a client who prays to me. I’m culturally Jewish, not particularly religious, but I do know a fair amount of the prayers. He will change them slightly to be in worship to me and you can watch him going into this divine trance like you might see someone doing in intense prayer.
**Hasidic: Jewish religious group.
Charlotte Cross: My mom is Jewish so technically I am biologically Jewish, but I was adopted by a preacher. So I got the best of maybe both worlds.
Mistress Blunt: In my experience, I think there’s something about a religious upbringing that makes people very interested in service.
Charlotte Cross: My mom is very Christian religious now. Much of what she says makes me want to say, “I think you just want to be in a kink relationship.” The last time I spoke to her she told me her therapist said she needs to nurture her inner child and I’m here thinking that could easily be a fit!
Mistress Blunt: I feel like it’s like tapping into the same universal desire for connection. Almost altruism to some extent, and nurturing for each other in community.
Charlotte Cross: Haha, yeah but with kink you don’t have to give a tithe!
Mistress Blunt: You can tithe your dom! I actually have people who tithe me.
Charlotte Cross: I love that. I just think this way you don’t have to give all these televangelists anything, you don’t have to shame anybody for being gay… we could have so much more FUN if everybody just got kinky! The world would be a much better place.
Mistress Blunt: There’s something about it, too. Kink is more negotiated and talked about rather than a given. In its healthiest permutation, a D/s relationship is well negotiated and boundaried and consensual. In my opinion, religion, especially if you’re like indoctrinated as a child to a very religious space is virtually none of those things.
Charlotte Cross: I used to say all the time that my dad’s a preacher, but my daddy is an atheist. I was playing with somebody who’s a hardcore atheist and the first task he ever gave me was to read one atheist book a week. He told me, “I’m going to save you by unsaving you.” and thus I’ve read all these Christopher Hitchens books and it really fucked with me. Suddenly, I was feeling –
Whoa, I have no religion now? Oh my God, God’s not real???
Mistress Blunt: Let’s just find something else to worship.
Charlotte Cross: I got so heavy into my devotion to my dominant after that because I needed a God, they were my God now.
Mistress Blunt: I think religions often also have a masochistic element. I do think it is meeting a universal need. There’s a reason why there are so many similarities between different religions. D/s is just like another way of negotiating those needs being met. Any time I can find attunement with somebody, that creates an altered state for me and that feels like godlike.
Charlotte Cross: I just recently started to understand and enjoy what top space feels like. For a while it felt like I took too much Adderall and I’d think, “I hate it here! This horrible, how do people like this???” It’s very hyper focused and paying attention to everything. I finally am now able to enjoy it. I didn’t used to like topping men, I really hated it. I’d get frustrated and wonder, “Why are you so whiny? I don’t even whine this much, okay?”
Mistress Blunt: Honestly that sounds like a hot thing to say to someone.
Charlotte Cross: Hahaha, listen, I don’t know why male subs that I played with have been extra whiny but if I can get waterboarded every Tuesday and take it and THEN get whipped 100 times without sobbing then you are fine. Okay? Suck it up.
Mistress Blunt: There’s a scene that really sticks out to me in porn. I can’t remember who it was, but the bottom was afraid of a cattle prod and she just cattle prodded her tongue. Hot.
I also like trained from the bottom up so I know what this feels like and I can do that better than you.
Charlotte Cross: I was classically trained as well, so I know what you mean by going through it. Despite topping well, I don’t enjoy doing it much. I’m starting to come into it. My first dominant taught me how to do sutures and I know what it’s like to have your lips sewn shut, your eyelids sewn shut, etc.. I know what that person is going through. I hate this movie, but I think it’s the only thing that 50 Shades of Grey hits on that’s somewhat legitimate – how he was a submissive first.
Mistress Blunt: I think that movie is an abusive relationship where they do some kink stuff.
Charlotte Cross: Oh, yeah, it really is. I’m really pro classical training meaning that you should learn from the bottom up.
Mistress Blunt: At the very least, try out what something feels like on your body. I like breaking in toys on my own body.
Charlotte Cross: Caning yourself.
Mistress Blunt: Yes like a self-flagellation. “Oh a new toy???” (mimics flagellating self)
Mistress Blunt & Charlotte Cross: (both laugh adorably)
Mistress Blunt: What you’re said about top space being hyper aware is really interesting. For me, it’s really fun because I’m very anxious and hyper vigilant person in general. Top space in its best permutation for me is hyper vigilance, but for good. The hyper vigilance of attunement where there’s some feedback and it’s not just my anxiety spiraling. I am able to tunnel that hyper vigilance and craft something with it. It flows.
Charlotte Cross: That’s how I feel about high protocol, because I’m very anxious. I have OCD so I’m very medicated for it. I still crave structure. Prior to this interview you asked what I get out of 24/7 dynamics and it’s a place to really throw all of my anxiety and my need for everything to be like cookie cutter. With 24/7 I know what I’m supposed to be doing at any given time. It alleviates a lot of the anxiety that I sometimes get playing with new people where there aren’t as many boundaries. You can’t just go 24/7 with a light start.
Mistress Blunt: Something that D/s dynamics and D/s relationships offer is structure and people like it a lot. Clearly, many people are into it.
Charlotte Cross: Have you read the book The New Bottoming or The New Topping?
Mistress Blunt: I’ve read the originals.
Charlotte Cross: Did you like them or…?
Mistress Blunt: I think they’re a decent beginning resource.
Charlotte Cross: I had mentioned earlier kink wasn’t fun anymore because I was needing everything to be perfect. I sometimes get into this place where I’m really driven to have things in a leather standpoint and done a certain way.
Mistress Blunt: Very tightly leather.
Charlotte Cross: Yes, exactly. I’d feel, “This is wrong, you did this incorrectly and now I’m not having fun.” I got into this place where I’m I need to be reconditioned or reset. When I read that book and it was so simple and made me feel less leather anxious.
Mistress Blunt: I love that. I feel like going back to beginner text is always a good idea. I remember I gave an interview like three months ago, and they asked –
Tell us what BDSM stands for.
And I’m like, “The B…uhh…the D and the S stand for TWO things.” It reminded me that wow, sometimes going back to the basics is super helpful.
Charlotte Cross: It felt so simple. The original versions of the book were much more San Francisco, strict leather. The new book was not and explain the why to instead of the how to. I feel like BDSM has evolved to be better and healthier.
Mistress Blunt: I totally agree. I’ll go check out the newer versions. Maybe this is a good spot to end this conversation – the evolution of old guard into new guard. I learned a lot but also I think you can take what serves you and leave the rest because there’s some really problematic shit that I don’t want to replicate in any of my relationships.
Charlotte Cross: That’s a really good way of looking at it. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Mistress Blunt: Perfect.
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